Sunday, December 30, 2012

Percentage of finding love is 0%.

There's so much to do in Pittsburgh. For the first time in my life, I'm venturing out a lot on my own. I feel I have a tinge of social anxiety, so it doesn't happen too often. People up here are so nice. They strike up conversation. Coming from WV, it's weird. When I got Chinese food the other night, a woman waiting for food struck up conversation about the weather. I was elated, of course. In Wheeling, people grimly stand in line & wait for their product. This friendliness is an adjustment. I'm not saying there aren't dicks up here. I wanted to punch a woman in the face the other day. It's just astonishing how much nicer they are.
I love seeing different types of people. The area I live in is hardcore Jewish. I mean, long beard, black hat wearing Jewish. Let me tell you who's hardcore about making their kids shovel snow- Koreans & Jews. When we got this storm I saw kids V's age busting ass shoveling. The Jewish kid next door shoveled the shit out of his family's driveway. As I drove to work, I saw what looked like a six year old Korean kid getting his balls busted by his mom for not shoveling right. That's awesome. Viggo acts like he's dying if he has to get up & get his own drink. I should let him bunk with that kid for a week.
Oh, and you know how I came up with the statistic of 3 out of 5 men here being good looking? Well, 3 out of 5 are also gay. My gaydar is completely broken. I can't tell who's gay or straight. So, I just flirt with all men. Throwing it out there like a boomerang hoping it brings something back. Can't hurt, right? Oh, yes it can. I snagged an older gentleman admirer at work. I guess he's a regular. Very polite and well-dressed with obviously a lot of money. He tells me how beautiful I am all the time. Yesterday, he inquired if I had a boyfriend. I lied & said "yes". Disappointed, he inquired as to whether my mother looked like me & was single. Jesus. Why can't this man be thirty years younger. He said if I'm ever single, he'd love to take me to dinner. I just can't do the sugar daddy thing. I'm the jackass that's still looking for true love. The hell with luxury & comfort, I need love (which I'm convinced is as dead as disco). What's wrong with me? The old man said the boyfriend better marry me before someone "snatches me up". If he only knew the truth. No one is snatching this lady up. If I were merchandise, I'd be in a discount bin. I've had a couple of guys seem flirty at work, but, they were probably gay. At this point, I might look into becoming a beard. You know how many boyish-looking girls I've seen with boyfriends? What the shit? Maybe I should Boy's Don't Cry myself everyday to get a date. Tape down my boobs & wear my Gary Oldman glasses & no makeup. I always think these girls are lesbians, but then they mention having a boyfriend or fiancée. FIANCÉE! I can't get a date & girl over here that looks like a white Urkel is getting married?! This sucks. I see M a lot, but I think it's all just physical for him. I want a guy to hang out with. I have great conversations with him, too. His intelligence is through the roof. But, guys are weird.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I love the shit out of Pittsburgh

  So, it's officially my second week in Pittsburgh. Lots of things still in boxes. It feels like home a bit. No cable, which is a huge adjustment for me. I always have the tv on, just for noise. I hate quiet. There's wi/fi here, sometimes. I watch a lot of Netflix and DVDs.
  My roommates seem nice. I'll be honest, I'm not even sure how many I have. I've met three. There's one on the mailbox that I haven't met. My friend, Amy, said she imagines it's like the show New Girl, though she's never seen it. I guess the only difference is instead of kooky girl moving in with 3 guys, it's kooky girl living with a couple of gay guys & a possible Russian girl. It's probably more like Mrs. Garrett on The Facts Of Life. These kids are messy. I did their dishes since I was snowed in yesterday.  Someone should inform them there isn't a garbage disposal in the sink. Ew. I don't think the girl who had the room before me ever cleaned the bathroom. I pulled what looked like a small animal out of the bathtub drain. I just want to clean and tidy things.
  The dating scene isn't really happening for me. According to my own statistics, three out of five men are good-looking, however three out of five are also gay. Makes finding a date rather difficult. I've seen M. a few times. I really like him, but who knows what he feels. It's easier to not think about it & keep my heart safe. I suspect, like most men, he's only interested in sex.
  I love it here, already. I love seeing all the different places to go & the endless possibilities. Coming over the bridge into the city is a thrill every time. I can't wait until it's not raining or snowing to explore.  I waxed poetic about it to a customer and she was enchanted by my excited descriptions of how I feel about moving here. I think people can become disenchanted with where they live. Spend some time in Wheeling, and suddenly your town looks spectacular. People are very nice here. Granted, I've seen more public arguments by couples, but overall everyone is cheery. Four out of five people in Wheeling are mean and cranky. (Once again, my own statistic). Understandable. I was miserable. There isn't anything to do. Jobs are scarce. Yesterday when I was snowed in, I walked a block and got Chinese food. How awesome is that? I could have gotten Arab, Italian or bar food on that same block. I love that. I pass a movie theater everyday that shows independent movies. I could throw a stick and hit a coffee shop. I love the shit out of this city. Even if I can't find a man, I'm in love with this city and it'll keep me entertained for a good while. I can't wait to do some exploring. For the first time in my life, I enjoy going places by myself. I just walk around with a stupid smile on my face. I can't believe I finally made it here. I've been happy for two weeks straight. And, oddly, I think I've seen Viggo just as much or more than before. It's a bit of an adjustment staying with my mom, but we're making it work.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Almost ten things I hate about you

