Sunday, November 11, 2012

Fear of the mundane

  I'm always psychoanalyzing myself, trying to figure out what can make me better or what might be wrong with me. In the past five years, my world has changed so much. I've been in and out of various relationships and learned to live several different existences. At the back of my mind, I think I'm desperately afraid of a mundane life. When things get like that, it tends to get stagnant and possibly fall apart. Maybe that comes from the demise of my marriage. It was a very normal life. Everyday was kind of the same. I was very happy, though. Maybe as a Cancer, I loved the security of it. At the same time, I feel it can destroy a marriage. Where one is comforted another might be bored. Now, I'm terrified of that thought. In my last relationship, we were together for a year and I feel I kept it fun and interesting. We never had a chance to enter into any kind of normalcy. After a year, you start to approach some habits and maybe that fear set in hard for him. Personally, I love being in a relationship. I loved being married. I like meshing together into one entity. Your identity is part of someone else's. It might be due to being an only child. We crave other people a lot. That's part of why I loved being pregnant. I was never alone. After being subjected to being alone, now I fear becoming that entity and enduring normalcy. At the root of it, I fear being deserted. In my mind, that's when I get left. I've always had issues with being deserted. My parents were very young when they married and I was born. The marriage ended disastrously. Luckily, my dad remarried and had a wonderful family. But, I never got to see him. My mom, I saw a lot, but she emotionally and physically left me all the time. She'd go off with men unexpectedly and leave me. I had my grandparents, who had considered adopting me for fear of her never returning. But, she always did. They felt it best that I stay with them because of her not being dependable. They did a hell of a job. Best surrogate parents one could ask for. But, I always had the knowledge and the feeling of being deserted and left. That feeling never leaves you despite the security of having a solid, family foundation. I think that feeling molded me into an insecure, fearful person. I'm always afraid of losing people. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I have. Through death, I've lost the people I cherished the most- my grandparents. Then, I lost the people I loved passionately. I'm sure this attitude of insecurity that I carry like a ball and chain has a huge effect on my relationships. I'm desperately afraid to ever enter into a relationship again for a variety of reasons. Being left, it becoming boring, him finding life with me boring, etc. Hence, the self-analysis. How do I fix this? In my world, you stay emotionally detached and create an air of confidence. There's this hard candy shell that I'm not sure will crack.  I've had three dates with the same man and I'm terrified. Some part of my mind tells me to run away. "He'll get bored of you. They always do." I hear this at the back of my mind. Eventually, he'll crave something new and different and then I'll be starting over again. Or I could stay alone and safe, protecting myself. It's amazing how much emotional damage we do to each other. We've all inflicted some and all endured some. No one is safe. Some get dealt more than others. We have to navigate our own lives and it's like we're without a map.