Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My demographic

What's my dating demographic? Apparently, guys 20-26. Also, young black males. These guys must really have an older woman fantasy. I currently have 3 boys in their EARLY twenties hotly pursuing me. I don't know what their expectations might be, but they might be disappointed here. I'm more like them than they realize. Sad, but true. This lady doesn't exactly act her age. If you've seen my apartment, you'll confirm this fact. It's like a teenage hangout. Lots of Hello Kitty and pictures of hot actors hanging on the wall. These boys are probably expecting some together, sexy lady like Samantha on Sex & The City. I'm more Miranda with Carrie's quirkiness. However, I think I'm not bad in the bedroom. Haha. Hey-oh! Anyway, not happening here. I do love the shit out of guys in their twenties. My last two boyfriends were 27. My youngest "conquest" was 21. Scandalous, I know. Guys in their thirties aren't as in shape or energetic. They leave very amusing messages. Some samples- "You're sexy as hell, babe", "I want a taste of you" and the best, "Holy boner". Hours of amusement for me. It remains to be seen if I will ever take any of them up on their offers. We'll see.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Gold-digger? Not

If you talk to a lot of women, they want a guy who is good on paper. You know, good job, nice car, lots of expendable money. That was something that never appealed to me. With the exception of one, all of my past boyfriends have been unemployed when I met them. It's because I think completely with my heart & not with my head at all. In the end, it might be as bad as the gold-diggers. I'll probably just shoot myself in the foot looking for a guy based solely on attraction & personality. Money just isn't that important to me. It's nice, pays the bills. Ok, money is awesome. But, I can't be with a man just for money. I've met guys that could take care of me, but I wasn't attracted to them. And I can't fake it. Where's the spark? Sure, a ring is nice to look at but it's nothing compared to a kiss. Gay, I know. I hear horror stories of girls that stay with guys to get some monetary goal & it makes me sad. Maybe I'll find my dream man at the thrift store. Probably not, unless I'm attracted to men who look like the bastard son of Kenny Rogers and Kenny Powers. Ew.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Close call

What is the saying-don't shit where you eat? Um, yep, it's true. So, maybe I slept with the guy who sold me my car recently. Ole genius here never thought about having to get work done on the car & an uncomfortable encounter. I was dreading what awkward scenario might play out today when i went on for repairs. Luckily, he no longer works there. Phew! I thought I'd be all cool about it, but honestly, I'm such a dork, who knows. I guess I was afraid maybe he'd be a dick. Maybe he would've been cool. Luckily, I don't have to worry about it. I dealt with a lady. Best for all. I won't sleep with her, I promise. I will limit myself to strangers. Haha. No. Well, not ruling that out. Ah, shut it. I'm not sleeping with anyone. Betty White probably gets more action.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I'm sure my neighbors heard the sad cries of "Why am I alone?" last night. It was eerily quiet in my apartment (as it always is when V isn't here). I'm on my period & depressed. A winning combination. Perfect mixture to feel sorry for yourself & sob uncontrollably. I feel like I set myself back light years emotionally. I did, however, force myself to sleep in my bed. I sleep on my love seat every night. Jackass doesn't want to sleep in a bed alone. Finally, I forced myself to just sleep in there. So I'm alone. Suck it up. Put on your big girl panties & go to bed, right? It's truly pathetic. It wasn't so bad. Might force myself to do it every night. The horror!
The not dating is just dandy. Actually, it sucks a dick. Not like I have any other choice anyway. Might as well pretend it's still self-imposed. I'm about as popular as broccoli in a grade school. Maybe this is why I'm soooo lonely. I have to be strong. Hanging with myself. Reading, watching way too much Downton Abbey. I am more comfortable with who I am. Or, I should say, who I've become. It's a lie to think I'm the same person. That girl is gone. This one's a lot more jaded & not so trusting. She still eats a lot of cheese, though.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I want my own Woodrow

I just watched Bellflower. I want my own flamethrower & I want to use it on Patrick's belongings like Woodrow did to Milly's in the film. It's brilliant, see it immediately. I want a man like Woodrow- cute, loving, loyal, fun, drunk a lot and will defend my honor. Any man that can reference Mad Max has a vote in my book. I want a man who can cuddle with me after we've gotten drunk. Oddly, though, I feel like Woodrow. So, maybe I want a man like myself. I think I do. So, a hot mess who reads a lot and loves the shit out of Ancient Aliens & Law & Order. He doesn't exist. A male me doesn't exist. I just want to make out & cuddle. I'm rambling. I still have 5 months of not dating & getting to know myself. I'm getting used to being alone. Starting to like this girl. She's cooler than she lets on.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Glass houses?

I got a message today on the dating site. He talked about how surprised he was that I mentioned Cthulhu. He thought he was one of the few familiar with H.P. Lovecraft. Whatevs. He, then talked about his interest in psychology & sociopaths. I completely judged him as a weirdo. Then I realized I just judged myself because those are the things i'm interested in. Why is it ok for me but it makes this guy a psycho? I completely put people under a microscope. Is this wrong? Honestly, I never used to be this jaded. I blame working in retail & He Who Shall Not Be Named. I've turned into an asshole. How do I ever hope to find someone under these harsh standards? The asshole part of me has always been there, just buried under lots of goodwill & niceness. It's ok, the nice is dead. Today I wished out loud that the old man driving slow in front of me had been taken out by a sniper in Vietnam ( I could see his veteran's hat in his window). Who thinks this shit? What's wrong with me?!
I found that the whole men who love bitches philosophy is completely true. There were two guys sending me messages that I sometimes ignored and, most of the time, I was just rude or indifferent. They ate it up. I've never had men pursue me so hard. What's wrong with men? Why this weird game? If I'm nice & cordial to a guy, it's a no to little response. You're freaks. Worse than me and I'm a true weirdo. Apparently, you have to be an ass to get a man's attention. Now I know I'll get some upset responses by you men with your panties in a bunch. But, think about how you really are. Really think about it. I know for a fact that two of my best relationships failed because I was such a nice, compliant girlfriend. You guys want some spice & feistiness. You don't want nice & happy. That's bland. Don't disagree. It's true. Well, the next guy is going to get his dream- a raging jerk. Quit reading this & take the fucking garbage out for your wife/girlfriend! Eh? Pretty good, huh?