  The other night on Happy Endings (hilarious TV show, watch it), one of the characters got into trouble with a new boyfriend. She makes lists of things she hates about every boyfriend and he found it. This is something I've never done. I'm the too nice girl who is nice even after the break up. One of my best friends made a profile on for my cheating ex boyfriend and I eventually made it invisible because I felt he suffered enough. So stupid. Needless to say, I've never made a dislike list. I tend to see the best in people almost to a fault. It made me think that I should as a form of therapy. I mean, if you cheat on me the least I can do is make a list of things I didn't like. I'm on my period, so this could be long and drawn out. This is in no particular order.
1. He always walked ahead of me. It was like we were in a foot race of some kind. We'd go to the stupid Giant Eagle and it was like a cloud of dust in front of me where he was. I would think "Why the shit is he walking so fast? He works in a freaking lab all day." He wouldn't even be conscious of my presence. We're supposed to be shopping together and we're walking around like I was his freaking geisha, made to walk ten paces behind. Sometimes, I would just hang back to see if he'd even notice I wasn't beside him. That always really bothered me. It basically said that he didn't give a shit that I was there. Hmm. The signs.
2. We never went anywhere. Oh, other than Giant Eagle where I was following him like a sprinter in a race with Usain Bolt. When we first started dating, he took me to really nice restaurants. Then, it turned into just hanging out at his house. We saw ONE movie at the theater together. ONE. We dated for a year. Luckily, it was Moneyball and worth seeing. After maybe a month of dating, the only place we went, other than his house, was his dad's apartment. I think I saw as much of that place as I did his. Luckily, I liked his dad. We saw three comedy shows, but this was at my urging. We were supposed to see Patrice O'Neal right before we broke up, but he suffered a stroke. Maybe that should have been a sign. Your favorite comedian is going to die and so is your relationship.
3. He was very judgmental. I'd never had a manicure until I met him. He was so horrified at the state of my nails that he bought all the essentials and gave me a manicure. What man does that? I always did his dishes when I stayed over to be nice. He had a dishwasher, but was Nazi fanatical about washing the dishes before placing them in the dishwasher. One time, I took all the dishes out of the dishwasher and put them away thinking they had been through the cycle. They had not. He lost his shit. That's how clean these damn dishes were. He would always inspect them if I cleaned them. It makes me really laugh about that incident.
4. He was ridiculous when he saw a stink bug. I don't know the technical name for these bugs. Supposedly, if you try to kill them, they let off an odor. I think this is false. I've killed many without smelling anything. When he saw one, he wouldn't let me move. Then, he would run and get his vacuum and suck it up. He was so paranoid that I would do something to incite a smell from this bug. It was always comical watching him go through this charade. Ninety year old ladies react more rationally to the presence of bugs. 
5. He was a perv. And not always in a good way. I like some kink, but he always had the roving eye. Great, you think that girl on TV is hot? Shut it, I don't want to hear about it. He's the kind of guy that makes jokes about your friend being hot, but you really suspect he's serious. When he was cheating on me, he was taking Viagara. I suppose you need it when you're screwing two girls. That should have been a huge sign. It's not like he ever needed it when we were together at all. I may have horrible self-esteem, but I can provide a boner in a man, no problem. I think it's my titties, they're pretty spectacular. Anyway, he got a prescription for Viagara, which I thought was odd, but thought he was just experimenting with it. Duh. When I found out he was cheating, I dumped them in his toilet and didn't flush so he'd see what I'd done. I poked holes in all his condoms in his bathroom and left them in his cabinet. I should have been meaner and did some kind of Stella Got Her Groove Back revenge and set his clothing on fire in his front yard. Once again, I'm too kind.
6. He was just a horrible boyfriend. Not necessarily on a daily basis, but what he did at the end was unforgivable. Cheats on me when I think I might have breast cancer. There's just really something wrong with your morals if you do that. The day I had my biopsy, he was late. I had to go through it alone. It was truly awful. He was there when I came out. He took me up to Pittsburgh. He got me a manicure and a pedicure. I couldn't enjoy it. I saw him take a phone call while I was getting it and was paranoid it was the other woman. Here, he was calling his mom to see how much of a tip to leave. Then, he had the audacity to get offended at my being upset. Really? Instead of taking me to his house to rest, I had to go to his lab with him for a few hours. Mind you, his boss knew of the situation and told him to take the day off. Nope. He just let me sleep at a table. I'm not saying he was all bad. He was very doting and loving. He always called me "dear" and "beautiful". He gave me the best Valentine's Day ever. We were really in love. He just fucked up and handled it in the worst way possible.
7. He had to put his creamer in his coffee first. This is a really stupid complaint, but he always jacked up my coffee. I put the creamer in last.
Ok, at the moment, I'm very tired & can't come up with ten things. Truth is, I'd erase his existence from my brain if I could. The damage he did was far worse than the good he did. Regardless, he's some other lady's problem now. Enjoy, girl. I sure as hell don't miss these things. In fact, after a year of being depressed, I'm completely over him & wondering what I saw in him. Love is a strange drug.

