Thursday, October 30, 2014

Take a day off

  I'm writing this in between breaks from eating. I'm one of those "emotional eaters" and eat my sadness. Anytime I feel down, I usually grab some comfort in food. This is why I have to refer to myself as "curvy" in dating profiles. I'm not overweight, but I'll never be thin in anyone's eyes.
  Life has just been stressful. I mean, everyone has their shit. Mine's the same as anyone else's. Work, love life, money, blah, blah, etc. I thought I was healing from my recent breakup with the Russian, when yesterday felt like a band aid being ripped off.
  We had a mutual break up, but were wishy-washy as to whether it was the right decision or not. My main issue was never seeing him.He's in school, which takes a lot of his time. I get it, I work full-time and have a kid. I'm the epitome of busy.  So, we split. There were texts and emails back and forth, debating about what to do. We agreed to the end of this month for a final decision.
  I had written him an email about a week ago, saying I care for him and I could deal with not seeing him while he's in school. The main thing is that we made each other happy. Quality over quantity. This was his response, I shit you not-"I'm recovering from some kind of illness. I don't know what it is. I have a ton of stuff to do now. I'll write you later." Days passed. I could only assume he had Ebola. Now, I kind of wish he had. He texted yesterday asking how I was and reminding me of our agreement. I told him I still felt the same. He told me he missed sex with me. Great. That's heartwarming. Thanks, buddy. But, he didn't miss me enough for us to get back together. Congrats. You've joined the list of men who have told me they are still physically attracted to me but hate my personality. It's a real pick me up. I've always thought the opposite about myself- I think I'm funny and kind and hate looking at myself. My heart is already a post-apocalyptic wasteland.  This is why people love pets. A fucking dog never looks at you and says "You're hot, but I hate talking to you." If one did, it would be a Youtube sensation.
  I feel raw again. Angry and sad. Crying in the bathtub. Hiding it from my child because he's already dealt with too many tears in his small lifetime. I fucking suck it up and eat my feelings. I'm so thankful I have him. He told me to take a day off today and not do anything. This is remarkable because he wants a sandwich every five minutes, just like my late grandfather. He's willing to forgo that for a day for my happiness and sanity. It's not going to happen. I have to do laundry. Besides, taking care of him makes me happy. My last bastion of happiness. I don't think anyone could ever fit into this household anyway. We're a very close knit duo. No man other than his dad ever fit in. No man ever will.
  Frankly, my chances are snagging someone at this age with my life are extremely slim. I have a better probability of being struck by lightning or attacked by a shark.  I think that was the mad panic for the idea of staying with the Russian. Hey, we don't have anything other than physical in common, but I don't want to be alone. It's not the right reasons. So, maybe he's doing me a favor. I haven't really craved a mate as much as before. Except when I see Adam Scott's character on Parks and Recreation for he is my dream man. Other than that, I'm fine. I think love is dead. It's not actually, It's just rare like a double rainbow or a retail day without any rude customers. The greatest couple I know is my sister in law, Nikki and her husband, Kirk. They have a true and beautiful love. It's the only thing that keeps me from thinking love is dead.