Monday, September 10, 2012

Hey girl....

  A good bit of my day was spent oogling a picture of Jon Hamm that my friend, Amy sent me. What's so unusual about me staring at Jon Hamm? Three facts- he's holding his girlfriend's hand, he's shopping and wearing some tight, revealing pants.  Could he be more perfect? Seriously. Damn. As if he wasn't attractive enough. I knew he was funny from being on SNL and various podcasts. Now, I have to accept that he's SENSITIVE AND WELL HUNG? Too much. He's dashing my man expectations. Normally, that's a literary thing. It probably started with Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights. Sensitive, brooding, manly man. Recently, women have had their perspectives skewed by characters like Edward from Twilight. He would do anything for Bella. Ridiculous. Men aren't like that. They're more like Mr. Big. They step all over your heart. I can't accept that there's some real world man who is this perfect. How am I supposed to accept regular men? I think the last guy to hold my hand was Herpes. It wasn't that sweet. It was probably self-serving. And, no offense to any former lovers/boyfriends but none of y'all even come close to Jon Hamm. And then there's Ryan Gosling. Don't even get me started. Half of the memes out there about him are true. Where are these men in real life? Do you think Ryan Gosling sends out penis pics? I think not! Do you think Jon Hamm's girlfriend tells him about her bad day and he responds with telling her how horny he is? NO. He's a damn gentleman. I can find sensitive men, but they apparently can't keep it in their pants. They drown their sorrows in another woman's vagina. It's bullshit. Oh, I meet sensitive men in real life. I suspect they're gay. So far I've been on two dates where my gaydar went bonkers. They couldn't take their eyes off my chest. I heard that gay men love boobs just as much as straight men. I'm confounded. I can't take these celebrity sightings. Chris Hemsworth cradling his newborn child. I need more pictures of a drunken Kiefer Sutherland with a rose sticking out of his pants or an angry Sean Penn. Reaffirm what dicks men are. With smaller penises, too. Dammit, Hamm. You've spoiled me!!!!