Tuesday, January 29, 2013


I can't decide whether I love or hate texting. It is an instantly gratifying thing to contact someone anywhere at anytime. It's even better to not have to actually speak with someone. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate talking on the phone. Texting is ideal. It's also great to say meaningless things like "Can you pick up some bread?" or "Did you ever notice what a big head so-and-so has?". These aren't things you need to dial up a conversation to have. The downfall of texting, at least to me, is people's response time. Women, generally, are very considerate & respond in a timely manner. Men, however, act as if they're in some time vortex where they receive your message at a vastly different time from when it was sent. I get extremely frustrated with almost every man that I text in any context. The exception being, Bob, the father of my child. He's always been a considerate man & responds immediately. My friend, Guy, also responds promptly. We have many discussions about how inconsiderate people are. Every other guy sucks it. Freaking M, would span days and sometimes weeks in between responding to me. I eventually decided I deserved better than that & haven't talked to him since. It's not unusual for a man to text out of the blue, too. Herps just texted me the other day wanting to hang out. What is that shit? Hi, I haven't seen you or talked to you in six months. Want to hang? And this is normal! This is accepted. Sometimes, I'll have deleted someone from my phone, it's been so long since I've heard from them. When they text, you don't know who they are. It's infuriating. I
Tonight, I'm experiencing the feeling of wanting to tell someone off. I texted earlier in the day; no response. Said something else & got a response hours later. The conversation seemed very one-sided. Granted, my views may be screwy due to hormones. I just got the impression that my messages were a hindrance to this person's night. However, I resisted the urge to tell them so. Really, I wanted to send off a mean text. Something really passive-aggressive like, "I feel like I'm bothering you, so I won't. Have a good night". How hard is it to just respond in a timely manner. Shit, just say you don't feel like talking or something. It makes me want to take people's phones and snap them like a Kit Kat bar. Didn't Russell Crowe hit someone with a phone once? Maybe they blew off his text. "Should I gain 50 pounds for this next role?" Next thing you know, someone has a phone upside their head. It's what I feel like doing. I did, however, receive an unsolicited, you are very beautiful text. Can't complain about that. I got another nice text from a friend/former co-worker. Texts aren't all bad. My favorite texts are from my friend, Amy. They're always very random, usually about a celebrity & accompanied by a link or picture. There's a lot of Jon Hamm, sans underwear pics that get swapped. That's when I love texting. As I sit seething and bleeding from my baby maker, I tell myself to stop reading into things. Guys are way different from girls and obviously have a completely different set of texting standards. I'm just going to stop sending out the friendly texts until I get one first. That should curb my anger to some degree. Or the text that I finally just got that said "I miss you". Yes, I'm a jackass that reads into things & overreacts.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Crazy train is up and running

  I was basically single for the past year. I had some very short-lived, kind of relationships, but not anything that lasted. I settled into my own weird routines. For the past two weeks, I've been hanging out exclusively with a guy. I really, really, really like him. I generally spend every night at his apartment. (He has a bed and it's really warm in his room. Plus, his snuggling capabilities are outstanding). I've realized that, at times, I miss this stupid, solitary existence that I've become accustomed to living. My Pittsburgh nights consisted of laying on this creaky bed, watching ghost shows on Huluplus. I haven't wanted him to see the real nighttime Erin, either. How do you introduce curlers, Frownies and Hello Kitty pajamas to a man that you want to keep around? He's seen me without makeup and that's about it. As we all know, I'm horribly insecure. My self-esteem is near negative. I completely forgot about the constant state of insecurity and worry that I experience when I start seeing someone. Now, it doesn't have to be any lengthy relationship. I'm a crazy woman. This shit starts from day one. The more the relationship progresses, the more I freak. "Does he like me?" "Is he thinking about me?". Blah. It's mentally exhausting. I've grown a lot and can put it all aside a lot more than in the past, but the nagging insecurities are still there. I try to keep it in check. It's screwed up all of my past relationships. My three week, bi-polar ex said I needed too much reassurance. He was right. I don't disagree. I used to ask "Do you still like/love me?". What a question to ask. Geez. I buried those questions. Now, I say things like "I really like YOU". That way, I generally get a decent response and the needy, stupid girl is kept under wraps.
  I've been seeing this guy for about two weeks. The other night, we had our first "meh" night. It wasn't that great. We hung out, but I was still wrecked from the flu. He thought I was too shy around his friends. Honestly, I was exhausted, dehydrated and wanting to be in a bed. In my head, he seemed weird and distant that night. We didn't hang out tonight. I worked late and I think he fell asleep. But, you know, that doubt is like a beast in my mind. I convince myself that he's not into me anymore. Plus, I finally told him my age. Just a bad night for my ego. Sometimes, I think I'm more concerned with getting the attention even more that I care about the person. I catch myself all the time, worrying about whether a guy likes me or not when I don't really like them. I have this undying need to be loved and liked by all. It's not exclusive to men. I want everyone to love and accept me. Maybe it's due to being an only child. It's most likely due to my childhood and feeling abandoned by my mom. Regardless, its an annoying feature in my brain that I hate and battle. There's a strong, rebel side that doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks. As far as what I like and dislike, I'm very honest and don't care. Bronson is my favorite movie. BRMC are my favorite band. I watch way too many ghost shows. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about those things. But, ask whether or not someone likes me personally and I worry obsessively. It's ridiculous. The good thing is that I recognize my faults and try to change them. We'll see where all this goes. I'll just try to keep myself from going insane in the meantime. And check my phone obsessively to see if he's texted. Ugh.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

