Friday, February 8, 2013

First rule of relationships: don't talk about relationships

  This past week has made me insane in respect to dealing with the opposite sex. That's all ages. From eight to 31, specifically. I've realized that I'm at the mercy of the male gender. Whether I like it or not, they dominate my day and emotions.
  First, there's Viggo. I don't know whether he's having trouble adjusting to our new conditions or it's just his age, but he's been kind of distant. I know, he's eight. But, hear me out. The past few visits have consisted of lots of eye rolling, huffing and back talk. Mom is clearly not cool anymore. Seven was a very affectionate age. Eight is like hanging out with a sixteen year old. He's not keen on me walking him up to the school door or giving him kisses when I buckle him into the car. The most recent development is the need for privacy. "Mom, can I get dressed alone?". I think he's discovered his penis. I'm not ready for any of this. He's still a baby. I just rewatched Louis CK's bit about being nine and obsessed with his penis. Being nine and rubbing against anything and everything. Once again, I'm not ready for this. When do boys get "the talk"? You can wait with girls until they're at least twelve.  I remember the talk. You're going to start bleeding once a month. Boom. Next week, I got it. It's like my mom and grandmother were witch doctors or something. They could sense the force. Thankfully, they told me in time. Can you imagine just finding that in your pants? No wonder Carrie set her school on fire with her telekinesis. Give somebody a heads up. That's shit you need to know. With boys it doesn't seem that urgent. You're going to constantly fondle this thing and let it run your life from this point on. You'll jizz in socks and do anything to satisfy that thing in your pants. Oh, and you''ll be emotionally dead inside with regards to women. Simple enough. Maybe his dad should handle this talk. I don't want him to change. I don't want him to become one of these frustrating beings that baffles the opposite sex. He's my baby bear.
  Onto my other passion for insanity- my current dating life. I've been seeing the same guy for almost a month now. We see each other every night. I sleep at his apartment every night. We hang out and say we miss each other. But, during one drunken, pinball playing night it all went awry. Somehow we got on relationship talk. He says he doesn't know if he's ready for one. He wants to take things slow. I'm fine with that. I just want to know that if I'm spending every night with you, that I have potential for a relationship. Motherfucker, I'm not going to spend every, goddamn night with you only to have you turn around and declare you like someone else. That's all I'm asking. It's just a common courtesy. If we're devoting this much time to each other, I want to know that he's not seeing other people. I don't need to label this thing or get married or any bullshit. I just want to know I won't get fucked around on. Clearly, this all stems from my last major relationship. He was married before, also. His wife cheated on him. So, I understand his trepidation. However, I guess he cheated on his last girlfriend. Kind of like, the universe owed him. Not cool at all. He broke some girl's heart and she never got over it. I can't imagine. So, in one fell swoop, he tells me he doesn't want a relationship at the moment and he's a former cheater. Granted, he learned he made a huge mistake. And, he says he really likes me. Maybe, I didn't take it all so well. I might have, maybe said "I was falling in love with you until tonight". Yeah, not the best line. He said "Oh, until tonight?". Yeah, until tonight. Then, I mumbled shit about scaling back my emotions. I remember a very good friend experience the same thing with her boyfriend when they first started going out. She didn't get the answers she wanted to hear. Guys just can't stand the thought of commitment. However, they're still together. It's like Fight Club. You just can't talk about it. It can be there and exist. Just don't talk about it. She advised me to just keep acting the same as always. So, I have. He has, too. For this not being a relationship, I sure get told I'm missed a lot. He fixed my broken headlight in my car. Because that's what casual daters do. Anyway, I'm just going to roll with it. My friend Amy said it best when she suggested to just enjoy whatever it is that we have for however long it lasts. In a bizarre way, it was freeing. I suddenly stopped giving so much care to the whole thing and just said "fuck it". If he doesn't want to get on board, I'll hit the next stop. I like him tremendously, but, I just can't emotionally burden myself. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship, myself. I don't have the best track record. I only have a sliver of a soul left after the last one. I can't take more heartbreak. Of course, I'm down for taking it slow. I just don't want to be misled. Women aren't casual about their emotions like men seem to be. We want to get into your mind and soul. You're supposed to write odes to us and have us be your muses. I don't know where it'll go from here. I've given up. I just really, really don't think any man wants a relationship. It's a new era. A dead, wasteland of an era. Love is just a mirage. I compare guys wanting a relationship to unicorns. You don't see any of those prancing around, do ya? Nope. They don't exist. In the meantime, I guess I'll just spend EVERY night with my guy friend. Who misses me when I'm not around. But, God forbid, I won't expect anything or ever want to label it. That's too traumatic. A woman mentioning relationships is akin to someone trying to touch a deer or grab a butterfly. Have you ever done that? NOOOO. They take off BECAUSE THEY MIGHT DIE. Enter the mind of a man. Relationship=death. It makes you feel like the old man from Phantasm, creepily pointing your finger and yelling "BOY!". We're not trying to drag you to hell. We just want to hang out and see you everyday, exclusively. I'm very easy to date. I let my boyfriends keep their space, hang out with their buddies, etc. You're two adults in a relationship. You're not his mom. Do your thing. Just don't stick it somewhere else. That's all I ask. It isn't much. I don't drag men to romantic comedies or take them shopping. I hate that shit. I watch Tom Hardy movies and curse like a sailor. I drink like Hemingway and talk about how great boobs are. I'm the best girlfriend you could ask for. I just don't want to be shot down before I can get going.