Monday, December 10, 2012

I'm blogging way too much

  My anxiety is through the roof. I think Alzheimer's is also, because I just forgot how to spell "roof". Geez, I have way too much on my mind. I'm freaking out about this move. It doesn't help that it's coinciding with my period. I have visions of myself sitting alone in this new apartment surrounded by boxes and weeping uncontrollably. At least, I'll have my own bathroom. That's what I keep telling myself. When I have anxiety shit, I can be relieved by the fact that no one will come into the room after me.
  I'm excited about starting the new job. Very excited. It's such a nice store. I think I'll love it. I can't think about leaving my old job. I'll cry, I'm sure. I've made some really good friends there. I'll still stop in and see everyone, but it won't be the same not seeing them everyday.
  Let's hope I make new friends. Maybe stick a man in there somewhere. Not sure what's going on with M. I hate liking someone because then you're in the "wonder zone". I wonder if he likes me. I wonder if we'll continue seeing each other. I wonder, blah, blah, blah. You pretty much wonder until they flat out tell you what they're thinking. I don't even know what I'm thinking, so it's just as well. Anyway, I'm too focused on this move. It consumes my every thought. I'm not quite sure when or how I'm getting all my possessions there. See, this is where having a boyfriend comes in handy. Uh, I'm screwed.
  I'm in such a better place than I was last year, so I'm not going to complain too much. This year was vividly painful. Last December was an awful mess that no one should have to experience. On the bright side, I didn't have breast cancer. That was terrifying and I didn't share that with anyone. I have nightmares about it now and then. And, going through it with a cheating boyfriend as your support system is not the way to do it. I don't think I'll ever go for another mammogram. I've had around five and I can't do it again. I bury it all, but it comes to the surface every once in a while. I'll just send it back to the murky depths with some cement shoes.
  I'm off to start a new chapter of my life and couldn't be more excited. A lot of my dreams are coming true. There are a lot more to be fulfilled.

