Monday, September 29, 2014

Autumn of my discontent

  I'm depressed. No, I'm beyond depressed. My year and a half relationship has ended. I suppose it was inevitable, but I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for it. For once in my life, I wasn't dumped or doing the dumping. We came to the decision mutually and it was painful for both of us. On my end, I never see him and it was causing anger and resentment. On his end, he never wants marriage ( I don't either, but he kept bringing it up) and will never live with me. He mentioned not wanting to stay in the country, too. Throw in a twenty year age difference and, voila, you have a break up. We care for each other very much, but neither of us thinks it will last. He said he felt like an asshole because we never saw each other. I felt like I was keeping him from a normal life. Eventually, I'm sure he'll want to have kids (without the dreaded marriage) and this lady isn't popping out any more babies, as much as I'd like to.
  My friends have been so wonderful. I immediately got so many nice condolences. Two friends threatened to beat him up before I explained it was a mutual split. Everyone expressing their love and concern made me feel good. I'm taking it rough. One night I cried into my lasagna. This food should always be eaten and not cried upon. Most of the time, I'm in a dreadful mood. I'm sure my co-workers are delighted with me. But, I can't help it. I loved him. I know there are worse things going on in the world, but it's become a huge fragment of my thoughts.
  Already concerned with aging and weight gain, the burden of possibly dating again makes me think it's a lost cause. I'm not in the best shape. I think about exercising, but when I get home from work, I can't fathom the thought. Tonight, I bought a facial exercising book. Rightfully so, my co-workers laughed. But, twice this week, I've had two people clearly in their sixties talk to me as if I were their same age. I was talking about where I grew up with someone's mother and they asked if I knew so and so and said "Oh, he may be a few years older than you.' Yeah, he is. He's my friend's dad! We aren't even close to the same age. Another guy was talking about a TV station that plays old shows like Petticoat Junction and Mary Tyler Moore. He said "You remember those shows." Freakin' Petticoat Junction?! No, I wasn't born. Now, I do remember Mary Tyler Moore, but I was a child. Do I look 20 years older than I am? Please, no one answer that. Sweet Moses, I've got to get to working this face until head transplants become a thing. How I managed to land my hot, twenty-three year old ex is beyond me.
  I've got my boy with me and that's enough on my plate for now. Trying to be two parents is pretty time consuming and leaves little time for a relationship anyway. But, I mourn the loss of this one. I hope he has a wonderful life.

Friday, September 5, 2014

September, you suck.

  I feel bad complaining about things, because, overall, I have it pretty good. Lots of people have it a lot worse. So, I sometimes tell myself to shut it. But, a few things are bothering me.
  For one, I'm so poor right now. After putting over $400 into my shit car, I can't seem to get caught up. I just got paid today and I literally have less than $60 left. I desperately needed new shoes. If you've ever seen me walk, you know that I walk pigeon toed. It's gross and severely wears out the inside of my shoes, then making my feet hurt like crazy. It's also exacerbating the newly forming varicose veins on my legs. Sexy, I know. I had to get these shoes. Also needed was a frying pan and food to feed my child properly. Thankfully, he loves Ramen noodles, but, good gravy, one can't eat that everyday. Now, I'm bone broke.
  The worst problem occurring lately is the absence of pooping. I know it's t.m.i, but it's true. It's been two weeks. TWO WEEKS. Normally, it's like clockwork. I've never had a problem. For unknown reasons, it's left me like a deadbeat dad out to get some milk. I had to make a wish the other day and, swear to God, I wished to poop. Some might suggest to get medicine. Oh, I did that. You know what happens? The goddamn opposite. It was like I was peeing out of my butt. There has been no in between. Who wants to go to a doctor about this?  "Oh, what are you here for?" "I haven't pooped." Yeah, that's not embarrassing at all.
  Almost as absent is my sex life. I literally have a hard time remembering the last time. It's beyond ridiculous. My boyfriend has returned to school, which keeps him busy.  Before this, we saw each other, maybe once a week. Now, that's out of the question. I'm not really understanding it. Sure, he's busy, but, really? I think I've seen him twice since we've moved. I might as well be in a long distance relationship. Any guys in Alaska need a girlfriend? I honestly don't know why I bother.
  Driving home tonight, I missed hitting a guy on a bike by inches. He was coming down a hill at top speed and rode directly in front of me. Luckily, I'm on point while driving and missed him. He flipped a curb and crashed in the grass, unscathed. I was so relieved he was alright. We both laughed it off, but I came home and fixed a stiff drink. I'm not pooping, I feel like I have a fever everyday, there's no boyfriend, I'm being questioned about Transformers every five seconds and my head hurts. I'm a little cranky. But, I have cable and internet. It's lessening the pain. In the meantime, I will continue to be a raving, irrational maniac.

