Saturday, April 5, 2014

I want to move to a desert island

  I don't know if it's the long winter, going off of Prozac or what, but I've had it with everyone. Today, my mother brought me to tears in Wal-Mart. I spend at least an hour to two hours every week taking her to shop for her groceries so she doesn't have to take the senior bus. At some point, we always split up in the store. Then, I usually spend a minimum of twenty minutes trying to find her. This week, I felt sick. Even after sitting on a bench and looking down the aisle, she hadn't reappeared and I wasn't feeling well at all. Eventually, we found her only to get accused of rolling my eyes and being impatient with her. I tried explaining that I felt sick only to have her wig out more. Then, I cried. To the point where a random stranger asked if I was alright. Can I just get a break somewhere in life? She apologized but the damage was done. Once I start crying it's like the first pee on a night of drinking. The well has sprung. Viggo tried to comfort me by saying this non-sequitur "Mom, even when I'm not with you, I'm always here" pointing to his heart. That, of course, made me cry harder. The wellspring of emotions was tapped again by an commercial. 
  Later that night while texting with my boyfriend, he tried to express how he likes me in the worst way possible. He's telling me about girls on the trolley car with him. He tells me they "look good" but he hates what's coming out of their mouths. That, if he hadn't met me, he would stay in his single universe. Ok, I get the sentiment, but, fuck, can you not tell me in a way that says other girls look good?! I never want to hear that. Ever. Guys always think it's alright to express opinions about other girls. I'm only now slightly accepting of Jennifer Lawrence because one ex went so verbally wild when he saw her at the Oscars. I'm what you might call "insanely jealous". Emphasis on the insane part. That emphasis most likely came after bad relationships & cheating. He tried to make things better after his comment about the girls on the trolley by saying there are obviously good looking people in the world but, he would never cheat and blah, blah, blah, I quit listening. At this point, I'm hoping a rogue asteroid hits me directly on the spot. I was so sick of everyone and their reactions towards me. I know he meant well, but the way he said it made me feel like the guy who gets kicked into the pit in 300 after King Leonidas yells "This is Sparta!" 
  I know I'm being sensitive. Like I said, I've been down. This winter has bankrupted me emotionally and $96 gas bills have spent me financially. Yes, I have my health, I know. But, I've gained 10 pounds and my clothes fit me like I'm a human sausage. I need a day of sunlight and no human contact. No humans telling me I'm not working hard enough, not patient enough or that there are attractive people in the world. Shit, even if I have to be lied to, I'd like to be told I'm appreciated and the only attractive person in someone's eyes. I like to imagine Michael Fassbender saying these words after tonight because I'm angry. Also, because he's really hot. You know, there are attractive people in this world, so I've been told. I'll cool down at some point. Granted, being part Irish, this point may be long after I'm dead. I'll just go to bed feeling fatter than usual, unappreciated and unattractive. It's all good.