Saturday, December 8, 2012


  I just got back from looking at another apartment and now I'm really torn. The neighborhood was very nice, as was the apartment. The room I would have was incredibly spacious. I could fit everything. Plus, it has it's own bathroom. There's on-site laundry. The only issue is parking that I would have to get a permit for. There are four other roommates (3 guys and one girl). I'm a little disappointed that I might not be living in a real life Big Bang Theory (as my friend Becky said) in the other place. C'mon, blonde girl, Vietnamese guy and a German? Hilarity. Considering all the junk I have, I'd be wise to pick the bigger place. Plus, I'm only obligated to live there until April as opposed to July in the other place.
  I'd be pretty close to M. Not sure what's going on there. I wrote him off earlier in the week. He hadn't been returning my texts. He offered to help me look at apartments and when I asked him about an area, he never replied. I said "Never mind, I'll figure it out". Apparently, he felt he would let me "relax a bit". My snarkiness always gets me in trouble. All in all, I'm glad to hear from him. It did teach me that I need to pull back a bit. I was pretty bummed when I didn't hear from him all week. Lots of nights drinking wine and surfing the dating website. I did have a guy contact me from out of the blue. We went on a date almost a year ago. It went well, but then he went to Israel for a while and I didn't hear from him. He's back and flirting. Gay date is still messaging me. That was a year ago. I still think he's gay but he's persistent about trying to get a second date. Dude, you're 22, look 32 and are possibly gay. Let it go. Then, Pepe Le Peu messaged me. We had one date and he went batshit wanting to see me again. No, thank you. Fucking M. I did apologize for being a dick. Why do I have to like anyone? That's weak. I need to man up and not get attached. But, he's very intelligent and I really enjoy his company. Surely, I'll run into some men in Pittsburgh. I hope none of them are exes. Ugh. That's another reason I'm thinking of not moving to the one place. Eerily close to where He Who Shall Not Be Named works. Very close. Too close for comfort. And, not in a Jim J. Bullock fun kind of way. I'm sure I won't be lacking in company.
  Honestly, why didn't I discover wine a long time ago. Very nice. Two glasses give a nice buzz. I slept like the dead last night. It gives you a nice, fuzzy buzz. I wonder if this will be trouble having three young roommates? The other night, I had a man mistake me for 25. He said if his son were single, he'd set me up because we're the same age. I just shook my head and laughed. We're not the same age, but I would possibly date someone that age.
  I'm sure this is full of typos and nonsensical words, since I'm slightly drunk. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I feel like Fred Sandford

  Preparing to move is not fun at all. I know that's a redundant statement, but it's so true. Man, I have a lot of junk. It's like a mini junkyard here. I'm ready for Lamont to come strolling in. If you don't get that reference it's because you're young, so, shut it. I have ridiculous things. I found some of my baby clothes. MY baby clothes, not Viggo's. Needless to say, I've been holding onto some things for too long. I know that hoarding tends to run in my family. I really don't want to turn into one of those people you see on "Hoarders" who store their pee in their fridge or who have so much shit that dead cats are underneath their junk. I'm liberally trying to throw away things. This is hard for me. I find sentimental value in everything. But, after seeing the small space I may be moving into, it's a necessity. I threw away a bunch of old makeup and my soul now hurts. I have to say to myself "When is the last time you used this?" and decide to pitch it or not. I'm doing better than I thought I'd do. My great grandmother was a hoarder. Except she did weird things like wrap a piece of candy in a bunch of tissue and put it in her pocket. I guess that's a form of hoarding. My grandmother was very sentimental and held onto things. Definitely genetic. Cheap wine is making this a lot easier.
  The good thing is I think I'll have some extra space where I'm going. I'm probably going to pick a place I looked at the other night. It's with two grad students, both foreign. Basically, they're never home. I will have a decent sized room and I can put anything else downstairs in the living room. It's a very guy apartment. I'm cool with that. There's a washer and dryer, so that sold it for me. Oddly, the first place I looked at was in Squirrel Hill and very nice. The two girls there were besties. I could tell they were going to talk about me when I left. The place was super neat. I just felt I'd be really uncomfortable. Basically, I'd either have to become their new best friend or they'd spend they're time dissecting me. Hence, the choice to live with two men. I haven't even met them. I met they guy moving out. He was hilarious. I think one guy is Vietnamese and the other may be German. Who cares? They're not there a lot. He said he hadn't even seen the one roommate in a month. It's going to be like living with a poor Bruce Wayne. I'll probably have to shine a bat signal to get a hold of them. I'm fine with that. Adjusting to living with other people may take some time. Wait until they meet the goofass they're living with. All of a sudden these poor men are going to have pads and tampons in their bathroom. Be afraid, be very afraid.