Thursday, October 16, 2014

Let's not talk about contraception

  I finally made it to the doctor a couple of weeks ago. It was my six month checkup, but I was geared up to find a solution to my month long pooplessness. Seriously, a month is way too long to go without using the bathroom. I was distressed. My usual doctor is a very nice, older Egyptian man. However, this time, I got a young, attractive Egyptian man. Of course, because I would be discussing my bowels. First, he starts off asking about my breast because last I was there I had a weird lump in my breast. Nope, all good, let's move onto worse things. After I painfully explain my situation, he starts to think. Any changes in diet? How often do you normally go? Then, for whatever reason, comes this question "Contraception?"
  "No" I shake my head, but this only puzzles him more.
  "The pill? Condom? Contraception?"
At this point, I'm really flustered and blurt out "NO, There's no one! There's no reason!" which seemed to solve the issue. All the while, my child is sitting in a chair in the room. I swear after that he seemed friendlier to me. Almost like he was considering the fact that I was manless. He sees old people all day, so a woman in her forties is like Kate Upton in his eyes. There were a lot of awkward smiles and gentle brushing away of my hair when he looked into my ears during the examination. Plus, I couldn't understand a word he was saying. Thankfully, my regular doctor came in, and to my chagrin, performed the exact same examination. He seemed to think my problem stemmed from changing my anxiety medication. For a month, I was on Paxil, not pooping and recently broken hearted. I was a bitch. Joan Crawford was probably nicer than I was that month.  He wrote me out a prescription and gave me two boxes of stool softeners. This seems to have solved the issue. God bless that man. I was singing his praises the first time I was able to go. I know this is all too much information, but if you're reading my blog I think you've surmised by now that too much information is my thing.
  Now, I'm fully regular, but still not needing that contraception.