I have survivor's guilt. At least, that's what I've named it. It may be an actual term, I don't know. After Bob's death, I can't sleep or eat much. In my mind, I feel guilty for it being him to go. Out of the two of us, it should have been me. Even though we had been separated for years, we were still a team. A team for Viggo. So, out of the two of us, it most definitely should have been me. Viggo idolized his dad. He was his whole life. He could have gotten over the loss of me so much easier. I just don't understand why it had to be Bob. He touched so many lives and so many people loved him. It's so wrong that he was taken. I'm left to do this job alone. The one we were doing together. I feel such guilt and anger for being the one who gets to live. He was so better equipped for this. He was the best father to that boy. How do I do this alone? When he needs a man in his life, who will be there? I can't be what Bob was to him. I can't even come close. I feel inadequate and unprepared. In the beginning of Viggo's life, I never imagined that we would even be separated. Now, he's gone from the earth. We've all lost him forever. It should have been the two of us, figuring out the tough situations. What do we do if he comes home drunk or on drugs? Who gives him "the talk"? What do we tell him about love? Bob was supposed to teach him drums and guitar, how to fish, how to play football. What can I teach him? He already knows how to read? I don't do anything special. I just feel like a failure before I have even begun.
I don't know how to deal with my grief. I feel guilty about that, also. Everyone else lost more by losing Bob. Viggo lost his dad. Bob's mom lost her only son. His sisters lost their dear brother. His girlfriend lost the man she loved. I lost a man I had already lost six years previous. Why should I have grief? I don't know, but I have a tremendous amount of it. I'm sure there's a niche out there of women separated from their husbands who are now widows. I need to find this group. No one else feels my exact pain and I feel bad for even feeling it. Everyone else lost so much more. I feel lost.