Thursday, September 6, 2012
I've been profoundly depressed lately. Nothing is going right. I have no one to confide in. Men only want to talk about sex and women seem to hate my guts. I have a male sense of humor which doesn't coincide with women. I've offended two good friends with my sense of humor. It sucks. I try to talk to men, but they ONLY talk about sex to me. It never used to be this way in my relationships. I used to have male friends. I used to be able to talk to romantic interests about other things. These guys I've encountered lately only talk to me about sex. It's exhausting and depressing. I really love sex, but, damn, time and a place, bro. Men and women are hardwired very differently. Men have a bad day- solution? Masturbate. Women have a bad day- solution? Cry. I cried for two hours straight last night. I look like E.T. after a prize fight with Tyson. I tried talking to the guy I'm interested in last night. Every response was sex related. No joke. I'm exhausted and mentally drained. The LAST thing on a woman's mind after a rough day is sex. I just want to actually talk to someone. I'm SO depressed. So depressed. Ever waking second. The only time I seem to be happy is when I have V around. Everyone seems to hate me at work. I give up. I truly do. The only man who actually talked to me about something other than sex was Patrick. He was astonished at how depressed I was when we last talked. Oddly, he is the major cause of this depression. Vicious circle. I read a lot and sleep a lot. I try not to think. To be the five billionth girl to quote Florence Welch- " I can never leave the past behind". Every day, I tell myself that I'm going to "bury that horse in the ground". I can't recover. I can't get past anything. Honestly, I'm probably just hung up on Patrick because he's the last man to listen to me, hold me, look at me compassionately and desire me all at the same time. Now, I get desired. That's it. Which, I love, at times. When you have low self-esteem, being desired is very great. It's empty, though. I get many texts from men and here is the extent- penis pics, middle of the night calls desiring sex, attempts to get me into bed and sex talk. My soul is so lonely. I miss Amy, Bethany, my grandparents, Patrick, seeing Viggo everyday, happiness, looking forward to something. I miss feeling good. All I have is escapism. I'm running from myself. Moving back to West Virginia was the absolute worst decision I've ever made in my life. I lost my marriage and child. The only benefit was making new friends, most of which I never see and the ones I do, dislike me. It is what it is. I'm trying to change the circumstances. That's all I can do. For now, I'll just cry a lot, sleep a lot more, and read to escape.