Saturday, June 20, 2015

Not even a first date

  Unless you're in the dating world, you have no idea how emotionally draining it can be. For someone who works 40 hours per week, online dating is my best option.I messaged a guy on a site who also works at a bookstore. This took us down a rabbit hole of conversation involving books, movies, tv shows and generally feelings about life. This guy seemed like a great match. In fact, I think our match percentage was 87%. We exchanged numbers and texted everyday for a week. I invited him to a free screening of Jurassic World. He had to decline because of work. I invited him to dinner. He had plans with his dad and assured me he wasn't flaky, just busy. To quote "I dig you". We tentatively made plans for a drink after work and I haven't heard from him since. So weird since we were communicating daily. Now, nothing. Did he get my texts? Maybe he lost his phone. Did something bad happen? Creepily, I checked his Facebook. Nope, no human drama going on. I guess that answers the question of whether he died or not. So, why did he quit responding? We haven't even met, so it couldn't be my looks or personality. I sent one last text saying I enjoyed our conversation, but I was basically giving up if he didn't respond. He didn't respond. 
  This is just a typical experience in the dating world. People have a connection. Then, one member of the party inexplicably jumps ship. I'm guilty of it, too. Before we truly get to know someone, we can reject them for any number of reasons. It's a sad reality. For me, if I stop responding to someone, it's generally to spare their feelings. I should have enough balls to say that I don't want to talk anymore. I hate confrontation. So, I'm sure this guy was wrestling with the same emotions. Maybe it was the fact that I have a child? Who knows. 
  I quit responding to a guy when I found out he didn't have a job and wasn't allowed to drive due to a d.u.i. I'm sure I'm not the first woman to have this reaction to this guy. The phrase "Wanna pick me up and we can do something?" dries ladies up like the desert. No, sir, I do not. I already have a child. I think that was the main obstacle with me and the Russian. You really feel like less of a girlfriend and more of a mom when you have to drive someone everywhere. If I do meet a guy with a car and a job, they seem to be emotionally crippled. I've been on two dates with one guy I like but when the goings good, you learn not to expect much. We have great conversations, so that's all one can ask for. He has a great head of hair, sarcastic wit and is a great kisser. I'm not going to have any expectations. No expectations = no disappointment. 

Monday, June 15, 2015


  My birthday is coming up later this month and I'm dreading it. Pretty much after the age of twenty one, the thrill is gone. It becomes just a glaring reminder of your imminent aging and failed accomplishments. At least, it does for me. It's also one of the few times a year I really feel lonely. Most of the time, I'm ok. I like being alone and doing my own thing. But, the birthday is like a punch in the gut. If you have that significant other, then you have someone to make a big deal over you that day. Someone to give you a little present or to give you a cake. If not, it's a depressing day. I always seem to find myself very single around now, New Year's and Valentine's Day. The trifecta of loneliness to single people. The rest of the year, we're pretty good on our own. Right now, I have the enthusiasm of a grave digger. 
  I'm trying to push past it, but, I'm suffering from a cold. Basically, I've been a total maniac. Very grumpy. The other day, I walked into our cafe at work with my co-worker who goes to the gym with me. Another co-worker started discussing with her how great she looks since starting the gym. Meanwhile, the sick fatty was desperately waiting for her coffee. I was on the verge of yelling "OK, she looks great, the gym obviously hasn't had ANY effect on me, now can I get my coffee?!!!" Like I said, grumpy. Normally, I'd be chiming right in, agreeing. That day, I was like, fuck this shit. If I have this goddamned cold on my birthday, I'm going to put my fist through the wall. I keep trying to tell myself to think positive, but then, that grump kills positive Erin in a violent way-bare-handed with glee. If my mood had a noise, it would be that anguished roar the T-Rex makes in Jurassic Park as the sign falls down around it. Ugh, I have to get out of this funk. Sweet baby Jesus take the wheel. 

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Bizarro me

  I'm the same me except I have a brand new car and I go to the gym a few days a week. That is so unlike me that I think it's giving me an identity crisis. At first, I really hated the gym. I started using the elliptical machine and hated all existence. I had to think about my go to thoughts of when I'm in pain- the Hobbits traveling to Mordor. "If they can do it, I can, too!", I tell myself. That works pretty well. I've built up my strength and can go for about 15 minutes. Then, I hit the weight machines. I'm starting to love it. Who am I?
  Today, a man told me I looked really good. Me. He was a normal man, not an octogenarian, like my normal suitors, so it was refreshing. But, first, let me paint a picture of what gym Erin looks like. I wear old sweatpants with bleach stains. This is accompanied by a shirt covered in cat hair and a sports bra pulling my boobs into my body until I'm like Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry. No make-up, glasses and disheveled hair. When I say no make-up, keep in mind my pink skin undertones that get pinker when I physically exert myself. It's like looking upon a human pig. This is what this man thought looked good. I wasn't attracted to him, but he was a decent looking, in-shape man. He almost walked into a sign looking at me. I felt like that Sex and the City episode where Miranda is wearing her old man Hanes shirt at the gym and the guy says she's sexy. How can this be possible? I can't even get guys to give me that reaction when I'm at my best. My running theory is one I read about- women send out certain pheromones during their periods, signaling to men that they're fertile. Since I've read this, I do notice men are more attentive during these times. Or maybe it's because I'm insane during my period and they're in fear. I get very feisty. Whatever it was, it was bizarre.
  At work, I found a fortune from a cookie lying on the floor directly in my path. It said "In order to stay young, one must change." That same day, I found a Tarot card for the Queen of Staves (Wands) on a shelf. I feel like these are signs. Being a Cancer, I dislike change. But, I quite like all the changes that have recently occurred in my life. If I actually get in shape like I'm always threatening to do, I will be bizarro me.