Monday, July 6, 2015

Somber thinking

  I'm having one of those nights where my solitude is my enemy. Rather than be productive, I'm sitting here thinking about so many things. My forethought is whether or not people are good for each other. How do we know? What if you weren't good for someone? How do you know? I wondered this about Bob. Was it good for him to have me in his life? What if my being in it, shortened his? I think its stemming from a lot of anger I have felt this past couple of weeks. He wasn't there for his sister's wedding or his son's birthday. I get so angry at life, at the universe. When I'm at these celebrations, I feel so guilty. He should be there. I feel angry that he's not. I get so mad that Viggo doesn't have him. He has me. It's so unfair. It's like a universe without the sun or moon.
  I feel like such a failure to him. We were married and supposed to have this unbreakable pact. I feel like I didn't give enough to him or try hard enough. I crawled into a shell when things went sour rather than fight. I didn't try hard enough. Why? We had a child together. A life. Why didn't I fight for us? We were together for so long. We never fought. It was so symbiotic. When life set in and boredom or whatever arose, why didn't we both kick it in the ass? I should've made him happier. That is truly my biggest regret in life.
  Regardless of any of that, we created an amazing boy. Just amazing. A little ball of genius, a weird sense of humor, a new little sun in the universe. Whether or not we made a good or bad impact in each other's lives, we made him. Everyday, he makes me laugh. There's elements of both of us in him, but, at the same time, he's a distinct individual. I wish Bob could see him now. His brain never stops. It's all my weirdness and all Bob's intelligence wrapped up in this tiny, little body.
  I often wonder how my relationship with Bob would've been. Would we have just remained friends? Would we have gotten to a point where we realized we were being ridiculous and find ourselves back together? It doesn't matter. In the end, I always just wanted him to be happy. If that were with me or anyone else. Thankfully, he knew that. I told him quite a few times. I'm glad we stayed friends after the split. All crosses were buried and hurts put in the past. The boy was our number one focus. So, I should just continue that strategy, I suppose. I can't lament what occurred. It doesn't help anything. I always worry about messing up other people's lives, though. How do you make sure you're a benign influence and not some malevolent presence in someone's heart and soul?