Monday, October 15, 2012

Can I sleep with you, but not "sleep" with you?

  My friend was telling me about how she doesn't sleep well with her boyfriend in the bed. I jokingly said "Wouldn't it be weird if that was an indicator of how well your relationship was? If you couldn't sleep well together, then it's meant to be. If you sleep well together, then it's doomed." At first, we were joking. Then, as we both really thought back on past relationships, we realized there's something to it. I slept like a baby in Patrick's bed. We snuggled the whole time. It was glorious. We could even sleep on a couch together. Look at how that ended. The same with her previous relationship. Very cozy. Ended horribly. I didn't sleep that well with Bob. We lasted 13 years. I feel like going on dates now and asking if I can sleep in their bed without sleeping with them. Like a slumber party. I feel this won't go over too big with anyone. Guys seem to like the sex part. I could always pretend to be on my period. The ticket is to find that someone I can't sleep with. The worst person in the world to sleep with is Viggo. He throws his arms and legs around. He cracks you in the head. He hogs the bed. And he's the best thing on earth. This theory is fool proof. I'm not saying it works for everyone.  Please, don't shatter my illusions and tell me how well you sleep with your boyfriend/husband. I like my magical thinking. I play these games with myself all the time. Just go with it. I'm going to search for a man that I can't sleep well with and ride off into the sunset. This thought, Pinterest, Snyder's Hawaiian sweet onion potato chips, and my new ghost hunting app are the few things bringing me happiness at the moment. It all keeps me from thinking about how poor, lonely and out of shape I am. The scary thought is eventually trying to fit a man into my weird world. When I get home, I immediately strip out of my clothes into sweatpants. Then, I spend my night watching the I.D. channel, listening to stories of people who have murdered their loved ones. I fall asleep reading with the tv on. This is while wearing my glasses and tape on my forehead to prevent wrinkles. I lay down with my arms folded across my chest like Nosferatu and I'm off to sleep. Not exactly the picture of sexy. But, maybe we won't be able to sleep together and it will work out for the best.