Monday, September 1, 2014


  I try to figure out the psychology behind what people do a lot. In fact, I would've loved to have become a psychologist or psychiatrist. Motives are sometimes honest or have underlying causes that are disturbing. I try to keep my own honest, if only for my own clear conscience.  
  Lately, I've been pondering over one, but I think I've deduced it. My Linkedin profile is very boring. Nothing has changed about it since it's inception. However, I've been getting some profile views. It's my ex's wife. This is the ex who cheated. This is the woman he cheated with, whom he has recently wed. I'm wondering why she's looking at my profile. I haven't spoken with him in forever. Our last encounter was a tearful goodbye at Starbucks.  He explained that if he were to make his relationship work with her then he and I couldn't remain friends. A shame, but I understood. We both agreed that he should do whatever to make it work. He didn't want to lie to her about hanging out with me and didn't want there to be fights if he were honest about meeting up with me. Considering how they met, there seem to be trust issues. Quite honestly, in my worst moments, I never helped those fears for her. For some time, I held lots of resentment for what I felt was deceit and betrayal. We weren't the most welcoming to each other. But, she surprisingly sought me out when his cat died. That gesture showed me she genuinely cared for him. I had healed and felt I could even get to know her. She seemed like a caring girl. But, I think it was too much of an issue, which I understand. So, the ex and I parted ways. The only time we've had contact since was after Bob died. I emailed the ex because he was a part of V's life and I just felt he should know, in a weird way. He needn't reply, I said in the email. But, he's a good guy, so he expressed his condolences. Recently, I noticed she had viewed my profile a couple of times. Odd, right? Seeing her new last name, I felt happy for them. Then, I realized that must be the motive. She wants me to see they've been married. Not sure why, though. I am happy for them. He and I never would've worked out. I never would've trusted him again, for one. 
  I remember right after I found out about the affair, we were trying to make it work. I was going through so much shit. I'd just had surgery for fibroids and a biopsy on my breast. He got me my first ever manicure and pedicure at this Eastern European place in Pittsburgh. Throughout the pedicure, he kept going outside to take phone calls. Naturally suspicious now, I suspected it was her. I didn't enjoy the pedicure one bit because of it. We got into a fight. Apparently, he was calling his mom to figure out a proper tip. But, I stood my ground. 
  "It's only been two weeks!," I yelled. "It's going to take time to trust you again."
  The time never came because he broke up with me after Christmas. However much it hurt, it was for the best. He never put me first and I never trusted him again. He was wanting to find a job in other parts of the country and I had a child that I would never move far from. Staying friends was lost as an option for him to make things work with her. It was a joint decision. And, I do wish them the best. They have some issues to work through. I just hope I can be left out of them. I guess I'm just hoping that she can grant me that much. If we all can't be friends, then know that I'm happy for you both, wish you the best. Marriage can be so wonderful. You have that partner to share all things together. I loved being married. Just don't let it get stale. Keep your insecurities to a minimum. I learned from my mistakes. Having to do it all over, I'd never give him a day to regret. So, keep these things in mind, my dear. You have a wonderful opportunity. Don't waste time on things in the past, like me. Focus on the future and your happiness. That's all that matters. Make each other happy. Know that it takes works and it's not always easy. If you're lucky, you'll enjoy your golden years together. I wish you lots of love and memories. Those can be taken away too soon. Life is but a blink of the eye. Make every minute count.