Daily horoscope

  Even though I think they're bullshit, I read my horoscope everyday. Maybe I'm looking for a silver lining to what my day may potentially hold in store. Can you imagine one written from a realistic standpoint? I had an awful day, so I did.
  Monday- Don't expect to enjoy this day except for your lunch break when you read Buzzfeed articles. The rest of the day will be spent in a meeting where you'll hate yourself and 1-4 co-workers, feeling stupid and possibly fending off the flu. At night, you'll suffer from insomnia. Enjoy.
  Tuesday-Expect to feel tired from lack of sleep and still sick. Early in the day, you'll think about healthy eating and exercising only to eat meat loaf at night while watching The Good Wife.
  Wednesday-Really? Do you expect anything from this day? Who likes Wednesday? No one, that's who.
  Thursday- At some point today, someone will point out something that you jacked up. You'll feel stupid, Later on, you'll attempt to meet up with your boyfriend, only to misunderstand each other's texts resulting in a fight rather than dinner. He didn't read that vital text about where to meet. Meet him anyway. He's adorable and thrills your heart. You won't regret it.
  Friday- Your last work day. Expect to sit in about an hour's worth of traffic on your way to WV, all the while wondering if your car will make it. Listen to Joe Rogan's podcast and forget your worries. You get to see you kid tonight. That's what it's all about.
  Saturday & Sunday- These may be your days off, but not on your mom's watch. She will make you spend two hours at Wal-Mart, while she gets her groceries. You wouldn't want her taking that senior bus, would you? Expect your child to try to get a toy, complain about how hungry he is and tell you he saw his second grade teacher. Also, expect to see lots of pajamas and camouflage in public.
  This is a more accurate horoscope for me. It's not always like this, but I had a shitty day. If you want something positive, go read the Dalai Llama

What to expect when you're getting older

  There are a ton of pregnancy books telling you what's in store for you, but nothing telling you about getting older. Granted, it wouldn't be the most uplifting reading. I've discovered many things that younger people can expect in their future. 

  Basically, your body starts falling apart. One day you're eating something and come across something very hard in your food. Is it a rock? No, it's part of your tooth. I have two teeth that have broken apart. It seems to be the norm for my age group. There was an old man in the store the other day whose false teeth came out. "Goddamn teeth" he muttered. That's my future. 

  I've noticed steps hurt my bones. At first, I thought it was just the steps to my apartment. Then, I discovered it is all steps. 

  Remember pulling all-nighters or getting barely enough sleep to function? Yeah, you don't do that past 40. Eight hours is mandatory. You also have to sleep a certain way or you hurt. I sleep like Nosferatu- flat on my back. Any other way and I wake up with awful pain in my neck and shoulders. In your twenties, you usually discover this fact. How did you injure yourself? Oh, I took a nap. If I sleep on my side, I need an ice pack, Aleve and Icy Hot for the rest of the day. 

  When you wake up from this sleep, you'll have to pee. Now. If you wait, you can barely walk. You'll be walking to the bathroom like Groucho Marx. 

  So far, this is all I've noticed. Well, I forgot to mention how I seem to have lost my depth perception. I park like I'm ninety, about two feet away from the curb. 

  I'm sure more things will pop up. Until then, I'm going to savor my youth. 

  

New year's resolutions that probably won't happen

  Everyone has new year's resolutions. People are quitters and lazy, so they usually don't follow through on them. How many of us have had gym memberships only to go a handful of times? I decided to compile a list of resolutions that I know I'll never tackle. 

  • Read my unread library. Since I tend to possibly have a short attention span and a love of books, I have a big library of unread books. Continually, I tell myself that I'm going to finish some of these books before I buy another one. It's a similar thought to saying you're going to eat everything in your cupboard before you buy any more food. Yeah, right. Although, a book about Howard Hughes is a lot more tempting than a can of spinach. I feel if I get into more than 100 pages into Infinite Jest, that I may reach immortality. It's my Mt. Everest. 

• Finish my screenplay. I don't remember when I started it. I'm halfway through it. It's about a Jewish girl in WWII working with the resistance to kill Hitler. Even as my own worst critic, I think it's not bad. It might be better as a book. Will I ever finish it? Who knows? 

• Get a real bed. Since moving to Pittsburgh, there's been a bed issue. Luckily, in the first two places, there were beds I could use. In this place, I'm using an air mattress. It's enemy is my roommate's cat who punctured it. Normally, he just sits and stares at me in my room. A few weeks ago, he attempted a bed mount. The next day, my bed started deflating. What a dick. I inflate it every night only to wake up touching the floor while the ends are still inflated. It's like trying to get out of a waterbed. I usually have to roll out of, literally rolling out of bed. It's not an elegant roll. Inevitably, I roll onto something that injures me. Then, I groan some Danny Glover line about being too old for this shit. Since it's Christmastime & I had car problems, I haven't had money for a new one. My roommate said "Why don't you just get a bed?" I felt like pulling his spine out Predator style. Beds are expensive and it don't have a way to get one into this place. I'll most likely keep going through air mattresses for a while. 

