Thursday, November 29, 2012


  For the first time in four years, I'll be moving. For the first time in four years, I won't be living alone. After months of wanting to work for B&N again, I got hired. I'm super-excited. I'll get to live in Pittsburgh again, which I love. LOVE. Anyone that knows me, knows how much I hate living in Wheeling. Not just Wheeling, but anywhere in this valley. It's just not for me. It will be an adjustment, though. The last time I lived with anyone, I was married. Now, I'm looking for roommates. Still undecided about where I'll live or who it will be with. Part of me is bummed. Ideally, I would like to live alone. I'm an only child. It's what I know. Then again, another part of me is geekily thrilled at the prospect of never being alone. Few have seen my living habits. I pretty much even hid them from past boyfriends. I sleep in curlers a lot. Not sexy. When I first get home, I nearly break my neck trying to get into sweatpants as fast as I can. It's all about sweats and freeballin'. Can't be swinging around the cantaloupes with mixed company. I sleep with the TV on. That may be problematic. Plus, I think I'm slightly deaf from seeing Jesus Lizard live too many times without earplugs. Imagine curlers, sweats, Gary Oldman glasses and a loud TV. Can anyone put up with this? Shit, is this why I'm single? Goddamn, is this a revelation? No. Are people that shallow? Shit, yes they are. Maybe I'm onto something. However, that's a problem for another time. I need to be prepared to co-exist with others. My co-workers will tell you I'm horrible with other people's food. Note to self, don't eat other people's food. Ok. I wash my hair in the sink. Apparently, no one does this. They'll think I'm a weird, country girl. I'll give WV a weird image. Oh, who gives a shit? I think the jacked-up trucks with fake balls hanging off the licence plates do that. Do I do anything else abnormal? This is like George Clooney asking if he's good-looking today. OF COURSE! I can't be hanging tough in the bathtub like I always do, listening to podcasts. I can't be strumming the ukulele and singing to Arcade Fire. Essentially, I will just have to curb my weirdness a bit. Or reign it in like a wild horse, depending on who you ask. Regardless, I'm ready for this. I'm so pumped about living in Pittsburgh again. Anytime I want to see a good movie, I can. Anytime I want to check out a comedy show, I can drive a short distance instead of an hour. I can go on dates without some ridiculous pre-planning. Also, according to my own statistics, three out of five men in Pittsburgh are good-looking. In Wheeling, it's like one in 500. It's rough. Most men here look like Randy Quaid. That's not what I want in a man. I can get coffee or Indian food. I can go to the museum or the zoo. The possibilities for fun are endless. Now, I'm not saying life will be perfect. But, after this past year, I deserve some happiness. It's finally arrived.

Friday, November 23, 2012


  This year, I thought I would be generous and cook Thanksgiving dinner for my mom. We have this tumultuous relationship. Generally, she does something bad or batshit crazy and I don't speak to her for awhile. This tends to involve alcohol, which makes her a nasty person. I remember when I lived in Columbus, I would answer the phone and just hear "You fucking bitch! I hate you!" as soon as I picked up the phone. Must be mom, I'd think. In the past few years, she's really curbed her drinking. This is all due to Viggo. I told her she can't see him if she's drinking. She honestly loves him very much and quit for him. As a reward for her good behavior, I offered to cook dinner for the three of us.   You know, Thanksgiving dinner that I haven't cooked in over ten years. I've been graciously invited to many friend's family's dinners and have been spared having to cook. One year, I did make the best dinner ever. However, my only witness is Bob. That damn turkey was succulent.
  I wish I could say this dinner was a repeat performance. Not the case. First off, I forgot to buy a freaking pie pan. Exhausted after working nine hours, I didn't go back out. Fuck it, I'll use whatever. I ended up using a baking pan. That involved making two pie crusts to cover it. The turkey came out just right. Noodles weren't bad. The mashed potatoes were horrendous. I made them from scratch and added way too much milk and not enough salt. As we're eating, I notice my mom is picking at her food and Viggo just gave up halfway and demanded a sandwich. I, however, had three plates full. I guess those two get regular, home-cooked meals. Viggo also busted my balls for forgetting Cool Whip for the pie. My mom declared it was all delicious, but I know when she's lying. "A" for effort there, Mom. I'll take sober lying over drunken belittlement any day. Viggo eventually ate more of his dinner. My thick crust and lack of whipped cream was a deal breaker for dessert, though. I sent Mom home with some plates of food. I'll eat the rest, no complaints. It beats Ramen noodles. After work tonight, I came home and stuffed my face full of bland potatoes and turkey with noodles. This apartment is like a rural, Mexican village- food doesn't go to waste. 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Get a grip, you're not Jeanne Dixon

