Sometimes I wonder why I'm so confused about relationships & love & I remember that I have insanity in my atmosphere called my mom. Now, most of you that know me know she is batshit crazy. Maybe you've talked to her drunken ass on the phone in the afternoon as I vehemently shake my head to indicate I don't want to talk to her. Or maybe you've just heard the stories. She's probably a good reason why I can't function normally with men. Let's just talk about my pre-teen years.
When I was 12, we were at the local Super-Rx. It was a drugstore, now defunct. A lot like Wal-Greens. As I stood looking at Teen Beat, she pulls out a Playgirl magazine pointing at a large penis saying "Look at this. This is what men look like!". Key words being twelve and penis. No, ma'am. She said it very viciously. As if it weren't a good thing. It's a wonder I'm not gay from that experience. Mom, I will not have you discourage me from penis.
My mom is kind of a man hater/lover. Ask her many former boyfriends & my dad. They may shudder & then tell you an entertaining story. But, let me share another great childhood experience.
Flashdance. A movie about a Steel city girl trying to make it as a dancer. Great for a mother & daughter to see, right? Apparently not. She's also a part-time stripper, which makes for a lot of topless scenes. My mother was not thrilled with that. After much loud grumbling, she stands up in the theater & yells "I'm sick of all these tits!". Somehow, I managed to calm her down & we finished watching the movie. A usual scenario with my mom, I'm traumatized & she's just in her own delusional, self-righteous world.
I could probably devote a whole blog to her & her insanity, but you wouldn't believe half of it. And, I try not to think about her & the shit she's put me through. Just know that my greatest fear is being anything like her. I guess that's why I find it unjust that, just like her, I go home to any empty apartment. I really try to be the opposite of her. I never scream at my boyfriends on an hourly basis. I never get blackout drunk & call my daughter screaming "bitch" into the phone. Ok, I don't have a daughter, but I have a son & I never scream that at him. Regardless, I feel she has damaged my relationship psyche. I don't even know if I can view a man in a normal way. I had my grandparents, who raised me & tried to reverse any damage. But, alas, the damage was done. Where do I go from here? Lots of self-analysis, self help books and avoidance of my mother. My own cure all for years of craziness. Just know that she's why I have horrible self-esteem and why I hate the phone. Maybe even why I don't like to get penis pictures sent to me. So, if you see me, cut me some slack. I struggle on a daily basis. I might need a hug or some therapy. Or both.