Wednesday, March 30, 2016

My Last 10 Internet Searches

  Some people fear what's in their internet browsing history for fear it will be discovered. Porn is the most likely cause. My searches aren't salacious, just weird and time-wasting. Out of curiosity, I decided to see what my last searches were. Here they are with any explanation I may have.
  1. The Black Dahlia crime scene photos- I was watching Unsolved Mysteries (Dennis Farina edition) when they discussed the Black Dahlia case. It's a fascinating, unsolved murder involving dissection and blood draining. Being my morbid self, I decided I wanted to see the real crime scene photos. Supposedly, she was cut from ear to ear and her torso was cut in half. Unfortunately, the first site I went to had a pop up photo of someone's butthole. What a non sequitur, I thought. I think I shrieked and instantly left the site. So, that's on my browser. In the end, I did find some gruesome photos sans butthole. 
  2. David Krumholtz weight gain- You know this guy. He's in a ton of things, most notably the hit TV series Numbers. I love this guy. He's a great actor. I saw him in something recently and he had a noticeable weight gain. Concerned for him, I googled this issue. I guess he had thyroid cancer, seems to have beaten it, is married and has a baby. But, this is what I do with my time. 
  3. Symptoms of love addiction- I watch the Netlix series Love entirely in one day. Loved it. Written by Judd Apatow and starring Gillian Jacobs. Great show, watch it. Gillian's character, Mickey goes to love addiction rehab, and, to be honest, that group talk made me wonder if I'm a love addict. So, I googled it. Turns out, love addicts may have been abandoned early in life and try to find a knight in shining armor in their adult life. Ok, guess that fits. But, I think only years of therapy will cure that. 
  3. Jim Florentine images- I was watching Louie, when I heard a very familiar voice. I used to listen to a lot of Opie & Anthony in the morning during an hour long drive I used to make everyday. Comedian Jim Florentine was a regular guest. But, I wasn't familiar with what he looked like. I wondered if this man on Louie was him. Indeed it was. His character ended up trying to shit in the top of a toilet tank as Louie was puking, slipped, hit his head and died. Good episode. Now, I'm familiar with what he looks like. 
  5. Apple Watch- I got my tax return, so I dream of getting an Apple Watch. Prices have dropped, but I can't justify spending that much money on myself. 
  6. Nick Groff Ghost adventures departure- A member of the Ghost Adventures team, he now has his own show. This lead me to question why he left. Kind of vague. Maybe a falling out with Zac Bagins. Maybe the most pathetic of my searches. 
7. Head lice- My kid somehow contracted lice at school. I found out when he was staying with relatives. I never had it as a child, so I had no idea what to look for. There's also some kind of "super lice" going around. Not sure if he had that or not. All I know is that it took three treatments and lots of combing with the nit comb. It felt very primal, except I didn't eat the nits. It was a rough week. I slept in a shower cap the first night. He was offended, but I wasn't getting it. His cousin also got it. You know, like the flu, only itchier and much creepier. 
8. X-Men Apocalypse- I don't even remember why exactly. I think it was settling an argument with V. He didn't believe that Oscar Isaac, or Poe Dameron, was playing the villain. I know my actors, man. Especially the good ones. 
9. Scabies- After head lice, anything can happen. When my left arm started itching incessantly, I immediately thought I had scabies. Turns out from the pictures that I don't. 
10. Can a mother transmit syphillis through breastfeeding- I read a totally demented book called The Kingdom of Little Wounds. It's basically a fairy tale with syphillis. I was wondering if a character that's breastfeeding to transmit her disease to a baby. Turns out you are safe as long as you don't have oozing sores on your breasts. Good to know. 
  I'd love to say I do productive things with my time, but that would be a complete lie.  