  I was rudely awakened the other morning, very early, by a text from my friend. I had spent a fun night with M. and was trying to sleep in, snuggled next to him. Plus, I had three martinis the night before and had a bit of a hangover. Sleep? No, not for me. I have to wake up to insanity. My friend had a dream that I was cheating with her boyfriend. I don't even know where to begin with this. Oh, I know, I find her boyfriend repulsive. Also, I'm not an asshole who would cheat on her friend with her boyfriend. Or the fact that I was with someone else at the time. Or the fact that she's not psychic. I think every single woman has done this- had a dream and has woken up mad at the people in the dream. It's insane, but we've all done it. I understand that. You're unjustly mad for a few minutes and then you come back to reality. You don't text the people in the dream and ask them if it's true. I found it insulting on so many levels. I personally hate her boyfriend. He's annoying and not the least bit attractive to me. Having been cheated on, I would never do that to someone. And, for the love of Pete, I was trying to enjoy some time with a HANDSOME man of my own. Jesus. How do men put up with the insane thoughts of women? Thinking a dream is true? That's batshit. I had a dream Kenny Rogers died the night before, you don't see me writing a eulogy for him. Dreams are your subconscious working things out. Perhaps, you have issues. Analyze your dreams, don't start accusing the people in the dream of doing whatever it is from the dream. Jesus, this isn't Gossip Girl or Melrose Place. Many women I know love drama, too. It fuels their days. Can you leave me out of it? There are a lot of women who don't love drama and we sadly are surrounded by those who do. Put your drama in a sack and let me sleep in. Explaining this insane scenario to a level-headed man was even crazier. I felt embarrassed being involved in this stupidity. He found it amusing. My throbbing head, did not. I guess my integrity accounts for nothing. Yes, you are the next Sylvia Browne and you're completely right. I understand that she's had a friend cheat on her with a boyfriend. You can't apply this to all your friends. The goofiest part was I felt I had to prove and justify that I didn't do it. Sadly, I'm still sore about it. Maybe because I'm on my period. If you piss me off now, I may want your head on a platter. That's my womanly insanity. I don't think I'm Jeanne Dixon, however, predicting events of the future. I'm firmly grounded in reality and know my dreams aren't true. Ladies, the next time you have a rattling dream, please take some time and break down the feasibility of it before you pick up that phone. For the sake of the men in your life, your sane female friends and the better of humanity. 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Fear of the mundane