Monday, February 13, 2012


I had a guy message me on the dating website. Ok, still not dating for six months, but love this website. I don't have to shop, but I can browse. Anyway, he was very persistent & wanted to text. My co-workers urged me to give in since he was good-looking. We spent a day of texting. Only a day because he was a weirdo. I find out he's a cop. Not thrilled. Cops are the man. I can't consort with the man. This is the girl who doodled anarchy symbols in high school! So, that was red flag number one.
Red flag number two was his invasive questions & his aggression. He was insisting on hearing my voice. No, sir, I don't like to talk on the phone. Then, came the questions. "Can I ask you something personal?". Me-"I guess". Wait for it... "What's your bra size & are you on birth control?". Yep. Creep. Curiosity always gets the best of me, so I slightly indulged him by saying no to the bc question. He proceeds to tell me "that's a shame" because he doesn't use condoms or "pull out". Well, we have a class act on our hands. He goes on to say that condoms don't prevent Aids or "herpies". Um, yes, they do. We debate back & forth until I say this point is not negotiable & went to bed. He texted back "Goodnight, xoxo". Really?
The next day he tries to start up a conversation. I said I no longer wanted to talk to him because of his views on condoms. His suggestion was "maybe I'll meet you & really like you & I might try a condom". No, no, sir. Maybe I should extend this hold on dating until a year. There are no good available men out there. And, don't debate me on this. I don't see anyone showing me anything different.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Male friends vs. female friends

Lately I've been hanging out more with friends. Happens when you're suddenly not revolving your life around someone else (he who shall not be named). Guy friends & girl friends are vastly different. With my girl friends, we routinely tell each other "I love you". Can't do that with a guy friend. I've had quite a few of my male friends profess deep feelings for me. That "I love you" might come off wrong. This is especially true with my friend High Five. Long story short, we had a first date in which he gave me a high five at the end of the night. Hence, High Five. Now, we are good friends. But, we get drunk together & lines get blurry. Even when I was in my last relationship, High Five got very "handsy" when he was drunk. My friend, Shelly was profoundly disturbed by it. I spent my night readjusting his hands and lips.
Guys are also not the best slumber party guests. My female friends aren't dropping hints about having sex when they stay over.
But, I like the company of both sexes. I'm thankful to have friends who love me and save my sanity.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Hanging with E

Week one of my not dating & getting to know myself. It sucks a dick. I think I'm my own worst enemy. I don't really enjoy all this time to myself. Luckily, my loneliness has been alleviated by the company of friends on a couple of nights. There's been a shit ton of movie watching. I, also, literally spent a whole night thinking about the movie Inception. On my very best days, I have V to keep me company. I couldn't ask for a sweeter kid. He's the best thing to ever happen to me.
My self-imposed exile from dating hasn't stopped me from checking activity on the dating website. Frankly, it's just too entertaining. And, when a hot guy leaves you a message saying you're "fucking gorgeous" you have to check that shit out. So sue me. It's like the male gender knows what I'm doing and is tempting me. I'd like to think they'll miss me if I stay away for six months. Good gravy, I think I need therapy. Seriously. How do I not lose my mind? Why am I so obsessed with men? It's ridiculous. I think I have the emotional maturity of a teenage girl. I caught myself seriously oogling a boy at the Moundsville Wal-Mart deli counter the other day. I'm turning into a creeper. I have all these boys in their twenties messaging me. I have zero desire for men my age. What would I rather have- hot, muscled guys with stamina or pot-bellied, boring guys who tire easily? Yep, twenties. I mean, sixth months from now. Yeah, right.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Is reality real?

I spend the majority of my time contemplating whether reality is real or if this is all a dream. Maybe we create our reality. Maybe we're in the holographic paradigm. Or it's the Matrix. Absolutely fascinating, nonetheless. I wonder what I would choose- to know the truth or to live in some imagined bliss. Right now, I'd love to have the wool pulled over my eyes & be a dope in a bliss world. I want to be Joey Pants in the Matrix with the juicy steak. Screw reality. I think it's like Inception. Who knows what's real & what's a dream. In my dream, Patrick is my Mal. I'm tortured & anguished like Cobb. Eh, you'd think I'd implant some Tom Hardy into my dream. It's more like a nightmare. I can't escape my thoughts. Is my top still spinning?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Six month break

Today was a very rough day emotionally. I felt raw, like I haven't healed at all. How can it be over a month and I still hurt this much?
My boss suggested that I take a year off of men & looking for love. She said I need to get to know myself. I told her I can't stand myself. "Well, no one can love you until you love yourself." I know this all too well. She's right. I know she's right because I tell myself this stuff everyday. Hearing someone else say it resonated within me.
I don't like being alone. I've always had a man in my life. The longest I've been alone has been six months. So, I don't really know myself in the context of being alone. I've decided to take at least six months to be alone & get to know myself. Try to like myself. Ugh. I don't like me. That's a huge problem. Every relationship will slowly degrade until I can love who I am. In a weird way, it's a freeing feeling to give up for awhile & it be my choice. Can I do this? Can I accept this goofy girl who loves too much & laughs too loud? She holds a grudge & sometimes can't look in the mirror. She feels so alone. I have to do it. For myself. The girl I don't like.