Friday, July 5, 2013

My boy

  I get very sentimental this day every year. It's the most important day of the year for me- Viggo's birthday. I feel like life didn't begin until I had him. People always try to explain the feelings one has for their own child. It's almost indescribable. How do you describe something so pure and strong? It's completely focused and self-less. How can you love something more than anything else in the world? You wouldn't even think it's possible. It is. The old line about being a parent is the hardest thing to do is very true, too. No bullshit. There isn't any guidebook for all the twists and turns that come along. My hardest decision was moving to Pittsburgh. Although I see Viggo as much as I did in WV, I'm still an hour away. I can't just be there at the drop of a hat, so it's an emotional block. It's hard to make a decision where you have to accept that your life will be better, but you'll be farther away. I struggle with it all the time. I just have to remind myself that I would be sitting alone in WV just the same as sitting alone in PA. I still see him on my days off. In an ideal world, his dad and I never would've separated. Alas, it's not an ideal world. He had to learn that way too young. I know sometimes he resents me for the way things are. Someday, I hope he understands. The fact that I don't see him everyday tears away at my soul. We just make the best of it. He has the best dad a kid could ever ask for and that brings me so much comfort.
  The age of eight was difficult. Mom just isn't cool. There was lots of eye rolling and huffing and puffing. I feel nine will be similar. I'm told that they turn around at twenty and become your best friend. Great, only eleven more years. He'll just have to put up with me loving on him constantly and calling him my "baby bear". That'll never change. I'm proud of the boy he has become. He's smart as a whip and the coolest kid around. I love that I introduced him to Doctor Who and now he wears ties and vests. I love that when I look at him, I see both his dad and myself in him. I wish I could give him more of myself and more things in life. All I can do is be this flawed mom who tries her best. I wish I could express to him how deep my love for him is and how different I wish things were. Maybe he'll never understand my perspective or how deeply I love him. That's the perils of being a parent. Parenthood is like stumbling blindfold through a dark room. Maybe that's how it's supposed to feel. I just know that he's the reason I breathe. I know for a fact that he's the reason I make it through everyday. At my darkest moments, he's the only reason I've gone on. I'm so blessed and grateful to have him. He's the brightest start in my universe. What a blessing it is to be his mother. What a beautiful boy.