Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Almost ten things I hate about you

  The other night on Happy Endings (hilarious TV show, watch it), one of the characters got into trouble with a new boyfriend. She makes lists of things she hates about every boyfriend and he found it. This is something I've never done. I'm the too nice girl who is nice even after the break up. One of my best friends made a profile on Cheaterville.com for my cheating ex boyfriend and I eventually made it invisible because I felt he suffered enough. So stupid. Needless to say, I've never made a dislike list. I tend to see the best in people almost to a fault. It made me think that I should as a form of therapy. I mean, if you cheat on me the least I can do is make a list of things I didn't like. I'm on my period, so this could be long and drawn out. This is in no particular order.
1. He always walked ahead of me. It was like we were in a foot race of some kind. We'd go to the stupid Giant Eagle and it was like a cloud of dust in front of me where he was. I would think "Why the shit is he walking so fast? He works in a freaking lab all day." He wouldn't even be conscious of my presence. We're supposed to be shopping together and we're walking around like I was his freaking geisha, made to walk ten paces behind. Sometimes, I would just hang back to see if he'd even notice I wasn't beside him. That always really bothered me. It basically said that he didn't give a shit that I was there. Hmm. The signs.
2. We never went anywhere. Oh, other than Giant Eagle where I was following him like a sprinter in a race with Usain Bolt. When we first started dating, he took me to really nice restaurants. Then, it turned into just hanging out at his house. We saw ONE movie at the theater together. ONE. We dated for a year. Luckily, it was Moneyball and worth seeing. After maybe a month of dating, the only place we went, other than his house, was his dad's apartment. I think I saw as much of that place as I did his. Luckily, I liked his dad. We saw three comedy shows, but this was at my urging. We were supposed to see Patrice O'Neal right before we broke up, but he suffered a stroke. Maybe that should have been a sign. Your favorite comedian is going to die and so is your relationship.
3. He was very judgmental. I'd never had a manicure until I met him. He was so horrified at the state of my nails that he bought all the essentials and gave me a manicure. What man does that? I always did his dishes when I stayed over to be nice. He had a dishwasher, but was Nazi fanatical about washing the dishes before placing them in the dishwasher. One time, I took all the dishes out of the dishwasher and put them away thinking they had been through the cycle. They had not. He lost his shit. That's how clean these damn dishes were. He would always inspect them if I cleaned them. It makes me really laugh about that incident.
4. He was ridiculous when he saw a stink bug. I don't know the technical name for these bugs. Supposedly, if you try to kill them, they let off an odor. I think this is false. I've killed many without smelling anything. When he saw one, he wouldn't let me move. Then, he would run and get his vacuum and suck it up. He was so paranoid that I would do something to incite a smell from this bug. It was always comical watching him go through this charade. Ninety year old ladies react more rationally to the presence of bugs. 
5. He was a perv. And not always in a good way. I like some kink, but he always had the roving eye. Great, you think that girl on TV is hot? Shut it, I don't want to hear about it. He's the kind of guy that makes jokes about your friend being hot, but you really suspect he's serious. When he was cheating on me, he was taking Viagara. I suppose you need it when you're screwing two girls. That should have been a huge sign. It's not like he ever needed it when we were together at all. I may have horrible self-esteem, but I can provide a boner in a man, no problem. I think it's my titties, they're pretty spectacular. Anyway, he got a prescription for Viagara, which I thought was odd, but thought he was just experimenting with it. Duh. When I found out he was cheating, I dumped them in his toilet and didn't flush so he'd see what I'd done. I poked holes in all his condoms in his bathroom and left them in his cabinet. I should have been meaner and did some kind of Stella Got Her Groove Back revenge and set his clothing on fire in his front yard. Once again, I'm too kind.
6. He was just a horrible boyfriend. Not necessarily on a daily basis, but what he did at the end was unforgivable. Cheats on me when I think I might have breast cancer. There's just really something wrong with your morals if you do that. The day I had my biopsy, he was late. I had to go through it alone. It was truly awful. He was there when I came out. He took me up to Pittsburgh. He got me a manicure and a pedicure. I couldn't enjoy it. I saw him take a phone call while I was getting it and was paranoid it was the other woman. Here, he was calling his mom to see how much of a tip to leave. Then, he had the audacity to get offended at my being upset. Really? Instead of taking me to his house to rest, I had to go to his lab with him for a few hours. Mind you, his boss knew of the situation and told him to take the day off. Nope. He just let me sleep at a table. I'm not saying he was all bad. He was very doting and loving. He always called me "dear" and "beautiful". He gave me the best Valentine's Day ever. We were really in love. He just fucked up and handled it in the worst way possible.
7. He had to put his creamer in his coffee first. This is a really stupid complaint, but he always jacked up my coffee. I put the creamer in last.
Ok, at the moment, I'm very tired & can't come up with ten things. Truth is, I'd erase his existence from my brain if I could. The damage he did was far worse than the good he did. Regardless, he's some other lady's problem now. Enjoy, girl. I sure as hell don't miss these things. In fact, after a year of being depressed, I'm completely over him & wondering what I saw in him. Love is a strange drug.