Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Nicknames

  I've decided that the best way to emotionally detach myself from dating is to give men nicknames. Whether you're just talking to them via text or messages or if you've actually been on a date, it's the best tactic. If I just call a man by his name, then I might place some seriousness on the relationship and when it doesn't work out, I'm hurt. Can't get that hurt if you give them a dopey name. Plus, it's very amusing and I must constantly entertain myself. It all started years ago when I met my friend, Eric, aka High Five. We had two dates, at the end of each he high-fived me. Yep, High Five. It's to the point where my friends don't even know his real name. We once told him his nickname and it made him sad. Luckily, he was drunk and doesn't remember. We're friends now, it's all good.
  I've even inspired my friends to do the same. We know a relationship might work out if the guy isn't given a nickname. Patrick, oddly, was never given one. Oh, hindsight, that name should have been "soul taker" or "heart evisceration specialist" or maybe just "whore". A good friend of mine never gave her guy one and they've been together for a year. I don't see any of my shit working out, so let the nicknames fly!
  Currently, there's Herps. We've had a couple of dates that seemed to go really well. All until he developed a rash near his man parts, freaked out and insinuated that I gave him herpes. You can imagine how well that conversation went. "Well, you're a complete dick and I didn't give you herpes because that's not something I have". Thanks for thinking I'm a dirty whore. It was actually a rash or something like it. He apologized profusely and I forgave him. Only, now he's known as Herps. Learn what things look like, dude. It's the age of Google.
  Another guy I'm talking to has been deemed Meatbus, due to the fact he told me he was hauling home meat on a bus. Took him three trips. I haven't given one guy a nickname, but it will never be serious. He's got his shit together. He deserves the respect of an actual name. Part of how much of a fuck up you are also determines your nickname status. If you don't get a nickname, you may also end up in my phone as number. I have a lot of Dude 1 and Dude 2. Sadly, I can't remember who some of them were. Usually guys who you text a bit with but never end up actually meeting. I swear I have two guys named Chase 1 and Chase 2 and I don't ever remember a Chase 2. This is depressing. It means I'm not making connections, sometimes deliberately. Maybe I'm evolving into a man. Taking out all of my emotional caring and just hanging out when I want to have a good time. Geez. Shoot me now. This sucks. I don't want to be that person.