Monday, June 20, 2016

Dead soul

  I haven't posted in forever. Basically, there's not much going on. Well, other than illness. I feel like I've been sick for the entirety of May. I got hand, foot and mouth disease. I blame children. It's a virus, so who knows why it's called a disease. V had it first and passed it onto me. You run a horrendous fever for two days. Fever is accompanied by the worst muscle pain you could ever feel, literally bringing tears. Then, your fingertips feel like you just touched a hot iron. That's because weird red dots are rising to the surface. Those also form in your nose and throat. Some on your face. Luckily, all this only lasts for a week. Once I finally shook that, I immediately got sick again. Some weird virus. Fever and confusion. Honestly, it could still be the same illness. No idea. The scariest thing is that it can affect your brain, which is what I feel like is happening. When I'm fevered, the confusion and disorientation is severe. I've dubbed it "fever haze". It's getting better day by day. I shouldn't complain- there's so much worse going on in the world. But, everything is relative and I hate this sickness. 
  In the midst of illness, I spent some time cruising the Russian's neighborhood, hoping to run into him. I blame the fever. We didn't have much in common and the relationship would never work. I think I was maybe missing him or missing having someone. 
  I've also concluded that love is dead. Me, the hopeless romantic. Sad really. I was watching The Town. Ben Affleck's character was trying to get his girlfriend to run away with him because he's a bank robber and Jon Hamm was hot on his trail. I watched this scene and thought, "Oh, that's such bullshit. Guys can't fall in love." I realize that I seriously believe men are incapable of being in love. Bizarre, because I've been in love and have been loved. But, now I feel it's dead. It's a different age. People used to ride trains all the time. Now, no one does. Men used to fall in love. Now, nothing. This is a sad commentary on my perspective. So, if you're a man and you know me and you're in love, give me a pep talk. I think I'm worthy of love. I just don't feel a man can or will give it. I think something inside me died. Is it better to have loved and lost and to become a dead soul? I can still fall for someone. I fight these feelings like a knight in battle. 
  I'm hoping my fever will subside and my soul will find what it's looking for.