Monday, December 29, 2014

The last boob panic of 2014

  The boy is staying with the family for his Christmas vacation. He can play with his cousins and enjoy his vacation. I decided it's a good time to watch R rated movies, eat Indian food, and drink wine. For the past two nights, I drink a glass of wine, get drunk from one glass, take a wine nap and then cry because I miss my child. So, having a real blast. V asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him a boyfriend. I think Santa heard me, but in his old age, got it wrong. Instead of a boyfriend, I got texts from an ex wanting to get back together. Because my life needs more complications.
  Last night, during my bath, I noticed my left boob seemed extra heavy. My boobs have been sore for the past week. I took it all in stride because my period just ended. If you're thinking this is TMI, you should know that's my jam by now. Also, for anyone thinking it's a pregnancy, shut it. I can't even remember what sex is like at this point. It's probably the only time I've been relieved I haven't had sex in so long because I could rule that out.
  Like most women, I have one bigger breast, my left one, also known as the bad one. It's the one that had the lump and the biopsy. Most recently, it had another lump, also benign. Last night, I noticed it's almost twice the size of the other one. Straight panic set in. Why is this boob so much bigger?! My first thought is, great, I have to go to a doctor and explain that I need my boob looked at because it's bigger. This is after my last doctor visit where I couldn't poop. This man is going to think I have issues. I really need to see a gyno. I haven't seen one since the golden child was born. I know, this is horrendous. It's the appointment all women hate to make. Someone is all up in your lady business and it's strictly clinical. My last doctor knew I worked at a bookstore and always asked book questions while she was down there. "So, what's the newest John Grisham?" I don't want to talk while you're pinching something inside my inner sanctum. I tend to giggle during the breast exam, too. It's a whole weird scene. Not something I'm anxious to experience again soon. 
  I'm not even sure I'm not imagining it all. Maybe it's always like this. I felt the immediate need to text every ex and ask if they remember the difference in my boobs, but felt that wasn't appropriate. They might remember, though! One ex did drunk text me recently and tell me they were the best he's ever seen. He might be some help. I feel he may think he needs a fresh examination, which isn't going to happen. This is definitely something I would've asked Bob. He would've been reassuring about it, too. Can't ask the Russian. It's the height of complication with him right now.
  I'm thinking and hoping it's just hormones. I want it to deflate like a Macy's balloon after Thanksgiving. 

Monday, December 15, 2014

The holidays

  I've heard a statistic that the holidays of Thanksgiving through Christmas are statistically high for depression. It makes sense. It's a time of family gatherings and if you've lost any family or don't have close ties, it makes you sad. So many great people were lost to us this year. I had a high school friend who lost his son, another who lost her father. My sister in law's best friend lost her dad. Just recently, my niece lost her stepmom. She was a wife, and mother to a young boy. And the Flemings lost Bob. These people were all around last year for these days and now they're gone. Thanksgiving was hard for me. I felt so guilty for being with Bob's family. He should have been there. I love them all so much and being with them is one of the few things that makes me happy. But, my being there meant he wasn't. It was hard to shake. I mean, I've felt that way since his death. It should have been me. He was the better parent. He had so many people who loved him so much. Why was such a loved man taken? His family is so wonderful to me. They treat me better than my own. I'm so happy to be reconnected with them. But, I feel the guilt.
  I haven't really dealt with his passing fully. I feel like it isn't right to grieve in a weird way. We were still separated when he died. He had a girlfriend and a new life. My mind doesn't know where to file any of these feelings that I have. It hits me at odd times, most likely because it's very unresolved. I left the grocery store in tears one day because they were playing Toto's "Africa". Bob and Viggo used to love that song and sing it together.How silly is that? The hardest was the night before Viggo's Christmas program. I remembered how, every year, Bob and I would sit together. We'd laugh and joke and catch up with each other. Even though we separated, we stayed cordial and friendly. This was my first year without that. I would sit alone, cheering on our boy. I felt anger and grief all in one almost undefinable emotion. Once again, I felt it wasn't right that he was missing and I was there. It's just such bullshit. It doesn't make sense.
  The next morning, I sat in the packed auditorium. Beside me was an empty seat that, miraculously, never filled. Instead of sadness, I felt like he was there. When Viggo saw me in the crowd, a huge smile spread across his face. Of course, he was a total ham onstage. Neither of us felt the absence of his father. Instead, we felt the presence of each other.
  I don't think you ever heal from someone's death as much as you scar over.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Weird couple of weeks

  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness. Topping the crazy was the addition of a cat to our household. Believe me, I didn't want another crazy in this apartment. The boy wanted one. All for him. To make matters worse, it's a kitten. I wanted to adopt an older cat. Instead we got the emotional equivalent to me- a needy kitten. She's very adorable and sooo loving. But, when she wants to brush against my face in the middle of the night, I feel a murderous rage. I haven't slept well since she arrived. Luckily, she lets the child sleep. I'm the focus of her attention. If I don't pet her, she bites my nose. She is me in cat form. This is karma. Or Sparta. I can't decide.
  With the holidays approaching, I had car problems, of course. Driving home from work, I hear a dragging sound coming from the car. I pulled over to the nearest gas station. My exhaust pipe was hanging from the car, dragging on the ground. So, there's me, in dress, under the car trying to tie it with a string. Needless to say, that didn't work. When I emerged from the car, a middle-aged, black guy approached me to help. Saying he didn't have wire, he couldn't do much. He offered me a ride, which I declined. He then asked if I "party". I don't know what the hell that meant. I replied with "I'm a mom." He told me I was beautiful and wished he could have helped. I walked home with blackened hands and twigs in my hair.
  Believe it or not, things got better. I phoned a good friend to see if he was around to ride me from home back to the car to get it towed. He wasn't, however he listened to me sob like a maniac. He offered his help and said "You're not in this alone." Those were the most beautiful words I could have heard. I felt like a weight had been lifted. Since Bob died, it has been a daunting task doing this alone. Just thinking about it terrifies me. I've been so stressed and scared, but I haven't told anyone. I need to be strong. When I heard those words, I broke. This friend has been so supportive. For the first time in months, I felt relief. Those words were the equivalent of a million hugs. I'm truly indebted to him for everything. So, I was able to get my shit together. A tow driver from Stickles towing met me at the gas station. He wasn't just a tow truck driver, he was an angel. He said I could drive it to the repair place, without needing a tow. He was going to strap the piece under my car, but he didn't have his strap on him. He offered to follow me there, since I was nervous. He, then, drove me back home. He refused to take any money. I told him he was an angel. That night, two men restored my faith in humanity. I had some Christmas presents stashed away already, so it didn't ruin the boy's Christmas.
  Work has been crazy due to that time of year. I have my yearly cold and sled dog cough going on. I can deal with it because I have peace for once in a long time.