Friday, June 6, 2014

Life as we know it

  The last two months have been hard to describe. There is a cornucopia of emotions that I experience on a daily basis. The fact that I can be sad and happy at once is a mystery to me. When I wake up, my first thought and realization is that Bob is gone and the impact that it's had on everyone. At the same time, I see this beautiful little face lying next to mine and feel immense happiness. I haven't been this happy in six years. Living without seeing your son everyday is heartbreaking. Getting to see him everyday makes me insanely happy. So, I juggle these vastly different emotions at once. Add the feeling of stress bearing down on me like a ton of bricks. Becoming a full-time parent at the drop of a hat is terrifying. So far, it's been going very smooth. I found a wonderful woman to watch V while I'm at work. I couldn't have found a more suitable person. He loves spending time there. It's things like that which make me feel that Bob is looking out for us. I have this internal battle with my atheism and feeling like his presence is around us. I feel like he's sending me signs that he's there watching out for V. On my hope chest beside my bedroom door, I keep bobby pins and flowers that I wear in my hair. Almost everyday when I'm getting ready, I'll look down to find one flower inexplicably lying on the floor. The dish they're lying in has raised sides, so it's impossible for any to fall out by accident. And, yet, there I'll find one at my feet accompanied by a feeling of calm. How can I feel something that I'm not sure I believe in?
  In addition to my insurmountable stress, I have my mother to deal with. We haven't been speaking since she told me she didn't care if she ever saw me again. I happily obliged her request. Over the past two months, she's become increasingly more mentally unstable. My diagnosis is she's bi-polar. Considering that she isn't on medication and sometimes drinks, it's a miracle she hasn't gone off the deep end sooner. While always cordial to Viggo, she's become monstrous to me. At my last visit with her, I told her she's been emotionally abusive to me for far too long. But, she's not stupid. She realized that with losing me, she also loses Viggo. About a week after I moved him up to Pittsburgh, the police came to my door. Apparently, she had called the police and told them that I wasn't taking care of Viggo. I understand they have to check these things out, but they didn't have to be such dicks about it. The ringleader was the smart ass.
  "Is there some reason you're not letting us see your son?"
  "Well," I replied, "he's in the bathroom."
V came out all happy and oblivious (thankfully). They asked if he was ok and if anyone was hurting him. I kept saying I didn't understand why they were there.
  "We didn't just pull your name out of a hat. We got a complaint" was the answer I received.
 They saw he was more than well-cared for and left. At the time, I had no clue what was going on. Later that night, Bob's sister, Cheri, texted me to tell me she got into it with my mom. Mom called her and told her I was a "liar" and wasn't taking care of him. She declared she was going to find him and take care of him herself. Cheri, God bless her, proceeded to cuss her out and scream at her. On top of everything I'm worrying about, I really don't need this. That line that people say about God not giving you more than you can handle is bullshit. I feel like that scene in Wild At Heart where Laura Dern tells Nicolas Cage she's pregnant and he sits down and lights up four cigarettes. Eventually, I'll get it under control. Thankfully, things are working in our favor (another thing I'm convinced Bob does for us). In the future, I can get us moved into our own place and we can attempt a normal life. As normal as it can be with a boy who misses his dad and a mother who is maniacally nervous about taking care of everything. As far as my mom is concerned, she can go fuck herself. I may not have lots of money, but I'm one of the best damn mothers out there. No one cares more for this boy than I do. I'd give my life for him and I'm doing everything in my power to make him happy. And, he is happy. So, my work is paying off. That's all that matters. We're a hell of a team. I hate our circumstances, but I love that we're together all the time. Seeing his happy face is the best thing on earth.