Thursday, April 30, 2015

I'm married at the gym

  My friend and I joined a gym. Me, for obvious reasons. I think she just wants to get into better shape. She's slender and a classic beauty who doesn't need a minute at the gym. We probably look like Laurel & Hardy when we enter. 

  Today was our second day, but I have a routine down. I do thirty minutes of cardio and thirty minutes of weight training. As I sat doing my thirty minutes on the bike, I noticed the popularity of the bike beside me. There's about a line of seven of these bikes. Plenty of personal space for all. So, why two different old men had to park it right beside me I'll never know. The first smelled like he fell down in a vat of IcyHot. The second freaking sang to himself the whole time. I'm trying to listen to Joe Rogan and read some Buzzfeed. Listen, gents, I know what you're up to. I only get hit on by old men, so I know their games. It's gross. I wear my wedding ring on my right hand. It's going to get switched to my left when these geezers are around. There are some hot guys there, but none looking my way. Story of my life. 

  Today the bike told me my weight. Thanks, bike. I needed to know that I'm ten pounds heavier than I thought I was. Instead, a punching glove should've extended from a secret compartment and punched me in the gut. I'm there and doing the work, so I guess it's the first step. I think it's boosting my metabolism because I feel like eating all of the food all of the time. Maybe in a month, I'll see some results. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015


  I wish I wasn't writing this. I wish you were still here. But, you aren't and this is the only way to talk to you. 
  You're boy is doing well. You'd be so proud of him. He's done remarkably well this past year. His resilience is admirable. He has breakdowns, of course. I hold him and cry with him. Everyday, he asks me to tell him a story about me and you before he was born. I have so many funny stories. When I think of those times, I smile. 
  Your mom told me she'll never get over your loss. I told her that I understand. How could she? You were a perfect son. Your sisters are so strong. It's been so hard on them. I think Nikki cries everyday and it breaks all of our hearts. You meant so much to so many people. 
  For a long time, I felt guilt. You were the far better parent. The bond you and Viggo had was so strong. I felt guilt about mourning you, like I didn't have the right. Our relationship got so complicated. But, then I realized you were such a huge part of my life and I had every right to mourn. You were every part of my adult life. We loved each other so much, for so long.
You were my husband. 
  As you know, I'm not one to necessarily believe in the afterlife. But, when you passed, I saw signs from you. Your sisters say you communicate through music, which is so true. One day at work, I walked into our receiving room. The radio was on and I was thinking of you. The next song was Travis "Flowers in the Window", which played as we walked down the aisle after we were married. I hear songs, out of the blue, all the time, that were special to us and I know you are there. The auditorium was packed at Viggo's Christmas pageant, yet the chair beside me was never filled. You were there. You've taken such good care of us. We have a great apartment and V loves living in Pittsburgh. He's happy. You know, I'm not the best mom, but somehow, it's working. We're so close. And, you'd be so amazed at this boy. His report cards are good. He's kept his promise. He's such an amazing child. We did a good job. 
  I dream of you every night, without fail. In most dreams, we're still together and my grandparents are still alive. Happier times. 
  We love you and miss you. We talk about you everyday. We laugh at stories, and sometimes we cry. You're forever in our hearts and I know you're watching over us. You were the best man I've ever known. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Tech support

  Our computer recently died. Not a huge surprise. It was old. It's time had come. We only use it for goofy Internet searches, so I bought the boy a tablet. He likes to go onto YouTube and watch videos of people making modifications to Legos and Transformers using sharpies. It was priceless when he said, "Mom, these people are adults, but they're playing with toys." I replied with "I know. They probably live in their mom's basement. Don't become one of them."
  Technology is great, sometimes amazing. Upon setting up this tablet, it synced up pictures I had saved at some point, somewhere. Of course, one being of Jon Hamm's crotch. Specifically his bulge. Jon Hamm likes to hit the town sans underwear. I know this because of the internet. I think there's a Tumblr dedicated to "little Hamm". So, one of these images was saved to some cloud and then downloaded onto his tablet. He hasn't explored all the components of his tablet, thank goodness. The problem is, I can't figure out how to delete it. I'm not tech savvy, but, by no means am I an idiot. However, I cannot find an option to delete pictures. It also downloaded a pic of me and an ex. That one needs to go away, too. We look very happy. While I look upon little Hamm with love, the same can't be said for the ex. As much as I enjoy a celebrity's exact outline of genitals in his pants, it's not something that needs to be on my child's tablet. Also, that thing is huge. He doesn't need to suffer penis envy this early in life. Quite honestly, I'm surprised that was the only salacious pic to show up. I've had many unsolicited junk pics sent to me. My girl friends can attest to this. Guys, just know that if you send one, at least 10 other girls are seeing it and giggling. While the child is away, I'm going to diligently research how to remove this pic. Let's hope I don't have to call tech support.