Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The online dating update

What exciting things has the dating website brought into my lonely life? Let's see-
1. One date which went very well & I never heard from him again.
2. A day of views & messages from a transexual (or transvestite, I'm not sure).
3. An offer for a threesome from a weird couple in Ohio.
4. An actual decent penis photo.
5. Daily messages from a man who could be my soul mate. Yeah, he lives in North Carolina, so I'll never meet him.
Oh, this is depressing me.

Waiting for my Joe Rogan

After an absolute hilarious Facebook chat with my cousin, I started thinking about what kind of man I deserve. She declared it should be Joe Rogan. If you're not familiar, Google him. Comedian, podcast host, Fear Factor host & pure muscled man. Damn, I do deserve a man like that. I declared, lucky is the lady who goes home to Joe Rogan. God bless, Mrs. Rogan. It's all good. Why can't I have a good-looking, all muscled, funny, intelligent man? Somehow, I can usually snag a good-looking man. And, I've had a few no fat, trim guys. Don't ask how I manage this. One of the great mysteries of life. The last one was good-looking, smart and funny. He just couldn't keep it in his pants. So, there's the rub, right? Not literally, ew. How do you find a man with all these qualities who is not a complete asshole? I might as well search for a unicorn. Oh, and I know you're thinking you know a guy for me. Really? No. A good friend was recently trying to set me up with her husband's friend. She showed me his picture. Asshole that I am, I sucked in my breath & vigorously shook my head. Then, I felt bad & apologized for being superficial. I'm sure he's a nice guy. Just not what this jerk is looking for in a man. If you think you know a man, then, by all means, set me up. Right now, I'm holding out for my Joe Rogan. We'll see. You can visit me in a few years with my 500 cats. Bring a lint brush!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The power of suggestion

Why have I become so susceptible to infomercials in the past month? I'm linking it to my current state- whatever the shit I'm calling it this hour. Loneliness, boredom, heartache? Right now, I'm on the verge of buying Singers & Songwriters cd collection. Damn it, Jim Croce. I've already purchased Brazil Butt Lift. So, why? Is is the lack of sleep? I'm barely sleeping, up at bizarre-ass hours. It all just seems like a good idea. Yeah, I need that knife that can cut through a can! What?! No. What is wrong with me? Am I trying to fill a void? Do I really just love these things that much? It's just like Fight Club. Oh, no, am I going to have my own Tyler Durden? Wait, that would be cool. Goddamn, John Denver! Ew, Bread, nevermind. I have to stop watching this. I get so drawn in, watch the whole thing anticipating whether it's going to be reasonably priced. Then, I decide, oh, that's not bad. Dan Fogleberg comes on & brings me to my senses. I don't need this. Oh, shit, America! I like them. Tyler Durden wouldn't buy it. He'd go make some soap. I'm going back to sleep. Oh, and I blame Bob Dylan. He's the one who woke me up. Asshole, troubadour, good songwriter.

Friday, January 27, 2012

One night of fun

So, I kind of let loose the other night. I've had a mutual flirtation with a guy for awhile who I met through his job. He shall remain nameless. Very handsome & kind. We've texted back & forth & talked about hanging out for some drinks & a movie. And, finally it happened. I realized how much I missed just talking to a man. I like manly things-action movies, Hemingway books, MMA fighting. Chicks generally don't discuss that shit. So, I love talking to men. I love drinking & flirting with men. You can playfully lean on them. Of course, anyone who has had drinks with me knows where this leads. Very frisky face feeling & more. It was nice to kiss & feel a man's touch. I miss snuggling & laughing. I miss being a total goof with someone. And, I knew exactly what it was- no expectations. That was nice for a change. Plus, he left lots of alcohol at my apartment. Maybe that's all I need right now. No commitments or expectations. Just a good night of relaxing. If I want to feel love, I have my friends & Viggo. The ones who'll always support me & never hurt me.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Biopsy bruise/healing heart

As I was taking my bath today, bathroom barger, a.k.a. Viggo made an interesting observation. He likes to walk in the bathroom regardless of whether I want him there & make some loud observation. If I'm going to the bathroom it's "It stinks in here!" or if it's that time of the month, "Mom, you need to change your period!" (pad in Viggo language). Today, I'm bathing & he says, "Mom, that gross thing on your boob is gone".
Today is also the first day I felt good. Actually had a smile cross my face a few times. It made me realize that I'm healing inside & out. When I had my biopsy, I was in a really bad place. I'd just found out the man I loved had cheated on me. Not good timing. Maybe it was all a physical manifestation for everything that I psychologically knew was wrong. Just odd that I feel good and that awful bruise is gone. My boob still feels weird-I swear I can feel the metal markers they put in & I have a weird, nubby scar. But, that sad bruise is going away & so is this heartache. Thank you, bathroom barger, for pointing it out. However, keep your thoughts about my poop to yourself & shut the bathroom door.

