In the midst of illness, I spent some time cruising the Russian's neighborhood, hoping to run into him. I blame the fever. We didn't have much in common and the relationship would never work. I think I was maybe missing him or missing having someone.
I've also concluded that love is dead. Me, the hopeless romantic. Sad really. I was watching The Town. Ben Affleck's character was trying to get his girlfriend to run away with him because he's a bank robber and Jon Hamm was hot on his trail. I watched this scene and thought, "Oh, that's such bullshit. Guys can't fall in love." I realize that I seriously believe men are incapable of being in love. Bizarre, because I've been in love and have been loved. But, now I feel it's dead. It's a different age. People used to ride trains all the time. Now, no one does. Men used to fall in love. Now, nothing. This is a sad commentary on my perspective. So, if you're a man and you know me and you're in love, give me a pep talk. I think I'm worthy of love. I just don't feel a man can or will give it. I think something inside me died. Is it better to have loved and lost and to become a dead soul? I can still fall for someone. I fight these feelings like a knight in battle.
I'm hoping my fever will subside and my soul will find what it's looking for.