  I'm always psychoanalyzing myself, trying to figure out what can make me better or what might be wrong with me. In the past five years, my world has changed so much. I've been in and out of various relationships and learned to live several different existences. At the back of my mind, I think I'm desperately afraid of a mundane life. When things get like that, it tends to get stagnant and possibly fall apart. Maybe that comes from the demise of my marriage. It was a very normal life. Everyday was kind of the same. I was very happy, though. Maybe as a Cancer, I loved the security of it. At the same time, I feel it can destroy a marriage. Where one is comforted another might be bored. Now, I'm terrified of that thought. In my last relationship, we were together for a year and I feel I kept it fun and interesting. We never had a chance to enter into any kind of normalcy. After a year, you start to approach some habits and maybe that fear set in hard for him. Personally, I love being in a relationship. I loved being married. I like meshing together into one entity. Your identity is part of someone else's. It might be due to being an only child. We crave other people a lot. That's part of why I loved being pregnant. I was never alone. After being subjected to being alone, now I fear becoming that entity and enduring normalcy. At the root of it, I fear being deserted. In my mind, that's when I get left. I've always had issues with being deserted. My parents were very young when they married and I was born. The marriage ended disastrously. Luckily, my dad remarried and had a wonderful family. But, I never got to see him. My mom, I saw a lot, but she emotionally and physically left me all the time. She'd go off with men unexpectedly and leave me. I had my grandparents, who had considered adopting me for fear of her never returning. But, she always did. They felt it best that I stay with them because of her not being dependable. They did a hell of a job. Best surrogate parents one could ask for. But, I always had the knowledge and the feeling of being deserted and left. That feeling never leaves you despite the security of having a solid, family foundation. I think that feeling molded me into an insecure, fearful person. I'm always afraid of losing people. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I have. Through death, I've lost the people I cherished the most- my grandparents. Then, I lost the people I loved passionately. I'm sure this attitude of insecurity that I carry like a ball and chain has a huge effect on my relationships. I'm desperately afraid to ever enter into a relationship again for a variety of reasons. Being left, it becoming boring, him finding life with me boring, etc. Hence, the self-analysis. How do I fix this? In my world, you stay emotionally detached and create an air of confidence. There's this hard candy shell that I'm not sure will crack.  I've had three dates with the same man and I'm terrified. Some part of my mind tells me to run away. "He'll get bored of you. They always do." I hear this at the back of my mind. Eventually, he'll crave something new and different and then I'll be starting over again. Or I could stay alone and safe, protecting myself. It's amazing how much emotional damage we do to each other. We've all inflicted some and all endured some. No one is safe. Some get dealt more than others. We have to navigate our own lives and it's like we're without a map.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Yeah, he's cheating on you.

  I've decided that my pain could be useful to other people. I learned a lot from being cheated on. I should pass on this knowledge. Statistically, I have no idea how many people get cheated on, but I'm sure it's a hell of a lot. Many people have suffered through it. I have twice. But, never again. I know the signs and I'm passing them along. I'm aiming this at girls. Not that it doesn't take two to tango, I just feel men can't keep it in their pants more. Plus, I only know from a woman's point of view. If you want an account from both points of view, I guess consult Rupaul or Chasity Bono.
  Girls, his phone is your best consultant. It's like the ark of the covenant. Open it and awful things come out. Your face may melt off. Like I said, I've been cheated on twice and each time I busted them via their phone. I don't know if it's arrogance or desire to be caught that makes them keep the evidence on their phone. But, it's there. Check those texts. If he keeps his phone locked, then I'd say you're being cheated on. It's just a fact. If there's nothing to hide, then it's an open book. Now, I never, ever looked at a guy's phone until I had suspicions. I'm not a nib-nose. Everyone should have an expectation of privacy in a relationship. UNLESS YOU'RE CHEATING! If that's the case, fuck you, I hope you get some kind of eye herpes. I didn't want to snoop into these phones. Who wants to find that kind of shit? But, here's the second piece of advice- if you have a feeling they're cheating, then, they are. I NEVER thought the guys I spent time with would've done this. NEVER. Patrick had been cheated on by a previous girlfriend, plus he knew my past. I just never would've suspected him. But, I had this gnawing feeling each time. It's like a sixth sense. Haley Joel Osment saw dead people. I knew my guy was double dipping. You talk yourself out of believing it. Time passes. But, everyday that feeling and suspicion is there. Honestly, when you find the evidence it feels exactly the same as finding out someone you know died. There's an awful feeling in your stomach.
  Once they're busted, they lie like crazy. Rarely does a guy have the balls to admit what he's done. Luckily, the first time, he had the balls to be straight up and admit it. But, good old Patrick was very weaselly about it. I basically had to pry it out of him and it took weeks. I tried to kick his ass to the curb the night I found out, but he cried and begged me to not break up with him. Here's my third piece of advice- BREAK UP WITH HIM. Don't believe him for a second. Frankly, you deserve better. You're hurt and too willing to want it to go away and believe those lies. Have some self respect and end it.
  I don't know how this will affect my future relationships. So far, I haven't had one. That speaks volumes right there. My next piece of advice is to adopt Fox Mulder's motto of "Trust no one". I really never thought these guys would've done this to me. I thought they were good guys. And, honestly, one of them is a good guy. He just really messed up and handled things in a very wrong way. As for the other one, total weasel. He knew what he was doing every step of the way. Maybe he's messed up and in therapy. He should be. Who cheats on a woman when she thinks she has breast cancer? Man, you're low-down and disgusting if you do. It's jerk company, too. You're peer is John Edwards. Disgusting. Revolting. A woman is never more vulnerable than when she is afraid she may have cancer and potentially lose a breast or her life. If you're sticking your penis somewhere else when this is going on, you should be repeatedly punched in the balls. I mean, you could also spend your time kicking puppies. On a karmic scale, it's probably equal.
  My last piece of advice is to remember that it's not your fault. You blame yourself. I'm not attractive enough or I was a bad girlfriend/wife. I wasn't good in bed. In retrospect, I realize that some people are just fucked up in the head regarding relationships and their self-esteem. Maybe they never saw their parents in a good relationship. A lot of it stems from that. If a relationship doesn't have bumps and is smooth sailing, then, it's uncomfortable and boring to them. I saw good and bad in my childhood. My grandparents were together until they died. I routinely saw them hug and kiss. They rarely fought. I always remember when we rode in the car, seeing my grandpap reach over and hold my grandma's hand. That was true love. Then, there was my mother. She fought all the time with her boyfriends. She instigated every fight. She was a total asshole. I witnessed five billion screaming fights. I basically learned what not to do in a relationship from her. But, alas, many men must see that same thing in their childhood and then subconsciously crave it in their adult relationships. It's super-deep psychology. Sometimes, they're just bored and crave something different. I'm not entirely sure that men are supposed to be monogamous. I think most women are like penguins, mating for life. Some men are, too. Listen to Patrice O'Neal's stand up comedy about men cheating. It's totally hilarious and true. There's a part about how women wouldn't cheat even if it was Denzel Washington. Men see a girl laying on a pile of garbage and are attracted enough to cheat. Men and women's brains are just hardwired differently. I'm not saying there aren't exceptions. Stuff your comments about exceptions in a sack. We're talking generalizations here. I would love to be a guy for a day. Maybe I'd try to surpass Gene Simmons' or Wilt Chamberlain's bed records in one day. If guys were in women's bodies for a day, they'd never leave the house. They'd stay holed up feeling their boobs the whole time. But, I digress. Girls, just listen to your gut, check that phone if you suspect them and trust them as far as you can throw them.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

