Friday, June 29, 2012

Mars Volta t-shirt is my rat fur hat

  Last night, I had a fantastic date. We went out to the South Side in Pittsburgh. Went to see a friend of his playing a show at midnight. Great band, can't remember their name. Before the band came on, we bar hopped and got some food. It was a fun night. He was very easy going. And, I'm always easy going. Good combination. We played darts and drank. Just a lot of fun. Maybe a LOT of fun. Wink, wink. I wore a dress on this date, so I didn't want to do a "walk of shame" the next morning. He was gracious enough to lend me a t-shirt, which he declared was his favorite. It was super-tiny. He insinuated that it might not fit & I got offended thinking he was implying I was pudgy. He admitted he was referring to it not fitting because he thought I had big boobs. Oops. I'll take that any day. I paired that tiny, Mars Volta t-shirt with a pair of huge jean shorts. I slept in that outfit and made sure I walked out wearing it. You may remember a very funny Seinfeld where George purposefully left a rat fur hat in a woman's apartment to ensure a second date. Yep, that Mars Volta t-shirt is my rat fur hat. Hey, I don't get men. I don't know what it takes for a second date. Probably not sleeping with them on the first. But, no use shutting the barn door after the horse is out, right. By barn door, I must mean vagina. I liked him. He looked like the bastard son of Robert Pattinson, Michael Pitt and Michael Shannon. He was very tall, mmmmm, I like tall. Plus, we got along so well in all areas. What's wrong with wanting a second date? Either way, it's a win-win for me. If he makes a second date, my fur hat trick worked. If not, I got a sweet t-shirt.  I always come away with something collectors items from my encounters with men. My best gain was a tiny video camera. Most of the time, I get some sweet shirts or shorts. I should seriously reconsider becoming a lesbian. Can you imagine the haul I might come away with? It might be glorious.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

What would Hemingway do?

  I had an interesting discussion with my friend, Mark, the other day. He was crashing here for a night while traveling. By the time he got to my house around 10pm, I was completely drunk. I had a horrendous day at work. In fact, I've been having horrendous days at work everyday. We've been without a manager and adjusting to a new one. I've been working like a fiend. By the time I come home, I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Everyday. To deal with it that night, I drank in a way that made my Irish ancestors proud. Well, I had three shots of cookie dough flavored vodka. It doesn't take much. Mark made an incredibly acute observation- I'm putting everything into this job and I should focus all that energy into my life and the things I want to do. He's so right. By the time I get home, I'm spent. I don't do anything that I love- I no longer paint, write, or do anything creative. It's ridiculous. Since I met Mark, well over a year ago, I've been talking about moving to Pittsburgh. Have I done it? Shit. I'm still here in Wheeling. Bullshit. I'm not happy. So, his suggestion to refocus that energy really hit home with me.
  Later on my birthday, I had a discussion with a friend about Hemingway. I said we should live life like Hemingway. Instead of what would Jesus do, what would Hemingway do. He ran with the bulls, he survived wars. He lived life with gusto. Granted, our lives are quite different. Hemingway didn't drag his ass home after a hard day in retail and I'm not banging broads after a hard day at a typewriter. Underneath it all, there's the desire to do what you want to do. He did. I need to follow his lead.

Friday, June 22, 2012


  I'm dreading my birthday on Monday. Getting older sucks. Plus, it'll be the first birthday that I won't get any presents. I know that Tyler Durden would be disappointed in my stating this, but it makes me sad. It just means that I don't have anyone close enough to me at the moment to care. You know, I don't have a man that thinks I'm awesome and wants to shower me with love. However, I do have an awesome Viggo Fleming who insists on spending the day with me. That warmed my heart. I don't know what I'd do without him.
  I think a lot about my last birthday, which was my best one. I was madly in love and got to see Joe Rogan live. You can't beat that. It was a great birthday. I got to spend it with a man I loved inside and out. We had a blast and it was a perfect day. Skip to birthday 2012. Sad face. I'm alone, freaking out about getting older, hating my life and just wanting the day to pass. I don't even have enough money to take myself out to dinner. Poor and alone. At least I've fooled myself into thinking my face yoga is working and that I'm looking younger. Basically, I'm a superficial asshole. Presents and looking younger. Who am I? Zsa Zsa Gabor? What an ass. But, I'm just being honest. I could say I'm concerned about world peace and the fate of humanity, but I'd be lying. We're all concerned about ourselves. It's all we know. Of course, I'm concerned about friends and loved ones. Hell, I'd suffer if it meant their health and happiness. When you get older, you just don't have the mental energy to be anything but honest.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I feel better because Jack White's heart has been broken, too

