Friday, April 18, 2014


  Bob, it's day five, as Viggo would say. That's how he refers to the days you've been gone. I have so many things I want to say to you. I can't believe you're gone. Sunday, you were fine. You looked handsome and healthy as ever.  
  How do I take care of this boy? He's devastated. He keeps asking "Why did he have to leave, I'm only nine?" What do I say to that? Why did you leave? Why? Out of the two of us, it should've been me, dammit. He worships you. You were so close. You were the best father. The best. The only comraderie I've ever seen like that was with Bill and Billy. He says you made him laugh all the time. He asks "Who is going to make me laugh now?" Bob, what do I do? How can I possibly comfort him? And, your family is the same. Missy and Cheri have been the strongest. They are the ones making sure all the plans get made. Dawn is making a cd for you of all the songs you loved. You don't want to see Nikki cry. It's the worst. She lost her big brother and she's lost without you. Your mom is strong but breaks down and it's so hard to see. Why should a mother lose her son? Everyone goes to Cheri's. There's lots of stories about you and laughter. It's weird to see Ed and Matt and not see you. Jason came and you're not there to see him. Everyone is so lost. I feel like I've lost you twice. I put it aside, though. I made you a promise at the hospital. You were laying on this table not looking like yourself at all. I touched your hair and whispered that I promise to take care of Viggo. I will. Somehow. He wants to finish reading your Lone Survivor book. He kept asking about your car. I found out its because he wants to drive it when he's older. He understands but he doesn't, you know. I don't think any of us understand this bullshit. You were 41. You didn't even make it to your birthday. 
  People want to pray with me. I want to scream in their faces. How can there be a God? Why would anything let this happen?  
  I told V that everyday will be rough for awhile. That only time will ease the pain at all. You were his everything. 

Monday, April 7, 2014

Michael Fassbender, you trouble maker

  In my last blog, I was irritated with my boyfriend for remarking that some girls on the trolley looked good. He was trying to express to me that although girls may look good, he hates to hear their conversations and is glad he has me. All I heard was "girls look good" and wigged out. I should've been flattered that he enjoys talking with me because I feel most people tune me out. Instead, I said something about Michael Fassbender being hot. It has now turned into a debate. I think it's a joking one, but we're texting, so I can only imagine it's the case. He told me Fassbender wasn't that great and only rated .75 Hugh Jackmans. He then asked "How many Hugh Jackman units do you think he is?" I told him Jackman doesn't even compare. So, he moved onto Tom Hardy. Same answer. Then, Ryan Gosling. After receiving the same answer as Jackman and Hardy, all he said was "This conversation is over." Fassbender has come out on top. But, my bf is just as jealous as I am and I may be stuck kissing my GQ covers rather than a sexy Russian. 

Saturday, April 5, 2014

I want to move to a desert island

  I don't know if it's the long winter, going off of Prozac or what, but I've had it with everyone. Today, my mother brought me to tears in Wal-Mart. I spend at least an hour to two hours every week taking her to shop for her groceries so she doesn't have to take the senior bus. At some point, we always split up in the store. Then, I usually spend a minimum of twenty minutes trying to find her. This week, I felt sick. Even after sitting on a bench and looking down the aisle, she hadn't reappeared and I wasn't feeling well at all. Eventually, we found her only to get accused of rolling my eyes and being impatient with her. I tried explaining that I felt sick only to have her wig out more. Then, I cried. To the point where a random stranger asked if I was alright. Can I just get a break somewhere in life? She apologized but the damage was done. Once I start crying it's like the first pee on a night of drinking. The well has sprung. Viggo tried to comfort me by saying this non-sequitur "Mom, even when I'm not with you, I'm always here" pointing to his heart. That, of course, made me cry harder. The wellspring of emotions was tapped again by an commercial. 
  Later that night while texting with my boyfriend, he tried to express how he likes me in the worst way possible. He's telling me about girls on the trolley car with him. He tells me they "look good" but he hates what's coming out of their mouths. That, if he hadn't met me, he would stay in his single universe. Ok, I get the sentiment, but, fuck, can you not tell me in a way that says other girls look good?! I never want to hear that. Ever. Guys always think it's alright to express opinions about other girls. I'm only now slightly accepting of Jennifer Lawrence because one ex went so verbally wild when he saw her at the Oscars. I'm what you might call "insanely jealous". Emphasis on the insane part. That emphasis most likely came after bad relationships & cheating. He tried to make things better after his comment about the girls on the trolley by saying there are obviously good looking people in the world but, he would never cheat and blah, blah, blah, I quit listening. At this point, I'm hoping a rogue asteroid hits me directly on the spot. I was so sick of everyone and their reactions towards me. I know he meant well, but the way he said it made me feel like the guy who gets kicked into the pit in 300 after King Leonidas yells "This is Sparta!" 
  I know I'm being sensitive. Like I said, I've been down. This winter has bankrupted me emotionally and $96 gas bills have spent me financially. Yes, I have my health, I know. But, I've gained 10 pounds and my clothes fit me like I'm a human sausage. I need a day of sunlight and no human contact. No humans telling me I'm not working hard enough, not patient enough or that there are attractive people in the world. Shit, even if I have to be lied to, I'd like to be told I'm appreciated and the only attractive person in someone's eyes. I like to imagine Michael Fassbender saying these words after tonight because I'm angry. Also, because he's really hot. You know, there are attractive people in this world, so I've been told. I'll cool down at some point. Granted, being part Irish, this point may be long after I'm dead. I'll just go to bed feeling fatter than usual, unappreciated and unattractive. It's all good.