Thursday, November 8, 2012

Yeah, he's cheating on you.

  I've decided that my pain could be useful to other people. I learned a lot from being cheated on. I should pass on this knowledge. Statistically, I have no idea how many people get cheated on, but I'm sure it's a hell of a lot. Many people have suffered through it. I have twice. But, never again. I know the signs and I'm passing them along. I'm aiming this at girls. Not that it doesn't take two to tango, I just feel men can't keep it in their pants more. Plus, I only know from a woman's point of view. If you want an account from both points of view, I guess consult Rupaul or Chasity Bono.
  Girls, his phone is your best consultant. It's like the ark of the covenant. Open it and awful things come out. Your face may melt off. Like I said, I've been cheated on twice and each time I busted them via their phone. I don't know if it's arrogance or desire to be caught that makes them keep the evidence on their phone. But, it's there. Check those texts. If he keeps his phone locked, then I'd say you're being cheated on. It's just a fact. If there's nothing to hide, then it's an open book. Now, I never, ever looked at a guy's phone until I had suspicions. I'm not a nib-nose. Everyone should have an expectation of privacy in a relationship. UNLESS YOU'RE CHEATING! If that's the case, fuck you, I hope you get some kind of eye herpes. I didn't want to snoop into these phones. Who wants to find that kind of shit? But, here's the second piece of advice- if you have a feeling they're cheating, then, they are. I NEVER thought the guys I spent time with would've done this. NEVER. Patrick had been cheated on by a previous girlfriend, plus he knew my past. I just never would've suspected him. But, I had this gnawing feeling each time. It's like a sixth sense. Haley Joel Osment saw dead people. I knew my guy was double dipping. You talk yourself out of believing it. Time passes. But, everyday that feeling and suspicion is there. Honestly, when you find the evidence it feels exactly the same as finding out someone you know died. There's an awful feeling in your stomach.
  Once they're busted, they lie like crazy. Rarely does a guy have the balls to admit what he's done. Luckily, the first time, he had the balls to be straight up and admit it. But, good old Patrick was very weaselly about it. I basically had to pry it out of him and it took weeks. I tried to kick his ass to the curb the night I found out, but he cried and begged me to not break up with him. Here's my third piece of advice- BREAK UP WITH HIM. Don't believe him for a second. Frankly, you deserve better. You're hurt and too willing to want it to go away and believe those lies. Have some self respect and end it.
  I don't know how this will affect my future relationships. So far, I haven't had one. That speaks volumes right there. My next piece of advice is to adopt Fox Mulder's motto of "Trust no one". I really never thought these guys would've done this to me. I thought they were good guys. And, honestly, one of them is a good guy. He just really messed up and handled things in a very wrong way. As for the other one, total weasel. He knew what he was doing every step of the way. Maybe he's messed up and in therapy. He should be. Who cheats on a woman when she thinks she has breast cancer? Man, you're low-down and disgusting if you do. It's jerk company, too. You're peer is John Edwards. Disgusting. Revolting. A woman is never more vulnerable than when she is afraid she may have cancer and potentially lose a breast or her life. If you're sticking your penis somewhere else when this is going on, you should be repeatedly punched in the balls. I mean, you could also spend your time kicking puppies. On a karmic scale, it's probably equal.
  My last piece of advice is to remember that it's not your fault. You blame yourself. I'm not attractive enough or I was a bad girlfriend/wife. I wasn't good in bed. In retrospect, I realize that some people are just fucked up in the head regarding relationships and their self-esteem. Maybe they never saw their parents in a good relationship. A lot of it stems from that. If a relationship doesn't have bumps and is smooth sailing, then, it's uncomfortable and boring to them. I saw good and bad in my childhood. My grandparents were together until they died. I routinely saw them hug and kiss. They rarely fought. I always remember when we rode in the car, seeing my grandpap reach over and hold my grandma's hand. That was true love. Then, there was my mother. She fought all the time with her boyfriends. She instigated every fight. She was a total asshole. I witnessed five billion screaming fights. I basically learned what not to do in a relationship from her. But, alas, many men must see that same thing in their childhood and then subconsciously crave it in their adult relationships. It's super-deep psychology. Sometimes, they're just bored and crave something different. I'm not entirely sure that men are supposed to be monogamous. I think most women are like penguins, mating for life. Some men are, too. Listen to Patrice O'Neal's stand up comedy about men cheating. It's totally hilarious and true. There's a part about how women wouldn't cheat even if it was Denzel Washington. Men see a girl laying on a pile of garbage and are attracted enough to cheat. Men and women's brains are just hardwired differently. I'm not saying there aren't exceptions. Stuff your comments about exceptions in a sack. We're talking generalizations here. I would love to be a guy for a day. Maybe I'd try to surpass Gene Simmons' or Wilt Chamberlain's bed records in one day. If guys were in women's bodies for a day, they'd never leave the house. They'd stay holed up feeling their boobs the whole time. But, I digress. Girls, just listen to your gut, check that phone if you suspect them and trust them as far as you can throw them.