What is this weird rumbling? Feelings? NOOOO!

  After a heinous breakup, you learn to distance yourself from feelings. Getting hurt down to the fiber of your being is too tremendously painful to experience again. Thankfully, I've really learned to turn off my feelings towards men. I've been on quite a few dates in the past year, not getting attached to any of them. They come and go like seasons or passing fancies. My apartment has become my favorite hangout. It's a well-protected cocoon of safety.
  I've had a couple of dates with one guy, M. We have these amazing conversations about everything from philosophy to movies. He's incredibly intelligent. Granted, I've only ever dated very intelligent men. I crave great conversation. We sit and talk and then even more amazing things happen. Lately, I've found myself thinking about him a lot. Oh, no, inner me is nervous. Why is this happening? I considered not seeing him again. What if this rumbling gets stronger? Shit. I can't have this. This is weakness. Hitmen never care about their victims feelings. Then, he told me he thinks about me a lot. What? Honestly, I've put the thought of men actually having feelings out of my head, like it's an urban legend. A man caring about a woman is right up there with ghosts and guys running around with hooks for hands killing virgins. I'm used to guys telling me what they think about me on a physical level and it never gets any deeper. To a large extent, I've kept it that way. I might have thought at times that I wanted more, but I kept it at bay. Self preservation is a wondrous thing. So, why all of  a sudden  is this seeping into my thoughts? I'm nervous. But, giddy. I've reread his texts over and over. He says things that make my knees buckle. He said he thinks of me often and wants to see me more. He's said very romantic things that made me melt inside. This is dangerous territory. I could easily fall for him. I don't know what to do. I really can't have that.  The last one I fell for utterly destroyed me. I heard lyrics from Mumford & Sons today that perfectly explained how I'm feeling.
And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"