Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Six month break

Today was a very rough day emotionally. I felt raw, like I haven't healed at all. How can it be over a month and I still hurt this much?
My boss suggested that I take a year off of men & looking for love. She said I need to get to know myself. I told her I can't stand myself. "Well, no one can love you until you love yourself." I know this all too well. She's right. I know she's right because I tell myself this stuff everyday. Hearing someone else say it resonated within me.
I don't like being alone. I've always had a man in my life. The longest I've been alone has been six months. So, I don't really know myself in the context of being alone. I've decided to take at least six months to be alone & get to know myself. Try to like myself. Ugh. I don't like me. That's a huge problem. Every relationship will slowly degrade until I can love who I am. In a weird way, it's a freeing feeling to give up for awhile & it be my choice. Can I do this? Can I accept this goofy girl who loves too much & laughs too loud? She holds a grudge & sometimes can't look in the mirror. She feels so alone. I have to do it. For myself. The girl I don't like.