Sunday, January 5, 2014

What to expect when you're getting older

  There are a ton of pregnancy books telling you what's in store for you, but nothing telling you about getting older. Granted, it wouldn't be the most uplifting reading. I've discovered many things that younger people can expect in their future. 
  Basically, your body starts falling apart. One day you're eating something and come across something very hard in your food. Is it a rock? No, it's part of your tooth. I have two teeth that have broken apart. It seems to be the norm for my age group. There was an old man in the store the other day whose false teeth came out. "Goddamn teeth" he muttered. That's my future. 
  I've noticed steps hurt my bones. At first, I thought it was just the steps to my apartment. Then, I discovered it is all steps. 
  Remember pulling all-nighters or getting barely enough sleep to function? Yeah, you don't do that past 40. Eight hours is mandatory. You also have to sleep a certain way or you hurt. I sleep like Nosferatu- flat on my back. Any other way and I wake up with awful pain in my neck and shoulders. In your twenties, you usually discover this fact. How did you injure yourself? Oh, I took a nap. If I sleep on my side, I need an ice pack, Aleve and Icy Hot for the rest of the day. 
  When you wake up from this sleep, you'll have to pee. Now. If you wait, you can barely walk. You'll be walking to the bathroom like Groucho Marx. 
  So far, this is all I've noticed. Well, I forgot to mention how I seem to have lost my depth perception. I park like I'm ninety, about two feet away from the curb. 
  I'm sure more things will pop up. Until then, I'm going to savor my youth.