Saturday, January 26, 2013

Crazy train is up and running

  I was basically single for the past year. I had some very short-lived, kind of relationships, but not anything that lasted. I settled into my own weird routines. For the past two weeks, I've been hanging out exclusively with a guy. I really, really, really like him. I generally spend every night at his apartment. (He has a bed and it's really warm in his room. Plus, his snuggling capabilities are outstanding). I've realized that, at times, I miss this stupid, solitary existence that I've become accustomed to living. My Pittsburgh nights consisted of laying on this creaky bed, watching ghost shows on Huluplus. I haven't wanted him to see the real nighttime Erin, either. How do you introduce curlers, Frownies and Hello Kitty pajamas to a man that you want to keep around? He's seen me without makeup and that's about it. As we all know, I'm horribly insecure. My self-esteem is near negative. I completely forgot about the constant state of insecurity and worry that I experience when I start seeing someone. Now, it doesn't have to be any lengthy relationship. I'm a crazy woman. This shit starts from day one. The more the relationship progresses, the more I freak. "Does he like me?" "Is he thinking about me?". Blah. It's mentally exhausting. I've grown a lot and can put it all aside a lot more than in the past, but the nagging insecurities are still there. I try to keep it in check. It's screwed up all of my past relationships. My three week, bi-polar ex said I needed too much reassurance. He was right. I don't disagree. I used to ask "Do you still like/love me?". What a question to ask. Geez. I buried those questions. Now, I say things like "I really like YOU". That way, I generally get a decent response and the needy, stupid girl is kept under wraps.
  I've been seeing this guy for about two weeks. The other night, we had our first "meh" night. It wasn't that great. We hung out, but I was still wrecked from the flu. He thought I was too shy around his friends. Honestly, I was exhausted, dehydrated and wanting to be in a bed. In my head, he seemed weird and distant that night. We didn't hang out tonight. I worked late and I think he fell asleep. But, you know, that doubt is like a beast in my mind. I convince myself that he's not into me anymore. Plus, I finally told him my age. Just a bad night for my ego. Sometimes, I think I'm more concerned with getting the attention even more that I care about the person. I catch myself all the time, worrying about whether a guy likes me or not when I don't really like them. I have this undying need to be loved and liked by all. It's not exclusive to men. I want everyone to love and accept me. Maybe it's due to being an only child. It's most likely due to my childhood and feeling abandoned by my mom. Regardless, its an annoying feature in my brain that I hate and battle. There's a strong, rebel side that doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks. As far as what I like and dislike, I'm very honest and don't care. Bronson is my favorite movie. BRMC are my favorite band. I watch way too many ghost shows. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about those things. But, ask whether or not someone likes me personally and I worry obsessively. It's ridiculous. The good thing is that I recognize my faults and try to change them. We'll see where all this goes. I'll just try to keep myself from going insane in the meantime. And check my phone obsessively to see if he's texted. Ugh.