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Ghost Adventures

  "Ghosting" can happen to anyone, but it's especially prevalent in the dating world. It's when someone you're communicating with, all of a sudden, stops communicating back. I've experienced a couple of cases of it very recently. 
  First, and the most perplexing, happened a couple of weeks ago. I was at work and noticed an attractive, dark haired guy in the store. He wasn't looking at anything in particular and always seemed to appear wherever I was. After work, I went to a going away get together for a friend from work. While there, I get a message on a dating site from the guy at the store. We strike up a good conversation and exchange phone numbers. We text the next day and he proceeded to ask me out for a drink that coming Monday. Normally, I wouldn't due to having my boy, but I worked early and figured I could fit in an hour to meet after work. Monday comes and suddenly he texts, cancelling, saying he's "coming down with an illness". Yeah, right. Whatever. I texted the next day, asking how his "illness" was. Nothing. I waited another day, then texted-"Must've been a fatal illness." Totally ghosted. Infuriating because he pursued me. In the end, I think he has a girlfriend. When you exchange phone numbers and you're phone is linked to Facebook, they show up in your suggested friends list. Naturally, I creeped on him. I happened to click on one of his female friends. Her profile declared she was in a relationship with him. Regardless of the true state of this relationship, I guess it's good I got ghosted. 
  I've had another ghosting which was more disappointing. I've been on quite a few dates with one guy over the past year. We get along really well. However, we only communicate via email due supposedly to his sleep habits. He works overnight. I'm skeptical, but not serious about the whole situation. We've kept up communication until recently. My emails have gone unanswered. Bummer because I lent him a book. 
  Guys seem so flaky. Is it so hard to be honest? Throw caution to the wind and send out a text saying you started seeing someone else. Or, hey, I'm not into this anymore. This is why, I think it would be great to start my own ghost hunting team. Just like the paranormal shows like Ghost Adventures, Ghost Hunters, and Paranormal State. But, I investigate ghosting phenomena of the dating world. I'm going to get a gelled up, muscular Axe body using guy to accompany me. We'll hunt down "ghosts", he'll get in their face and yell things like "Is there someone here?! Would you like to communicate with us?!" 
  We'll have all the special equipment like E.V.P. machines and Ouija boards. Maybe a couple of lockdown episodes. I want answers and my partner and I will get them. Wait until we bring in our medium. She'll have some insight. Her insight may be that I should devote my time to something more worthy like knitting or picking up garbage by the side of the road. The exorcism will surely work wonders. It involves a smudge stick, holy water, and the smashing of the ghost's cell phone. I'd watch the shit out of this show if I weren't the one coming up with it. 

Sunday, March 6, 2016


  I'm horrible at accepting compliments, but I love the shit out of them. My self-esteem is usually at the bottom of the river beside some mafia hits wearing cement shoes. Last night, I had a former co-worker ask if I was still blogging and then she said I was a good writer. My heart swelled. Of course, I doubt my writing and intelligence. I went on a strange day drinking date earlier in the week. My date told me I was adorable and intelligent. What??!!!! On a consistent basis, I feel like a dope. This may be why I seem to date men of higher than above average intelligence. My husband was top of the list with a Mensa-like IQ of over 140. Pretty much every guy since him has been on the higher spectrum of the intelligence level ( maybe even one or two fall into the "spectrum" category.) I've never felt on their level. This is a girl with average intelligence. Luckily, I have common sense, which is a damn, fine thing to have. But, I'm horrible at geography, math, and many other subjects. I can name actors and authors with astonishing clarity, however. Abilities that get you nowhere in life. I can answer Final Jeopardy questions correctly 90% of the time. And, I swept the shit out of the Russian history and Scarlet Johansen categories. 
  My drunken date said I was more well read than he was. This guy was very well read. A total turn on. Reading is my jam. I have a lot of friends who read more, so this surprised me. I feel like I don't read enough. 
  As far as writing, I'd love to do more. I'm lackadaisical and doubt my abilities. I have half of a screenplay finished, I rarely blog and this blank journal that's supposed to become a novel is empty. It's not that I don't have ambition. The doubts just plague me. I remember when I was in third grade, wanting to write a sequel to Charlotte's Web. My mom, who was oddly supportive of creative ventures and nothing else in my life, bought me a blank journal in which to write it. All was well with my first draft until kids at school rudely told me I couldn't write the sequel. Way to dash dreams, dudes. I finished one screenplay that I entered into Project Greenlight. I think only Bob read it. The contestants who were supposed to obviously didn't. You were to answer a questionnaire to ensure you did. They said I didn't have any female characters. There were actually two. Regardless, it was crap and it doesn't matter that I didn't progress to the next level. My current one isn't bad, by my standards. The question is- will I EVER finish it? 
  I would love to write a novel, but I'm terrified. I wish I could just grow a set and do it. 
  Thank you anyone who has ever read this blog and encouraged me. It means a lot. The feedback seems genuine and I appreciate it. Even if it's the only thing I write, it feeds my soul.