  I listened to a superb episode of Marc Maron's WTF podcast with guest Jack White yesterday. He writes very original, profound lyrics. Maron asked him if he'd ever had his heart broken. He answered that he had and that the pain of someone you love leaving you is a special kind of pain. The true blues.
It's true and I knew he wasn't bullshitting. Oddly, I felt better. I'm in a special group of blues with Jack White. How can a talented, handsome man like him be left by someone?! Luckily, I've gotten to a place where I can ask the same thing about myself. Well, minus the talented and handsome part. I guess the grass is always greener to someone. The saying is true- for every beautiful woman there is a man who is sick of her. It has nothing to do with your beauty or worth or how great you are as a person. It has more to do with what that other person is lacking in themselves to do that to you. Once you realize that, you can move on. I'm not bitter or angry like I was. The hurt has subsided. Jack White also said a very true and brilliant statement that it's that sense of urgency that does you in. When you feel that heartache, you want it to end immediately. You can wait for time to heal the wounds. You want it healed NOW. It takes such a long time. It changes you. I feel I'm a lot different than I was six months ago. But, I accept it and embrace it. I learned tremendously from it. I still have the Jim Carey feelings like in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Part of me wishes I'd never fallen in love, but another part would miss those memories. I really don't know if it's true that it's better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all. I think that's subjective. Once again referring to White, he has a line on his new album about people taking a part of you with them. It's true, you're never the same. You also carry them with you forever. You have your piece of them. I would like to think some men have fond memories and pieces of me. At times, I feel like a Picasso painting of my exes and a shadow of myself. It becomes more of a haunting, but one cannot give into the melancholy. I sweep the heartache under the rug and take away the ways they have all blessed me. I might call their new girlfriends "whores" but that's to be expected.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Keeping busy

  What do you do when you take a break from dating? If you're me, a whole lot of weird, random things. I spent almost one whole day wondering about whether Paul McCartney really did die in a 1966 car crash. I wonder throughout the day about "Faul" (fake Paul). Ask me about it. I'll go on and on and on and on.
  I spent a good bit of time researching just how many different Doctor Who actors there have been. They're currently on number eight. That was surprising. David Tennant is the best one. That's just a fact.
  I've taken up some exercising. Face yoga, kegels and my first week of jogging. Making all this shit tight. And, yes, I said face yoga. YouTube that shit. I found a 70 year old woman who looks like she's 40. Kegels are only sensible when you pee a little after a big sneeze. I was inspired by Becky Cantrell to start the couch to 5k. I keep hardcore flirting with the idea of starting a burlesque troupe. Can't do that with an out of shape body.
  I'm reading and watching movies like a fiend. I'm open to suggestions. Please, no girly shit, though. Keep that Nicolas Sparks shit next to your diary and Dirty Dancing dvd. I don't want anything to do with it. I thoroughly loved the movie W.E. and now I'm quite obsessed with Wallis Simpson. What a fucking love story. Edward VIII gave up the damn throne for this woman. That's dedication. It pays to be fashionable. You could snag a prince and inspire him to abdicate.
  Most of my time is focused on Viggo. How can it not be? He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He keeps me sane and sometimes he's the only thing to bring a smile to my face. Plus, he's highly entertaining. Half the shit that comes out of his mouth is pure gold.
  This all might be boring, but, I'll enjoy it for now. We all know I'm too guy crazy to make this retirement last long. I'm probably one week away from another bad date.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Taking a break

