Wednesday, June 12, 2013


  I've been sick the past two days. When I'm sick, I compare the current sickness to past ones, kind of like relationships. This one is bad, but I've had much worse. The worst was when I threw up 23 times in one day. I was living in Columbus with Bob. Bob always thought I was a hypochondriac. In reality, I'm just a very sickly person. I get every sickness that goes around. Naturally, this time, he didn't take it seriously. Until he found me on the floor of the hallway near the bathroom and I informed him how many times I threw up. Even when I went into labor, he tried to talk me into waiting and going to the doctor the next day. On his behalf, I wasn't due for another month. Our views on my health were always at the opposite end of the spectrum.
  More recently, I caught an awful case of the flu when I was seeing NBF. He was very ill with the flu and I went to give him Gatorade. That's what caring, non-girlfriends do. Unfortunately for me, I caught his bug. I was having lunch with him and not feeling well at all. Thankfully, I left and made it home just in time to projectile vomit in my bathroom. I'm convinced I could have knocked a man down with the force of it. In addition, I was also violently shitting. That reminded me of having the flu at the same time as Viggo. He was in the bathroom being sick. I was urging him to be quick because I was sick. Then, he got to see his own mother shit her pants. One toilet + two cases of the flu=soiled mom pants and years of therapy ahead, I'm sure. It's probably karma for him drowning me like a shower in puke when he was three. He had a weird two weeks where he did nothing but puke. We thought he was fine, until we drove to WV to visit Bob's family and he rained puke upon me. He does this weird thing where he paces when he's puking, too. It's like a vomit fire hose. I puke silently like a model with an eating disorder. Then, I cry. Well, except for the last time I was sick. Then, I loudly barfed like a man. Men are so loud when they threw up. I remember Bob having the flu. It sounded like he was murdering seals in the bathroom.
  I think the worst part of this current sickness is how the toilet here doesn't flush all that well. Seeing the remainders of your revisited dinner only inspires more sickness. I made the mistake of thinking I was better last night and ate ice cream with the handsome Vasily. On our way back, we sat down to rest. Good thing, because I felt like I was going to simultaneously shit and puke. I kept this to myself. Not the impression you want to make on your new boyfriend. However, I couldn't hide it for long and ended up dying a bit on my bed. I've been here ever since, baking in the heat like Colonel Kurtz without his beloved followers. If I had a follower, they would have been sent to fetch me a Sprite. Hopefully, I'll be better tomorrow. For now, it's more rest and Arrested Development.