Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I may or may not have eaten ants this week

  This week has been a horror show in many ways. One of them is the fact that I may or may not have ingested some live ants. This was not a Bizarre Foods episode or even a dare. It was pure Erin stupidity.
  My child likes to leave bits of candy or cookies around and then wonders why he sees ants. The last time was due to two gumballs sitting in a dish where I keep my keys. Even though I disposed of most of them, there are a few rogue ants roaming around. One night, I was watching something on the computer and decided to munch on some Godiva candy my boyfriend had bought me. They were individually wrapped, hard toffee candies covered in chocolate, sealed in a large bag. Safe, right? I ate one. Delicious. Then, another. Something compelled me to glance at the third candy before I popped it into my mouth. It was covered in ants. Horrified, I dropped it. Did I just eat ants? Were ants on the first two that I ate? Hmm, that last one did seem extra crunchy. I didn't really want to know whether I did or didn't. It's like when you think you hit something with your car. Do you really want to go back and see that you've killed a raccoon or cat? Shit, no.
  The week has also been fraught with gross bodily fluids. Viggo has had three nosebleeds. I still have this sinus infection. So, phlegm reigns supreme over my ear, nose and throat area. Today, I got to clean shit off of the side of a toilet. If you shit on the side of a public toilet, you should go straight to hell. Not even a glimpse of the pearly gates. I'd like to think there's a special place in hell for public shitters.
  This sinus infection has been plaguing me for literally a month. Yesterday, it hit it's pinnacle. I was fevered and sweating. My entire top row of teeth ached miserably. I wanted to cry. Instead, I thought of the pioneers. This is what I always do when I'm sick. I think "What did the pioneers do before modern medicine? How did they handle sickness?" Think about it, a bad cold is nothing much to us, but to people long ago, it could have been a death sentence. If Pa is rocking a month long sinus infection, complete with dog sled cough and fever, then Ma is considering her options. Did people have back burners for their relationships? For any who don't know, a back burner is someone you keep in touch with in case your current relationship goes sour. Then, you have your back burner to move up to the front burner, a.k.a. your bedroom. Did Ma keep extra friendly with neighbor Fred in case Pa would get lost hunting? I was barely keeping it together with lots of Aleve and hot tea with honey. HOW DID THE PIONEERS DO IT?! I don't know why I go to pioneers. I'm sure people previous to them had it ten times worse. I should really be thinking about those living earlier. Black plague is nothing to sneeze at. I guess because the pioneers were on the cusp of what was to become modern medicine, it seems very sad to me. So close, yet so far away. If I don't think of pioneers, I think of the Hobbits. Yes, they suffered. One particular hard time at the dentist, I subdued my pain by thinking of their pain. They didn't even have shoes! Just their hairy feet. My pain meant nothing compared to their plight. Yes, I know some people think of Jesus in these cases. I don't. I think of the poor hobbits, trying their hardest to fight an impossible battle against evil and their rough journey. I guess whatever gets you through rough times.