Friday, January 20, 2012

We can build a better Erin

Post breakup, you always analyze yourself and come up with a list of things to change about yourself. Top that with it being the beginning of a new year & successfully avoiding a cancer scare- there are some changes due to be happening. Getting cheated on & dumped is just the cherry on top.
First, it's been a mental/emotional examination. In the past few weeks, I've read five billion self help and positive thinking books. It's not working. Ask my co-workers. I think I've growled at some of them lately. I've been a total dick.
My Brazil Butt Lift DVD system came in the mail today. I think I'm going to have some body revolution. This is the same girl who routinely loses the remote control & rather than look for it, just watches a shitty show. Yeah, I'm going to exercise everyday.
Half the time, I just want to wake up like Leonard in Memento & not know what the hell is going on. My important tattoos would say "Viggo-son" & "you work at a bookstore". That's all I need. I'd be happy not remembering why I hurt or who hurt me. I'm cursed with remembering.
But, it takes time to heal. Maybe in a month, I won't be growling & i'll have a banging, tinier ass. I'll be glowing with positive energy. I'll greet everyone with a smile. This is my hope. To mentally rebuild myself like the Bionic Man was rebuilt with parts. I'm trying & that matters most. I'll find love & happiness again. Just have to find it with myself first. In the meantime I'll just growl & do ridiculous exercise DVDs with my blinds closed.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Mental vacation

I've decided to take some time off from thinking about men. Seriously. It's driving me insane. Worrying & wondering & it's not doing me a damn bit of good. I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to occupy my time. Started a painting which I have convinced myself sucks. Watched a couple of movies from Netflix which did actually suck. I'm talking to you, new Conan The Barbarian. Music makes me cry & podcasts remind me of my ex. The only things bringing me joy are work (?), watching stand-up comedy & my boy. Maybe I should take up a hobby like rug hooking or whittling wood? Whatever, I'm not thinking about men for a while. Yeah, right. I'm thinking about them right now. Shit. No damn men thinking about me, why should I think about them? Sweet Pete, still thinking about them. Clear the mind. Think of baseball. No, that's for sex. I give up. Charlie Brown groan.

What are men good for?

I started really wondering what men are good for & why do I want one around? Let's really break it down.
1. To take out the garbage
2. Sex
3. To kill bugs
4. To fix things
5. Sex
Ok, so maybe they are important. Or maybe I've gone too long without some lovin'. I'm sick of killing bugs & this garbage isn't going anywhere on it's own. Men are also fun to drink with & watch manly movies. Can't rely on my girlfriends for that. Pussies. Who's going to knock a cold one back & watch Bronson with me? Exactly. Dammit.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Bad days

There are good days post breakup and then there are bad days. Today's bad. I've listened to St. Vincent's "Cheerleader" repeatedly and sobbed uncontrollably. I'll probably follow it up with some Elliot Smith "Everything Reminds Me Of Her". Most days I'm fine due to my anger. And some days I just fucking miss him. I was so in love. Then, I give myself a mental slap in the face & pull my shit together. Today the slap just makes me cry harder. That & Lana Del Ray's songs.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Hot bod/man denial

I have this plan to get a super hot bod and let no man have it. Sure, there's some holes in this plan. First off, I'm very lazy. I recently lost ten pounds. Nor due to diet & hard work. Simply stress & heartbreak. Do I see myself exercising? I ordered Brazil Butt Lift DVDs. We'll see. Maybe my man hate ( well, it's just one man I hate) will empower me.
The other problem is the whole denying men part. I like male attention. I don't see myself turning that shit down. God, I think I'm turning into my mother. She lives alone, hates men & drinks a lot. Kill me now.

Sugar Daddies

A recent, odd part of dating is people offering money for sex or companionship. While I was actually in my last relationship, I had a man offer me $9000 for sex. He friend requested me on FB. I think we had 8 mutual friends, so I accepted. A few minutes later I'm getting messages asking if I'd like to make an easy $9000. After some hilarious and vague messages, the offer was raised to $14000. He claimed it was inheritance money & he wanted a blowjob. Nice, huh? And, sweet Jesus, I considered it for half a second. I'm a poor lady. But, I couldn't. I often compare myself to the character of Ned Stark from Game Of Thrones. I have strong morals. Ned may lose his head but he has his dignity.
Another man on OKCupid messaged me & asked if I like to be pampered. Then, sent me his phone number with LET ME PAMPER YOU written in all caps. Am I a fool for not accepting these offers? Should I be Littlefinger from Game Of Thrones? I think I'll be Ned & sit here alone with my decapitated head.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The road not taken-lesbianism

An interesting new twist to my online dating has been hot women checking me out. I've had two, drop dead gorgeous bisexual girls check me out. So, I started to wonder if I should jump the straight ship. I could exchange clothes & makeup. I'd have less bathroom time, though. Girls are soft & snuggly. But, I would miss a man. I'd miss man hands & man smell. I'd sadly miss man junk. Not seeing it, but feeling it. Agh! I miss sex already. Men suck. This subject is still up for debate.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Dating website

I decided to go back to OKCupid. I used it a year ago & met the love of my...I mean, HeWhoShallNotBeNamed. I've met some great guys on there (hi, Chris!). It is, however, quite an adventure for a lady. You can see pictures of who looks at your profile. My average viewer is overweight, bald & has a goatee. That makes me want to give up. There are some really attractive men who check me out. You can find someone you feel you have a connection with. You might start texting back & forth. Next thing you know, boom, penis picture gets sent. Don't know why guys think that's a good thing. Ladies do not want to see junk. Yes, please send me a picture of a fleshy tube accompanied by what looks like deflated oranges with goosebumps. No, thank you. Women like the penis, we just don't want to see it. That's usually how I can tell a good guy from a douche- if he's sent a dick pic or not. Sad but true.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Dating again

After what was almost a year of blissful love, I am dating again. Long story short, he cheated on me and destroyed my soul. I vowed never to let it happen again & took to drinking alone every night. Realizing that I didn't want to become my mother, I decided to "buck up and be a rabbit" like my best friend's mom always says. I'm back to dating (something I was never good at to start). Why not write about my mishaps and misadventures?