Thursday, April 25, 2013

Am I the Mila Kunis of OKCupid?

  I've noticed on the dating sight, a couple of guys repeatedly visit my profile several times a day. I think, odd, it doesn't change. Why are they..... Wait, are the doing something to my pictures? I mean, it's possible. Guys will jerk off to anything. I bet even Mrs. Butterworth has fueled a few minutes of ecstasy. These boys are young, around 26. They probably have Mrs. Robinson fantasies going on. I take that back-Stifler's mother from American Pie fantasies. No way that generation knows The Graduate.
  It's just odd because I've never inspired that in a man, that I know of. They're normally fantasizing about other women while with me. Or, doing other women. Guys thinking of me while they jerk is hilarious. Those must be some good, deceiving pics because in real life, it's a shit show. Take yesterday, for example. I was counting money at work, picked up a stack of ones and proceeded to drop them, fan style like I was a geisha. Dollar bills went everywhere. While moving the other day, I got my bookcase down my five flights of Downton Abbey servants quarters only to have it crumple like a cracker when putting it into my car. My normal roommate witnessed the whole thing. Even me screaming "really?!" at it. So, yeah, not fantasy material.
  I was once told, as an insult, that I was a "wanna be bombshell". Uh, duh. Who doesn't want to be one? Maybe I go a bit further than most gals. I do own pasties (made by Go-Go Amy).  I like who I am. No, I'm not a "bombshell" as much as I try. I don't have a great body. It's all smoke and mirrors, or I should say, Spanx and a great Victoria's Secret bra. You get to this age and it is what it is. Better get comfortable and accept who you've become. The other day, I read an article with actor Idris Elba. He said sometimes he hates looking in the mirror. If that beautiful man feels that way, then, I'm in great company. We all cringe in the morning at our reflection. But, when someone looks at you and truly tells you that you're beautiful, it's a beautiful thing in itself. Maybe we should all tell ourselves that in the mirror. There, I ended that all heart-warming like a Farrelly brothers movie.

Friday, April 19, 2013

April can suck a dick

  This month has sucked. Not just for me, either. I know quite a few people who've had an awful month. Mine has been more discombobulating than anything else. Some things were annoying- I had to take my computer to Geeksquad three times in one week. Some were stressful, like finding out I had three weeks to find a new home. Others were straight up suck like arguing with my mom and getting a flat tire. There were the Boston bombings on the anniversary of Lincoln's shooting and right around the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Wasn't Columbine this month, too? My troubles are nothing compared to some people's. But, it's all relative. We all have troubles. My ex broke up with his longtime girlfriend. That's worse than a flat tire. Regardless, I still cried about it. The tire, not the break up. Although, I feel really bad for him. It's sad. Despite how they met and how it affected my marriage, I got over it and was very happy for both of them. I thought they would get married. It sucks being single and I don't wish it on him at all. He's a great guy and the best dad out there. It somehow led to a massive argument with my mother. She insisted Viggo is going to be "screwed up" because we split up and now he's seen our subsequent failed relationships. What a dick. That would be like Hitler telling Tom Selleck he has a weird mustache. Coming from one of the worst mother's out there, I should have taken it with a grain of salt. I mean, I turned out ok with her as a mother. She proceeded to tell me it wouldn't matter because "she wouldn't be around when he was older". Which I take to mean her death. When I was little, it was "I'm going to go to California and be a go-go dancer." Now, it's she's not going to be around. I'll tell her what I told her when I was seven- "Well, go ahead and do it." Asshole. What kind of a jerk says these things to her child? Viggo has two parents who love him and put him first. He's smart and well cared for. He's fine. Only when I threatened to leave with him, did she cool her shit. I hope it brought back memories of family taking me from her when she pulled this shit earlier in life. She's always the martyr. No one has it as bad as her. I told her to get her head out of her ass and start thinking about someone else first, instead of herself. I said he needs positive support in his life, not Debbie Downer, go-go dancer.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Beginners will mess your shit up

  I watched the movie Beginners the other night and it fucked my shit up. I sat and cried an hour after watching it. It struck so many chords with me that I don't even know where to begin. Ewan McGregor plays a man named Oliver who is recently dealing with the loss of his father. His parents were married until his mother died. His father, played by Christopher Plummer, decides to come out and begin his life again. It runs back in forth through time- the current situation of Oliver taking care of his father's dog, dealing with his death and falling in love again despite his relationships never working out.
  There were so many things that I identified with- starting a dating life after your prime, not ever having relationships work, being in a relationship and not being happy. I think the most heart-breaking scene for me was of Oliver as a child seeing his mother walk around the house depressed. She's in a loveless marriage and an engaging mother that tries to hide it. But, as explained by Melanie Laurent's character, Anna, your face show a normal expression, but others can read your true emotions. It made me think of Viggo. I think of how many times he saw me crying or depressed over the past few years. I always tried to hide it, but it always surfaced. Eventually, he became rather nonchalant about my tears. "Are you crying again, Mom?". It's rough to have your child see you so vulnerable. You're their protector. I cried a lot when I split with his dad and cried even more when I split with Patrick. At times, I considered suicide. Viggo was the only thing that kept me going. To visually see how that looks in a movie killed me.
  I, of course, identified with Oliver's father starting over late in life. Granted, he's much older than me, but I still know what it's like. Dating isn't an easy world to re-enter. He finds love only to find that it's not exclusive. (Very reminiscent of me and NBF and him wanting an "open" relationship).
  Meanwhile, in the present, Oliver falls in love with Anna. She's an actress who never stays in one place due to work. He's a guy who always leaves his relationships. They're trying to make something out of what they have. Oliver's personality reminded me of myself- caring, kind of nerdy, wanting to give his heart but so afraid. The things we've done to ourselves and the things others have done change us and screw us up. If you touch a hot stove, you learn to never do it again. Instinctively, we do the same with relationships. Once bitten, twice shy, right? If you've been emotionally mauled like you're Grizzly Man, then, it's not so easy to let go of shit. You go into these emotionally, self-imposed exiles, keeping your heart safe. Oliver and Anna are used to being alone. There's serious trepidation about being together. It's easier to walk away sometimes.
  I can't express how much I loved this movie. Mike Mills did a stupendous job. You'll laugh and cry and think about a lot of things.