Monday, September 1, 2014

Motive

  I try to figure out the psychology behind what people do a lot. In fact, I would've loved to have become a psychologist or psychiatrist. Motives are sometimes honest or have underlying causes that are disturbing. I try to keep my own honest, if only for my own clear conscience.  
  Lately, I've been pondering over one, but I think I've deduced it. My Linkedin profile is very boring. Nothing has changed about it since it's inception. However, I've been getting some profile views. It's my ex's wife. This is the ex who cheated. This is the woman he cheated with, whom he has recently wed. I'm wondering why she's looking at my profile. I haven't spoken with him in forever. Our last encounter was a tearful goodbye at Starbucks.  He explained that if he were to make his relationship work with her then he and I couldn't remain friends. A shame, but I understood. We both agreed that he should do whatever to make it work. He didn't want to lie to her about hanging out with me and didn't want there to be fights if he were honest about meeting up with me. Considering how they met, there seem to be trust issues. Quite honestly, in my worst moments, I never helped those fears for her. For some time, I held lots of resentment for what I felt was deceit and betrayal. We weren't the most welcoming to each other. But, she surprisingly sought me out when his cat died. That gesture showed me she genuinely cared for him. I had healed and felt I could even get to know her. She seemed like a caring girl. But, I think it was too much of an issue, which I understand. So, the ex and I parted ways. The only time we've had contact since was after Bob died. I emailed the ex because he was a part of V's life and I just felt he should know, in a weird way. He needn't reply, I said in the email. But, he's a good guy, so he expressed his condolences. Recently, I noticed she had viewed my profile a couple of times. Odd, right? Seeing her new last name, I felt happy for them. Then, I realized that must be the motive. She wants me to see they've been married. Not sure why, though. I am happy for them. He and I never would've worked out. I never would've trusted him again, for one. 
  I remember right after I found out about the affair, we were trying to make it work. I was going through so much shit. I'd just had surgery for fibroids and a biopsy on my breast. He got me my first ever manicure and pedicure at this Eastern European place in Pittsburgh. Throughout the pedicure, he kept going outside to take phone calls. Naturally suspicious now, I suspected it was her. I didn't enjoy the pedicure one bit because of it. We got into a fight. Apparently, he was calling his mom to figure out a proper tip. But, I stood my ground. 
  "It's only been two weeks!," I yelled. "It's going to take time to trust you again."
  The time never came because he broke up with me after Christmas. However much it hurt, it was for the best. He never put me first and I never trusted him again. He was wanting to find a job in other parts of the country and I had a child that I would never move far from. Staying friends was lost as an option for him to make things work with her. It was a joint decision. And, I do wish them the best. They have some issues to work through. I just hope I can be left out of them. I guess I'm just hoping that she can grant me that much. If we all can't be friends, then know that I'm happy for you both, wish you the best. Marriage can be so wonderful. You have that partner to share all things together. I loved being married. Just don't let it get stale. Keep your insecurities to a minimum. I learned from my mistakes. Having to do it all over, I'd never give him a day to regret. So, keep these things in mind, my dear. You have a wonderful opportunity. Don't waste time on things in the past, like me. Focus on the future and your happiness. That's all that matters. Make each other happy. Know that it takes works and it's not always easy. If you're lucky, you'll enjoy your golden years together. I wish you lots of love and memories. Those can be taken away too soon. Life is but a blink of the eye. Make every minute count.