Thursday, August 1, 2013

The thing I fear most

  Things change with age, that's a given fact. Fears are one of these things. The things I was once afraid of and I'm now afraid of are vastly different. When I was a child, I remember getting a ghost book from the book fair at school. I devoured it and that night was afraid to shut off my bedroom light. When my Grandma came to shut it off at bedtime, I yelled "No!" and the jig was up. The book was taken from me forever, probably to keep company with my Valley Girl book that was taken because of the word "bitchin'." In my adult years, I've found that ghosts and the dark no longer frighten me. It's the stark reality of life that scares me. The thing I fear most is love. I've been in love twice before and both of these men cheated on me and devastated my world. Now, things are going so well in my new relationship. I feel pangs of... I don't know what it is and I'm afraid to examine it. I don't want it to turn into love. Love=death in my world. For several nights in a row, I've had dreams where I told him I loved him with disastrous results. Easy to analyze that. I'm not terrified of commitment; it's the fear of abandonment and rejection that stifles my expression. A flower can't grow if it's constantly getting stepped on. So, I remain indifferent. I push any feelings to the bottom of my heart. When they surface, I dunk them like a frat boy does to his girlfriend at a pool party. I'm enveloped in this safe, little world where feelings don't exist. But, they do. They gnaw at my mind and my heart. I like him so much. And, I'm terrified of this. Maybe someday, he'll look into my eyes and express some deep feelings and then I can let go with all abandon. Until then, these pangs will be mysteriously vanishing like Jimmy Hoffa or Amelia Earheart. He makes me the happiest woman on earth right now and I'm not going to screw that up.