• Get a hot body & do burlesque. Yeah, it's a dream. Similar to marrying Alexander Skarsgard. I work 40 hours a week. On my days off, I travel back to WV to see my boy. While there I have to take my mom around shopping which is mentally exhausting.  I think about exercising, but that's as far as it goes. I'm lazy. Latex dresses are not in my future. 

• Finish reading The Hobbit with my son. I originally read it to him in utero. We started it again about a year ago. After I moved, we haven't picked it back up. We're still on the barrels. 

  I'm sure I have more things I intend to not accomplish. For now, I'll keep it short. 

Things you might not know

  Lately, there have been a lot of social internet posts about things you might not know about someone that you know. Personally, I love these. Finding out obscure, interesting facts is one of my favorite things. I didn't read the posts too closely because you were supposed to post your own if you liked someone's status. I like someone's just because I liked learning their facts. But, ever since, I've been thinking about my own facts. I tried to compile a list, in no specific order.

1. My social security card has California numbers. The first three digits are the area where you were registered. Hence, why many people you know have the same first three numbers. My parents lived in a commune in California when I was a baby and registered me there. 

2. I'm afraid of taking a shower. I've tried but I freak. I start thinking of dragons or sea monsters because of water in my eyes. Believe me, I know it's nonsensical. Someone suggested it might be a form of claustrophobia. An ex tried to help me overcome it by showering with me. It quickly went from sexy to my cries of "Towel! Towel!"

3. I've never broken a bone. I make up for it in daily mishaps. Once, I fell down in my kitchen and landed on the dog dish. The dogs stared at me as I wept. I, also, fell down the stairs while pregnant. I heard Jeopardy coming on and rushed in my Hello Kitty slippers to see it. Not a good idea. 

4. We almost named Viggo, Alaric. We kicked around the names- Angus ( it's very Scottish) and Hector (I'd just seen Troy.)

5. Art Garfunkel kissed me when I was a baby. I have no musical ability which I attribute to the man stealing mine with his kiss. He's a musical vampire. Actually, my mom said he was a very nice man. He was traveling through Wheeling when we met him. 

6. Even bitter, I still retain my sense of humor. I checked my mayorships on Foursquare and discovered I'm still mayor of an ex's house. In what would be a great Yelp review, I wrote the tip "Where whores cheat with your boyfriend."

  I'm sure there are more, but not sure anyone cares to read more. 

Cat, please save me

  My mom was inquiring about how I get along with my roommate. 

  "Is he nice?"

  "Has he hit on you?"

  "Is he gay?"

 I assured her that I was safe and he has never hit on me. I don't know what goes on in her mind. Maybe she got hit on a lot in life. Or she may think I do since all of her elderly neighbors tell me I'm pretty. I assured her that I'm fine and maybe her neighbors can't see all that well. I rarely ever get hit on. That was until yesterday.

  I was sitting at home when my roommate texted wanting to know if I could let his friend inside to pick something up from him. This was a not a problem seeing as how I was laying around in my pajamas watching Supernatural. The knock came and I let him in and the fun began. He looked like my age, a bit older. He said "Wow, Steve's a lucky guy to get a roommate like you." Let me paint a picture for you. I'm wearing stretched out sweatpants, a shirt with toothpaste stains and my Gary Oldman glasses and no makeup. I also hadn't brushed my hair or my teeth, yet. His next words are "Do you party?" It was said in a very car salesman like manner. I had no idea what the shit he was talking about. I told him I didn't and quickly bailed to the kitchen. My only protection was the cat and any possible butter knives in the drawer. This guy took forever, too. He was supposed to be picking something up. What was the deal? I cleaned my Hello Kitty coffee pot over and over, hoping he would be finished soon. Finally, he came out of Steve's room. Then, he said "If you ever get lonely..." and winked at me. Yep, that happened. I felt like taking a shower after that comment. I was seriously creeped. As if I were psychic, I looked at the cat and said "Oh, I feel this isn't the end of this." Sure enough, I hear another knock a few minutes later. I tried to ignore it. But, he just kept knocking. I finally relented and opened the door. He claimed he left his jacket inside. The old George Costanza rat hat trick. I stood by the open door while he retrieved it. Luckily, he left without anymore creeping. 

  I debated about whether or not to tell my roommate. He thanked me for letting the guy in and mentioned he was an old roommate. I kept mum. He probably knows what this guy is like. Next time, I'll just conveniently not be at home. 

