Most uncomfortable night of my life

  A few weeks ago, I accepted a date from a guy who went to the same high school as I did. I won't mention his name. Let's call him NG for nice guy, because he truly is a nice guy. I accepted his friend request on Facebook thinking he was actually a girl that went to my high school. His name is ambiguous and his profile pic is of his little girl. Not a total blond moment on my part. In the beginning, we exchanges pleasant messages like "Like your hair"-him, "Thanks"-me. Then, I realized it was a man. It was ok. His profile pics were ok from what I could tell. He seemed soooo  nice, too.
  One day he mentioned liking old movies and I mentioned The Artist playing in the area at Towngate Theater. A few days later, I realize that he took this as an invitation for a date, so, being the nice guy that I am, I accepted. He agreed to pick me up at my house. So far, so good. I wasn't sure about the whole thing, but what the hell, right? I even thought maybe we could get dinner instead when he arrived.
  He pulled up in a Humvee and came to my door with a rose plant. Everyone groans at that part, but I actually liked the flowers, which have since died a painful death due to my lack of a green thumb. What I didn't like was him. I could tell within 30 seconds that this was NOT going to work. I blurted out "Ready for the movie?" in the hopes that I wouldn't have to spend much time interacting with him. Now, let me once again say that he's such a nice guy. Just not my type at all. No physical attraction to him, we had nothing in common. I'm not a dick. This just wasn't going to work.
  We make it to the movie. The silent movie. The silent movie during which he loudly said "I thought you were going to hold my hand?" "No!" I yelled back. Thankfully, it ended and he drove me back home. We made small talk about music- "Do you like Great White?"-him. Me- "NO". "Do you like Pink Floyd?" "NO"
"Well, what do you like?"
"Good music".
  After a lifetime, we pull up to my apartment. He reaches down for a piece of gum. Oh, dear God, no, I think. He's going to try for a kiss. I have to fend this off somehow. Panic sets in. I hustle out of the car. He says he'll walk me to my door. OH NO! .I do the only thing I can think of- fend him off with a hug. So, I give him a hug knowing that I can pull away without being kissed. Good plan until he doesn't let go when I try to pull away. "Not yet" he said and held the embrace. Yep. I just limply hung until he took another 15-30 seconds before letting go. I, then ran into my house. Thankfully, he eventually got the hint that I didn't think the date went as well as he thought it did. He quit texting me. Once again, he's a super nice guy. I just want to emphatically state so that no one thinks he's a creep. We were just from opposite ends of the spectrum. Ok, he hug raped me, but I'll let that go. It does make for quite a hilarious story.

"I want to be alone"-Greta Garbo

I'm really identifying with this statement. Finally, I've reached a place where I like being alone. Often I'll have offers to hang out with friends but I turn them down. There's a solace & comfort to being here in my apartment alone. Sometimes when someone is here, I'm just waiting for them to leave. That's probably how it started for billionaire recluse Howard Hughes. If I start thinking tissue boxes on my feet are a good idea, I'm going to be concerned. I'm just disillusioned with dating. All men seem to want is sex. All I seem to want is Patrick. I have enough notches on my bedpost. I'd rather have someone to talk to & just be around. Oh, well.

How to lose a guy in 14 days

I met a guy online & we clicked like I've never clicked with anyone before. We texted & talked on the phone all the time. I never talk on the phone. Hate it. Not even to my best friends. I talked to him incessantly. He lived in Alabama. We decided to meet. He came here for what was supposed to be three days & it turned into two weeks. We had a blast. We stayed up every night laughing & talking. I introduced him to my friends & V. It was perfect. Only thing was... He's bi-polar. That's not even an issue with me. I've had friends & loved ones with many chemical imbalances. I knew someone who was bi-polar. But, when they're off their meds, ooooh man, nasty. He went home & turned into Mr. Hyde. He insisted I needed too much reassurance & he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I insisted that he was having a bi-polar episode since his meds were messed up. He was nasty & I hung up on him. Never to hear from him again. Sigh. Oh, well. It's ok. I gained a coffee mug, a flash drive and a sweet flip camera containing video of a drunk, naked me walking like I'm on a catwalk. So, this is a win situation. I've learned a lot- stop being filmed naked, become a cold-hearted bitch, guys that want anal aren't keepers, etc. I'm wiser for the experience. Bullshit. I'm still a jackass when it comes to men.

I like you a lot

I recently started talking to someone I met online. We clicked instantly. He lives in Alabama, of course. Why would he be close? I've rarely clicked with anyone this fast. It's bizarre. We have SO much in common, right down to possible A.D.D. I never talk on the phone, even to my closest friends. I talk to him on the phone everyday. I delight in talking to him. A very good friend of mine experienced this same thing not long ago. I remember her asking if I thought two people could fall in love before ever meeting. I said definitely. That's the hardest part-the emotional connection. A physical connection is easier to find. Finding someone you can talk to & laugh with & enjoy is so difficult to find. For the first time in a long time, I'm smiling again. I'm laughing again. I've learned there's a balance, though. A man can make you smile, but friends can make you smile just as much. I'll never forget that. I feel myself liking him more and more each day and trying to resist what I think are feelings developing. But, he's fantastic. Truly fantastic.

