Friday, August 14, 2015

Porky's 5

  I've been going to the gym more frequently. Something has to give here. I'm also eating a lot better. So far, I've lost two pounds and I've noticed some gradual shaping up. In hopes of some good advice, I checked out Joe Man..., shit, I can never remember his last name. Alcide from True Blood's book. He's making a ton of mean workout faces in his pictures. The workout advice is actually very motivating. So motivating that I put his picture on my phone screen saver. My boyfriend said it's because he's hot. I said that's beside the point. I found the meanest face picture. It says to me "Get up and go work out, lazy!"
  I walked into the women's locker room yesterday and it was like I walked into an eighties teen movie. I could smell a cocktail of perfume, shampoo, and hairspray. Standing in front of the big mirrors was a young lady, clad only in underwear, her hair wrapped in a towel. I've never seen anything like this in the locker room. I've seen women in various states of undress, but never this teen movie-ish. I felt like I was in a scene from Porky's. I swear she was dancing, but that might have been my imagination. Her confidence was striking. She didn't give two shits who was there. I quickly washed my pale hands, her tanned body bopping in the background. It was a fascinating scene.
  Otherwise, my gym is pretty regular. There are a lot of older people. In fact, I remember seeing a little old lady on the treadmill, purse on her arm. It was adorable. The weirdest was a girl wearing jeans on the treadmill. It seemed counterproductive. I imagine she's thinking something like "They'll rip these jeans off my cold, dead body." She was committed to those jeans. I finally got real workout clothing. Before that, I wore what I think were pajama pants and an old man t-shirt. All black, of course, like a gothic refugee.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Betty White Time Travel Machine

  When I my marriage broke up, I started dating younger guys. It wasn't an intentional move. The guys my age were boring and unattractive, so I went younger. Normally, it's not an issue at all. That's most likely a testament to my immaturity. Only twice has it sincerely bummed me out. Both situations were very similar- I had my boyfriend at the time say "I wish I could go back in time and meet the 20 year old you." My current boyfriend spoke these words the other night. He's a total sweetheart but this bummed my shit out. I've now had two men say this to me. It baffles me. What the hell does it mean? Oh, used up, raggedy Erin, I wish I could meet the young, supple you. Do you think Betty White hears that same thing a lot? Oh, I bet you were a looker in your day, Betty. I mean, I feel like Keith Richards when guys say this to me. My current boyfriend did say the younger me wouldn't be as cool. This is so true. I told him she would roll her eyes at him. Then, I went to bed. It really bothered me. I know he didn't mean it as an insult, but how else could you take that? What, I'm supposed to be flattered that you'd rather meet a younger me? I can't imagine saying this to a someone. If time travel is invented, there going to be a couple of guys trying to bone a young Erin.