  After this past week, I've decided I need a dating break. At least, from bald guys with glasses. Things do seem to come in threes- first Ben, then Pepe LePew guy and now my newest dating debacle. All three had shaved heads and glasses. Two ended up being bi-polar. All were ready to settle down with me for life. Well, Ben split after three weeks and a bi-polar episode. Anyway, here's the most recent straw that broke Erin's dating back.
  I met Steve online. Really cool guy, handsome. We texted like crazy until our first date, last Sunday. I drove to his apartment in Pittsburgh. He made me dinner, we watched Mad Men and True Blood, we talked for hours. It was a perfect date. I felt so unbelievably comfortable with him. He was even a great kisser. It was very exciting. Then, the weirdness began. I woke up everyday to video messages from him. Sweet, but he kind of talked to me in the same voice he talked to his dog. I tried to push it under the rug and go about my business. I would log onto Facebook and he'd IM me. Aw, he really likes talking to me, I thought. He posted a picture of flowers when I had a bad day. Nice, right? But, then, the two kickers came. One, he posted a picture of us kissing on Facebook. He kind of took the photo on the sly. That's ok, whatever. But, posting it on Facebook. I was wearing my fucking Gary Oldman glasses to top it off. All of a sudden, I'm getting texts and messages from friends asking if I have a new boyfriend. Then, I log on and see this humongous picture of the two of us. WHAT THE SHIT?! Needless to say, I took it off my timeline. Then, the final shit happened to make me say, this has got to end. We were supposed to have a date this past Saturday. Midway through the week, he texts and says he can unexpectedly come for a visit. No, I say, not a good idea, I have V that night and I'm not keen on him meeting anyone I'm dating until we've really been dating awhile. He texts back wanting to know what time V will be asleep, saying he'll wait outside in the car. Then, he says he just wants to come in for five minutes to kiss me and he'll leave. Nope, not a good idea, I say. In my head, I'm like WTF?! Seriously. When you're suddenly not looking forward to your second date, it's time to end shit. I felt like a man with a clingy woman. I felt bad telling him how I felt, but I can't be anything but honest. He's a truly nice guy and deserved the truth, even if it hurt. I hate that I hurt him, but I can't do that shit. He's a super sweet guy. I really hope he finds someone. It just can't be me for a variety of reasons. Mainly that video message. Ugh, it makes me cringe when I watch it. It's so weird because of love being showered with affection. I guess I have a boiling point.
  So, hence the break. I can't find a happy medium. It's either guys just want sex or now, my soul. No one wants just a regular second date. Plus, I'm still not over Patrick. Six months going and I'm still not over him. Bullshit. I hate myself for it. But, I feel deep down that he was the one. I compare every man to him. Maybe I should stay alone.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I'm about as popular as leprosy

  I don't know what it is lately, but I can't get a break with dating. I've had a few dates and nothing is panning out. A few weeks ago, I met up with a guy from Israel. Very nice, handsome (like a bald Joseph Fiennes) and very complimentary. In fact, I don't think anyone has ever been so complimentary to me. I'm just not feeling any  sparks. And, he's a bit like a human Pepe Le Pew. We only had one date, and, yet he sends me very romantic texts. "Good morning, sexy Erin". "I wish to see you again". "I enjoyed every minute with you". All the things you want a man to say to you- if you're attracted to him. Plus, he doesn't drive. I hate driving someone around. It's just not going to work. I could maybe do a second date, I'm just afraid he'll show up with a rose clenched between his teeth.
  I had a really great date last week. A six foot four guy named Joe. I know, I've been there before, right? Anyway, he was handsome and we talked for hours. Unfortunately for him, I didn't want to do anything more than kiss. Apparently that was a turn off. Our communication dwindled to a minimum. Listen, I'm not a slut-whore. I don't want just sex. If i do, I'm sure I can get it closer to home. Shit, aren't there any guys who want a damn girlfriend? If so, where the shit are they?!
  I was going to have a date with a guy who is intelligent and not sex-crazed, but he cancelled due to work. He works in robotics. Seriously. I flipped my shit. That's amazing. Plus, I just read Robopocalypse. He might have be useful in the future. I was attracted to his intelligence and beard. Mmmm, beards. I really wanted to go on that damn date. Normally, I'm nonchalant about dates. Who gives a shit, it probably won't work out. But, I was excited about this one. Smart and looks like Ryan Gosling's long lost cousin. Dammit.