Pets are not for me

  As I was driving home after work, I saw a woman with a really big black dog laboriously picking up it's feces from a yard. I thought, that's why I don't have a big dog. Basically, that would be like picking up adult crap.  Just imagine walking outside with a friend when they suddenly crap in someone's yard and you have to clean it up. It's essentially the same thing. I'm glad I don't have any pets at this time in my life. My roommate has a cat. He routinely pukes in the living room. I think, that's all you, buddy. Not my cat. He's a nice cat, but even a cat is too much work for me. I have a child, a boyfriend and an unruly mother; that's more than enough.
  I always had pets growing up. Mostly dogs, a couple of cats. My mom always had dogs, but can't commit to loving anything and always got rid of them after a short time. As an adult, I had two Chihuahuas named Kiki and Queequeg. Queequeg was very well bred with long hair. Her father, Mr. Fancy Pants, was a show dog. She was a very well-behaved animal. At the opposite end of the spectrum, was Kiki. Puppy mill all the way. She was batshit crazy. Her eyes would kind of glaze over and she would go into this weird trance-like state where she would attack anything near her. It was like she didn't recognize her loved ones. It happened a lot when she slept. She loved to sleep in our bed, which was terrifying. It was like sleeping with a grenade with the pin pulled. One time, she got into a fight with Queequeg. It was ferocious. She became so agitated that her eyeball popped from it's socket. Viggo, who was three at the time, thought it was the funniest thing ever. Meanwhile, I was in tears. Bob kept an even head and got her to the vet. They had to sew her eyelid shut while it healed and she had to wear one of those cone things around her head. It was pitiful.
  When my marriage fell apart, I had to move into a place based on my income. Alas, I couldn't bring my babies with me. For some time, Bob's mom kept them with her Chihuahua, Piggy. One day, someone left the door open and Pig & Queequeg got out. No one ever saw them again. We suspect that someone took them. I hope that's the case. They were great dogs. I found a home for Kiki with a girl who had other Chihuahuas. I knew she was going to be well cared for. It broke my already broken heart. In a few months time, I lost my husband, two dogs and seeing my child everyday. It was a very depressing time.
  As much as I love animals, I doubt I'll have any again. It's a lot of work and love. Plus, as often as I move and work, I couldn't give them proper attention. It's very hard to find a place that even allows pets. When I start to sway and want one, I usually see cat puke in the living room and instantly change my mind.

Vacation

  I'm officially on vacation. Now, when most people hear that, they ask "Where are you going?" I then, tell them to "shut it." Alas, I'm poor. My brakes need fixed, so I'll be spending this week in my apartment. This does not bother me in the slightest because I need a break- from almost everything. I plan to try to get some things accomplished. I have composed a list of things, in no particular order.
  1. Clean- Laundry, car, room, my body, etc. There's a pile of laundry the size of a fat third grader hanging tough in my room. Since I have to go to a laundromat, I do it about as often as a teeth cleaning at the dentist. But, I'm running out of underwear and down to my fancy ones. The car really needs cleaned out. Maybe my tall boyfriend won't have to push garbage aside with his feet when he gets in.
  2. Start taking walks- I'm horribly out of shape. This is proven by my heavy breathing going up any flights of stairs. It's pathetic. I figure if I can start conquering the hills of my neighborhood, I can improve my health. Some of these hills look like San Francisco hills. The silver lining will be being able to keep up with my son and young boyfriend. Ain't nobody got time to be old.
  3. Finish some books I've started and haven't completed.-As someone who has diagnosed themselves with ADD, I often start books and don't finish them. It's usually because my interest/obsession has moved onto something else. There are a slew of books that need finished.
  4. Learn all the presidents in order- My own personal goal that will not benefit me in anything other than trivia and self-accomplishment. In Moonwalking With Einstein, I read about a technique called a memory palace. Things one wants to remember are associated with parts of a room or house. The person, then walks through the place in their mind as they recall the objects. It actually works. I used the technique in an acting class to learn a monologue. We'll see if I'm successful in a week.
  5. Click on Buzzfeed every five minutes- Not so much as goal as a reality.
  6. Learn another word in Russian that isn't a greeting or curse word.
  7. Spend time with friends and family- A good friend of mine had pacemaker surgery. I worried incessantly about her and want to see her. It would be a dream to see a few friends for dinner. We'll see if it happens.
  8. Save money- More like, don't spend money. I doubt this will happen since I need brake pads. Although, I'm off to a good start. I bought some groceries and have been making my coffee at home. I've resisted the urge to buy the new book of Hemingway letters (which is KILLING me.)
  9. Write more interesting blogs- this one is boring the shit out of me. When did I become so boring? Good gravy.
  I can't even get to ten. That tells you how much I like making goals. So far, I haven't been productive at all. I rearranged my room. Then, I went on a marathon watch binge of Scandal. I picked one of the trashiest shows to squander my time. It's the TV equivalent of US Weekly magazine. Today, I left the house only to go to McDonald's. Even my roommate has been more productive than me. He vacuumed the floor and unclogged all the drainpipes. Am I really going to let a stoner be more productive? I ponder this as I sip my McDonald's coke and watch Criminal Minds. I think that's a "yes." My plans for tonight include getting drunk and harassing my boyfriend. At least, I put on clothes and makeup today. That's more than I can say for yesterday.