I think I'm falling for the male me

This week has been so great. I've spent all my free time with Terry. I haven't given him a nickname. That should be a clue that it is a good thing. And, the free time hasn't been a lot. I work 40 hours & he works like 58 at his job. The little time we spend together is so fun. We talk, watch Netflix, snuggle and kiss. He loves comedians. We like the same movies. It was when we mixed up our glasses on his nightstand that I realized I'm dating the male me. Quite possibly why I think he's so fantastic. Everyone is a bit of a narcissist, right? Why not be attracted to someone with some of your best qualities?
It is frightening because I've only clicked like this we someone twice before- once with Bob, who I ended up marrying & once with HeWhoShallNotBeNamed. I just love being in his atmosphere. He is so sweet to me and attentive. The best cuddler ever. I'm very attracted to him. In fact, I have been since the moment I met him. He does security at the bookstore on the weekends. We had an instant flirtation. He's so cute. He looks like the bastard son of Jason Stathem and Adam Scott. Plus, there's no mystery to how we feel about each other. We openly gush our feelings to each other. I don't miss having that insecurity and doubt. That's painful. With the last guy I saw, M., it was like an enigma wrapped in a conundrum. Not fun. Basically, this has been a blissful week. He's a wonderful man and I feel so blessed to have met him. We'll see where it goes from here. There's always fear in my world. I've been burned so hard. I just take it day by day and treasure every moment of happiness.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

What the shit?

  What the shit? My life is the polar opposite of what it was at this time last year. I'm living in a city that I love, working at a job that is great and I had a wonderful date the other night. WHO AM I? Last year, at this time, I was on the verge of being suicidal (something I'm not proud of) and hating life. Life really took it's toll on me. Flash forward to now- I'm smiling as I drive around a new city. You know the Mary Tyler Moore intro? Of course you don't, you weren't born yet. Anyway, she's walking around the city all excited to be there. So excited that she's pitches her hat in the air. That's how I feel. I don't wear hats or I would pitch mine. After experiencing the worst year of my life, I'm not experiencing one of the best. Granted, its only January. Shut it.
  The other night, I had one of those "night to remember" dates. I'd been really attracting to a guy that I'd seen around work. We casually chatted now and then. Then, he asked what I was doing after work one night. Of course, I wasn't doing anything and proceeded to tell him about moving and not knowing anyone or the city too well, yet. He said "Oh, I live close and anytime you want to hang out, I'd hang out." Dork here, just thought he was being kind. Later that day, he asked for my number and asked if I wanted to have dinner the next night. A guy asked me out on a date! Not me pursuing somebody on the dating website or trying to make one of those fiascoes work. He asked ME out. At first, I wasn't sure it was a date. A big percentage of me thought it might just be a friend thing. We had dinner and then went for coffee. We talked like crazy and had tons of things in common. The night ended way too fast. We were texting later, and decided to hang out more that night and watch a movie. So, he came here to my Downton Abbey-like servant quarters of a bedroom to watch "Moon", a movie we both had seen before and loved. It was so fun. We snuggled under my electric blanket. Its like a frozen tundra in this place. But, just having that playful, romantic chemistry brewing. The "when is he going to kiss me" feeling all night. It was so great. He's a great cuddler. Like top ten cuddler. I was just over the moon about this night. Still am. We're having date number two tonight. That's usually the clincher. Something usually goes horribly awry. I hope it doesn't end with me giving him dead kisses. Dead kisses are when you don't want to kiss someone but do anyway. You're not into it, so your kisses are lifeless and you have dead lips. I don't feel it will be that way, though. I'm pretty excited to see him. Excited enough to touch up my makeup. We all know how lazy I am. If my excitement trumps laziness, it's a rare thing. I'm just so happy with life right now. After last year, I feel I truly deserve it.

