New year's resolutions that probably won't happen

  Everyone has new year's resolutions. People are quitters and lazy, so they usually don't follow through on them. How many of us have had gym memberships only to go a handful of times? I decided to compile a list of resolutions that I know I'll never tackle. 

  • Read my unread library. Since I tend to possibly have a short attention span and a love of books, I have a big library of unread books. Continually, I tell myself that I'm going to finish some of these books before I buy another one. It's a similar thought to saying you're going to eat everything in your cupboard before you buy any more food. Yeah, right. Although, a book about Howard Hughes is a lot more tempting than a can of spinach. I feel if I get into more than 100 pages into Infinite Jest, that I may reach immortality. It's my Mt. Everest. 

• Finish my screenplay. I don't remember when I started it. I'm halfway through it. It's about a Jewish girl in WWII working with the resistance to kill Hitler. Even as my own worst critic, I think it's not bad. It might be better as a book. Will I ever finish it? Who knows? 

• Get a real bed. Since moving to Pittsburgh, there's been a bed issue. Luckily, in the first two places, there were beds I could use. In this place, I'm using an air mattress. It's enemy is my roommate's cat who punctured it. Normally, he just sits and stares at me in my room. A few weeks ago, he attempted a bed mount. The next day, my bed started deflating. What a dick. I inflate it every night only to wake up touching the floor while the ends are still inflated. It's like trying to get out of a waterbed. I usually have to roll out of, literally rolling out of bed. It's not an elegant roll. Inevitably, I roll onto something that injures me. Then, I groan some Danny Glover line about being too old for this shit. Since it's Christmastime & I had car problems, I haven't had money for a new one. My roommate said "Why don't you just get a bed?" I felt like pulling his spine out Predator style. Beds are expensive and it don't have a way to get one into this place. I'll most likely keep going through air mattresses for a while. 

• Get a hot body & do burlesque. Yeah, it's a dream. Similar to marrying Alexander Skarsgard. I work 40 hours a week. On my days off, I travel back to WV to see my boy. While there I have to take my mom around shopping which is mentally exhausting.  I think about exercising, but that's as far as it goes. I'm lazy. Latex dresses are not in my future. 

• Finish reading The Hobbit with my son. I originally read it to him in utero. We started it again about a year ago. After I moved, we haven't picked it back up. We're still on the barrels. 

  I'm sure I have more things I intend to not accomplish. For now, I'll keep it short.