My not so real boyfriends

When you join an online dating site, you juggle a roster of men. Currently, I have a list.
I'm talking to two Matts. One is infuriating & stood me up last Friday. The other is so sweet & we have a date tomorrow.
Daily, I talk to Nathanael in NC. I'm convinced we're soul mates. He's handsome & calls me "darlin".
There are a couple of very young guys who text me. One is super hot. Super hot. Is it wrong to sleep with a 21 year old? (like I've never done that).
I've made 2 good friends via the website-Bennie & Anthony. We talk daily. Good guys.
KoolAidDave wants to have sex with me. Don't see that happening. So dies Ghost Bicycle. Now, he is Irish/Jewish, so that might. However, he sends me daily pics of his penis. We all know how I feel about that.
Match.com is a big failure. The only hits I got were a man from Turkey that seemed to think he was going to bed me. No. There was a handsome guy that talked about making a date & then flaked.
There's my gay date who texts me a lot & calls me beautiful.
Last, but not least, there's a super nice guy I met at work. He's a single dad & the nicest guy you'll ever meet. He wants to take me out, but I'm not sure. Of course, I'm only attracted to someone if they're a complete dick. Hence my ongoing saga with Matt #1.
Maybe Matt #2 will work out better. Dating sucks. Why am I still so attracted to Matt #1. Oh, because he made out with me & then flaked. Irresistible to my psyche. He was a good kisser, though. And physically my type. Dammit. Dick. I should just go on an international sleeping tour & not "date" at all. Besides, it's been a long time. Fuck you, Patrick. You fucking asshole. Just had to get that out there. What a fucking dick. My one wish in life is for his girlfriend to cheat on him. Through a cancer scare. Please, sweet baby Jesus, make this happen. I'm horrible, I know. So, shut it. I kicked two deaf people out of my store the other day with no bad feelings at all. Patrick killed my soul. It is what it is. It's why I hope he gets mouth raped by a big black man on a daily basis. Then, I wish eye herpes on him when the guy finishes on his face. Yes, the depths of my hate are bottomless.

My gaydar is going off

I'm pretty sure the guy I met for coffee tonight might be gay. "Not that there's anything wrong with that". I just prefer my dates to be straight. Keeps it simple. He was a very nice guy. I met him & within 30 seconds I thought "Oh, he's gay. Enjoy the next couple of hours, idiot". Like I said, he was very nice. I don't think he realizes he's gay, either. He kept talking about dates with girls, ex-girlfriends, etc. But, my gaydar was really going off. Oddly, at the end of the date, he got my phone number. Then, he seemed like he wanted a hug or kiss. I just yelled "Thanks for coffee" & took off for my car. He's confused. It's not my job to set him straight. At least he didn't cancel. I didn't expect anything from tonight. I just wanted to get out & talk to someone new. Wait a minute... Who is this talking? Am I starting to get over Patrick & not care about finding someone so much? Yes, I am. I'm getting comfortable being alone. I have strange days when I don't give a shit. I'm not going to lie, I'm still pretty crushed over Patrick. Still feel he was "the one". But, fuck it, I obviously wasn't what he wanted. Can't change it, so move on, jackass. Stop caring about a jerk who cheated on you. For the love of all things holy, STOP SMELLING HIS SHIRT. Ok, maybe this getting better has daily setbacks. I'll get there. In the meantime, I have Viggo, Netflix, friends & Ancient Aliens to keep me happy. I leave you with a pic of the only lady I'd go gay for, Miss Christina Hendricks. Enjoy.

Am I George Valentin?

Last night, I finally saw The Artist. Unlike many of my peers, I enjoy & have seen silent movies. Charlie Chaplin was a genius. Without him, the film industry wouldn't be what it is today. Google him if you don't know. Needless to say, I loved the movie. I deeply loved & identified with the main character, George Valentin. He was a silent film star in the new talkie era. I saw his life as a metaphor for my love life. An aging star having to make way in a new world. He tried on his own & failed. He fell into deep depression & drank. I guess that's why I cried like a baby watching the movie to the shock of my two friends. It was so sad. He just wanted to carry on in life as it was. He was happy. Then things changed. He had a hard time changing with them. I felt his pain. I know what it's like to feel old & out of place. Try dating nowadays. It's brutal. I think I broke down even more when Peppy Miller tried to save him. To know that he had unseen hope. To see that he might have a future. Let me tell you, I feel hopeless 90% of the time. I'm like Charlie Brown after the fucking football gets pulled out from under him. I should have a "whomp-whah" noise to accompany me. So to see George have a future & to have love gave me hope. Now, I'm not as goddamned dashing as he is, but I haven't given up. Oddly, I don't know why. There's some stubborn resistance to this dismal search for love. I've found it before-twice. I can find it again. No matter how old I am or how washed up I seem. Fucking Dick Van Dyke just got married again. I mean, surely there's hope for me. My Peppy is out there somewhere.