Tuesday, April 14, 2015


  I wish I wasn't writing this. I wish you were still here. But, you aren't and this is the only way to talk to you. 
  You're boy is doing well. You'd be so proud of him. He's done remarkably well this past year. His resilience is admirable. He has breakdowns, of course. I hold him and cry with him. Everyday, he asks me to tell him a story about me and you before he was born. I have so many funny stories. When I think of those times, I smile. 
  Your mom told me she'll never get over your loss. I told her that I understand. How could she? You were a perfect son. Your sisters are so strong. It's been so hard on them. I think Nikki cries everyday and it breaks all of our hearts. You meant so much to so many people. 
  For a long time, I felt guilt. You were the far better parent. The bond you and Viggo had was so strong. I felt guilt about mourning you, like I didn't have the right. Our relationship got so complicated. But, then I realized you were such a huge part of my life and I had every right to mourn. You were every part of my adult life. We loved each other so much, for so long.
You were my husband. 
  As you know, I'm not one to necessarily believe in the afterlife. But, when you passed, I saw signs from you. Your sisters say you communicate through music, which is so true. One day at work, I walked into our receiving room. The radio was on and I was thinking of you. The next song was Travis "Flowers in the Window", which played as we walked down the aisle after we were married. I hear songs, out of the blue, all the time, that were special to us and I know you are there. The auditorium was packed at Viggo's Christmas pageant, yet the chair beside me was never filled. You were there. You've taken such good care of us. We have a great apartment and V loves living in Pittsburgh. He's happy. You know, I'm not the best mom, but somehow, it's working. We're so close. And, you'd be so amazed at this boy. His report cards are good. He's kept his promise. He's such an amazing child. We did a good job. 
  I dream of you every night, without fail. In most dreams, we're still together and my grandparents are still alive. Happier times. 
  We love you and miss you. We talk about you everyday. We laugh at stories, and sometimes we cry. You're forever in our hearts and I know you're watching over us. You were the best man I've ever known.