Wednesday, February 19, 2014

If you're obsessive-compulsive, don't read this (or read it over and over).

  When I started dating a Russian, I had no idea they'd be so superstitious. The problem with me is that I'm already obsessive-compulsive. Meaning, I've got my own weird superstitions. If you don't have this problem, then, you're fortunate. Imagine feeling like you have to do something a certain amount of times in a row just so you don't have bad luck. That's what it's like. It's something I moderately control, so it doesn't interfere with my life so much. However, now, thanks to my boyfriend, I now have new superstitions to follow.
  There's one similar to our "knock on wood" superstition, except you lightly spit over your shoulder three times instead of knocking. If you are talking about a physical injury that happened to someone and you show it on yourself, you have to grab the imaginary injury and blow it away from your hand. I was talking about my roommate's cat having a tumor in it's throat and I touched my own throat while describing it. My boyfriend interrupts me very seriously "No, babe, don't do that. Now you have to do this." He touches his throat, and blows this imaginary ailment from his hand like it was an eyelash. I was like, what the fuck is going on? I guess you do this to keep this injury from happening to you, too. He proceeded to tell me all the Russian superstitions he could think of in one night. Mentally, I took notes but they were hard to remember. There was something about meeting a woman carrying a bucket, but I let that one slip. Honestly, how many times could that occur in life? I was once again talking about the cat's tumor to a co-worker. I accidentally touched my throat as I was describing it and freaked. Confused about what to do, I blew from my hand AND spit over my shoulder three times. I must have looked like I was having an epileptic seizure. Dammit, I didn't want to have bad luck. When I told my boyfriend about the confusion, he just laughed and shook his head. "Babe, you just grab it and blow with your hand. You don't spit. That's for when you want something to happen." Silly me.
  I started taking these Russian superstitions so seriously. Apparently, you can't whistle inside or you'll become poor. Is that what's been going wrong all these years? I love to whistle, but screw that. It's humming from here on out. One night while we were eating, I dropped my fork. "Oh, a man is coming to see you", he said. "Or, maybe it's a woman. I forget." Which is it? He told me he'd research it. Exactly where does one find out this information? Does he skype with a grandmother in the motherland? You can't just lightly throw this information out to someone like me. It's gospel from this point on. If me dropping a fork means a man is coming to see me, then a man is coming to see me. These new rules are cemented in my brain. I just hope I never come across a woman carrying an empty bucket or I'm screwed.