Monday, September 29, 2014

Autumn of my discontent

  I'm depressed. No, I'm beyond depressed. My year and a half relationship has ended. I suppose it was inevitable, but I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for it. For once in my life, I wasn't dumped or doing the dumping. We came to the decision mutually and it was painful for both of us. On my end, I never see him and it was causing anger and resentment. On his end, he never wants marriage ( I don't either, but he kept bringing it up) and will never live with me. He mentioned not wanting to stay in the country, too. Throw in a twenty year age difference and, voila, you have a break up. We care for each other very much, but neither of us thinks it will last. He said he felt like an asshole because we never saw each other. I felt like I was keeping him from a normal life. Eventually, I'm sure he'll want to have kids (without the dreaded marriage) and this lady isn't popping out any more babies, as much as I'd like to.
  My friends have been so wonderful. I immediately got so many nice condolences. Two friends threatened to beat him up before I explained it was a mutual split. Everyone expressing their love and concern made me feel good. I'm taking it rough. One night I cried into my lasagna. This food should always be eaten and not cried upon. Most of the time, I'm in a dreadful mood. I'm sure my co-workers are delighted with me. But, I can't help it. I loved him. I know there are worse things going on in the world, but it's become a huge fragment of my thoughts.
  Already concerned with aging and weight gain, the burden of possibly dating again makes me think it's a lost cause. I'm not in the best shape. I think about exercising, but when I get home from work, I can't fathom the thought. Tonight, I bought a facial exercising book. Rightfully so, my co-workers laughed. But, twice this week, I've had two people clearly in their sixties talk to me as if I were their same age. I was talking about where I grew up with someone's mother and they asked if I knew so and so and said "Oh, he may be a few years older than you.' Yeah, he is. He's my friend's dad! We aren't even close to the same age. Another guy was talking about a TV station that plays old shows like Petticoat Junction and Mary Tyler Moore. He said "You remember those shows." Freakin' Petticoat Junction?! No, I wasn't born. Now, I do remember Mary Tyler Moore, but I was a child. Do I look 20 years older than I am? Please, no one answer that. Sweet Moses, I've got to get to working this face until head transplants become a thing. How I managed to land my hot, twenty-three year old ex is beyond me.
  I've got my boy with me and that's enough on my plate for now. Trying to be two parents is pretty time consuming and leaves little time for a relationship anyway. But, I mourn the loss of this one. I hope he has a wonderful life.