Monday, January 7, 2013

I think it's time to hang up the dating hat

  I thought moving to Pittsburgh would give me more options dating-wise. Obviously, I was wrong. The dating gods are telling me to give it up. I've had two (well, technically three) dates this week. I had two with a guy named Ken. No pseudonym, I'm too tired for that. The first one went really well. We met for a drink and talked for a long while. The second date- meh. We had dinner. Honestly, I just wasn't into him. He gave me a kiss at the end of the date and I just gave him dead lips. He hasn't texted since. I think he got the hint. The past two days, I've been texting with this guy I met online. We have so much in common and he's so charismatic and funny. So, of course, when I actually met him, I wasn't attracted to him one bit. If only, because we get along so well. I guess I have to have a good-looking jerk to be happy and in love. He went in for a kiss, too, and I actually recoiled. So, I give up. Really. I do. If a guy is even remotely interested in being monogamous, it's because he can't find anyone else. All the attractive guys just want sex. It's just such an emotional let down. I really, really wish I hadn't had my year long relationship with He Who Shall Not Be Named. It spoiled me in many ways. Number one, just thinking that I can find another relationship. Number two, with an attractive guy who I have things in common with. It was an anomaly. Why can't I accept that? I need to accept that I can either have a relationship with someone I'm not attracted to at all, or sex with people I am attracted to and it leads to nothing else. These are my options. Or get thee to a nunnery. That last one is starting to look spectacular. To make things worse, I came back from the date listening to a podcast where three men were discussing polyamory. One guy was explaining his polyamorous lifestyle. The others would chime in about hating being in a relationship or cheating on their girls. Not the words I needed to hear at that moment. I've lost all faith in dating. I need something to restore my faith. Like when you lose your faith in humanity. Maybe you dealt with shitty people all day and are convinced the world is evil and then you see a woman buy a random stranger's coffee for them because they didn't have enough money. (True story, happened to me Saturday). After tonight, I need a man to buy me a coffee, so to speak. I seriously think I might take down my profile and just give it a rest. My expectations are never going to be met. Not while I'm looking this hard. True love finds you when you least expect it, from what I've experienced. I, however, think true love is as dead as Elvis. (Meaning, 90% of me thinks he's dead, the other 10% is convinced he's living on the second floor in Graceland that they won't let you see on the tour). Geez, this was a rant. No paragraphs or anything. I just don't know why I don't give up. I continue to have this stupid hope. Even now, I think, but I might turn the corner and meet my soul mate. I think I need hit on the head. Why am I such a hopeless romantic who wants it all? Yeah, you'll find that handsome man who wants a relationship. Sure, keep telling yourself that. Jackass.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Period in Pittsburgh

  I'm sure that 99% of women dread their period. I think the only aspect of it that we do like is the indicator that we're not pregnant. If you're a man reading this, you should just stop now. You're neither going to understand nor sympathize. Plus, it's about to get graphic. My periods are particularly brutal due to having fibroids. If you don't know what they are, they're  benign tumors that grow in your uterus. They cause excessive bleeding and can be quite troublesome. I've had two surgeries. The last one didn't help at all. I blame the incompetent doctor in WV. Anyway, "excessive bleeding" is putting it mildly. I say it's like Vietnam in my pants. I usually find myself at the drugstore buying pads and tampons. For the first two days, I have to wear both and usually still get drenched in blood. It looks like I murdered someone with a straight razor when I change my products out. Tonight, I was wearing both and yet still bled out through my underwear, Spanx and tights. And, these fibroids that come out are the size of a fetus. It's so gross. Sometimes I stare into what's come out of me in pure astonishment. It's like the chestburster in Alien except it's in my toilet.
  In addition to the physical element, I also have the emotional. Usually, one will dominate each period. Honestly, I prefer the physical ones. I knew my period was coming this week when I heard Josh Groban at work and got tears in my eyes. I hate the melancholy feelings and the self-pity.
  Every girl has a nickname for their period- Aunt Flo, that time, monthly visitor, red devil, the rag, etc. I think mine should be called Guadalcanal or Black Hawk Down. I'm dreading work tomorrow. I'm already nervous being the newbie and not knowing lots of things. Now, add changing a pad and tampon every hour with a fragile disposition. Isn't this why Carrie annihilated her school at the prom? The only thing I'm looking forward to is my second date. I had a first date tonight. We met at a bar and got along really well. We're going to meet tomorrow for a second. I've given up on M. He's moving and too emotionally distant. He'll soon be distant literally and physically. I almost shut down my dating profile altogether when this date happened. So, we'll see. Luckily, he had no idea I was bleeding profusely all through our date. Not exactly a turn on. I'm in the bathtub now. It looks like I slit my wrists in here. One would think I would shower, but I hate my back getting wet and I think of dragons. Don't ask. It doesn't make any sense. I'm still amazed at how well this date went. He even mentioned being a monogamous person. I think my head spun around like Linda Blair's in The Exorcist when I heard that.  I didn't think men like that existed. He, also, hasn't sent any penis pics. Chalk up two points for this guy. According to the dating site, we're 96% enemies. We're both baffled by this because we got along so well. Very interested in how this second one goes. Let's hope I'm not batshit crazy due to hormones.