Thursday, November 20, 2014

Eharmony should be for blind people

  I'm becoming way too familiar with the various dating sites. Why have I become that girl? It sucks. In fact, I think this past month of being on these sites has created a deep depression. I had three days off and spent two of them wearing the same sweatpants and no makeup.
  I was on Eharmony for two days and that was more than enough. Granted, they ask a lot of questions to find someone compatible. Good strategy. I'm in complete agreement with that. What I didn't like was having to pay for this service. Three installments of having to pay for this service. But, that little inner voice was saying "You're not getting any younger." So, after payment, it whittled down my choices and I finally got to see some profile pictures. Sweet Jesus. It was not pretty. It was like a mix of a police line up and the next season of Biggest Loser (no offense to either of these institutions.) I then, narrowed it down to two guys, but it was still bad. Those were my options-two guys who I would never want to go out with. Basically, if I wanted to find my "perfect match", I had to accept that I wouldn't be remotely attracted to them. Total bullshit. After close to ten minutes on the phone with their operator, I got a refund. I recommend this site if you like your love in the dark or hate wearing your glasses.
  I had much better luck with Tinder, which is the exact opposite of Eharmony. Tinder is just a profile picture and you swipe left if it's a no and right if it's a yes. You can only communicate if you're a match with someone, which cuts down on most of the creeps. Of course, they still slink through. I had one guy send me a message asking if I "suck it". I responded by saying "No, but obviously you do." One guy was model gorgeous, but had a picture of Ted Bundy in his profile pics. After seeing his flat stomach, I declared if that was how I had to go, then at least I'd be pleased by the sight. Finally, I met one really cute, adorable guy. He stopped into the store and we seemed to hit it off. My co-workers declared we had chemistry. We texted back and forth for a week. Lots of witty banter. I loved it. And then, all of a sudden, he stopped responding. No reason. Quite depressing. I can't even get to first base. I decided I should start a new feature for dating sites- the exit interview. It doesn't have to be complicated. In fact, it could be multiple choice. You send something like this to the person you no longer want to communicate to-
  Hey (insert name), I'm not going to text anymore. Here's why(please choose as many as deemed appropriate)
  A. I found someone else.
  B. I got back with an ex.
  C. I think I'm gay.
  D. I felt meh about you from the start and decided not to continue our texting.
  E. I was just bored and you helped spend some of my bored time.
  F. I have Ebola and I'm quarantined.
  G. I'm dead.
  H. You're an emotionally, needy vacuum of a person.
I would appreciate a reason, whatever it may be. It's not asking for much. Hell, throw in some honesty. How am I ever going to learn if I don't know what went wrong?
  The media isn't helping my post breakup mood, either. If I hear of one more of societies rejects like Charles Manson or Honey Boo Boo's mom finding love, I'm going to drive my fist through the wall.