If you're obsessive-compulsive, don't read this (or read it over and over).

  When I started dating a Russian, I had no idea they'd be so superstitious. The problem with me is that I'm already obsessive-compulsive. Meaning, I've got my own weird superstitions. If you don't have this problem, then, you're fortunate. Imagine feeling like you have to do something a certain amount of times in a row just so you don't have bad luck. That's what it's like. It's something I moderately control, so it doesn't interfere with my life so much. However, now, thanks to my boyfriend, I now have new superstitions to follow.
  There's one similar to our "knock on wood" superstition, except you lightly spit over your shoulder three times instead of knocking. If you are talking about a physical injury that happened to someone and you show it on yourself, you have to grab the imaginary injury and blow it away from your hand. I was talking about my roommate's cat having a tumor in it's throat and I touched my own throat while describing it. My boyfriend interrupts me very seriously "No, babe, don't do that. Now you have to do this." He touches his throat, and blows this imaginary ailment from his hand like it was an eyelash. I was like, what the fuck is going on? I guess you do this to keep this injury from happening to you, too. He proceeded to tell me all the Russian superstitions he could think of in one night. Mentally, I took notes but they were hard to remember. There was something about meeting a woman carrying a bucket, but I let that one slip. Honestly, how many times could that occur in life? I was once again talking about the cat's tumor to a co-worker. I accidentally touched my throat as I was describing it and freaked. Confused about what to do, I blew from my hand AND spit over my shoulder three times. I must have looked like I was having an epileptic seizure. Dammit, I didn't want to have bad luck. When I told my boyfriend about the confusion, he just laughed and shook his head. "Babe, you just grab it and blow with your hand. You don't spit. That's for when you want something to happen." Silly me.
  I started taking these Russian superstitions so seriously. Apparently, you can't whistle inside or you'll become poor. Is that what's been going wrong all these years? I love to whistle, but screw that. It's humming from here on out. One night while we were eating, I dropped my fork. "Oh, a man is coming to see you", he said. "Or, maybe it's a woman. I forget." Which is it? He told me he'd research it. Exactly where does one find out this information? Does he skype with a grandmother in the motherland? You can't just lightly throw this information out to someone like me. It's gospel from this point on. If me dropping a fork means a man is coming to see me, then a man is coming to see me. These new rules are cemented in my brain. I just hope I never come across a woman carrying an empty bucket or I'm screwed.

OMG, I just exercised

  I just experienced ten minutes of cursing, pain and sweat. Yes, I finally exercised. Big deal, you say? Imagine someone with the willpower and motivation of Homer Simpson. I don't have any angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other; I have a devil and a fatter, lazier devil on the other. "Stay under the electric blanket watching Ancient Aliens" one says. "Eat something and then take a nap" says the other. There's motivation in my head, but it occurs when I'm at work. I get inspired to eat something healthy and exercise when I get home. The problem is that I'm on my feet for eight hours. After I get home, I'm emotionally and physically spent. You know how Mr. Rogers would change into his sweater and shoes when he came in the door? I throw on sweatpants and a thermal shirt the same way. That shit is on in less than a minute. If I could motivate myself to exercise like I motivate myself to get ready to relax, then I'd get somewhere. How can I harness this misspent energy? One answer-disgust with myself. I'm not talking about my laziness. I'm talking about my flab. This winter, I've definitely gained weight. Sad, but true.  I was wrestling with Viggo the other day and he pointed at my protruding stomach being held back with spanx and asked "What's that?" It must have looked like the walls of a dam before the water bursts through. Finally, tonight, I couldn't take looking down at that belly pouch. Lady, get a grip, I thought. Granted, I only did ten minutes of pilates, but in my world, it's like running a marathon. For now, I'll take baby steps. Maybe, or if, warmer weather arrives, I'll be able to take some walks. I have to do something. I feel like Brando when he was in Apocalypse Now. They had to change the fight scene with Martin Sheen because he was so out of shape. He should have looked at himself and said "Fuck, Marlon, get it together. " I'm going to try now before I'm past the point of no return.

Winter blows

  Like most people on the east coast, this winter is killing me. It's been a bombardment of snow, ice and bitter cold. This is the worst winter I can remember since '93. Geez, I sound really old making a statement like that. I only recall that winter because I lived with my grandparents at the time. My grandpap wanted me to shovel a tunnel from the back porch to the shed. He totally did one of those man things by telling me I was shoveling the snow wrong. Regardless, two days after I accomplished this task, I could barely move. I was a tiny lady back then. The winter now is miserable in so many ways. Walking is precarious. Tonight I slipped on ice and almost fell, twisting my back in a so not right way. My steps have become my daily Mt. Everest. When I make it to the front door, I feel like I should plant a flag by the door as a sign of accomplishment. Driving in this is even worse. My tires have been as bald as Patrick Stewart's head. My mom, bless her soul, lent me money for new tires. I can finally make it out of the space on my street without struggling. My apartment is pretty warm. That's because my roommate jams the heat. I half expect to see him walking around in Bermuda shorts with a Mai Tai drink, he keeps it so toasty. I miserly turn the heat back constantly. I grew up poor. You learn to layer your clothing and huddle under blankets, not rock the heat. But, I do keep my fingers crossed that the heat doesn't go out. It's happened twice this winter, which is always delightful.
  On the days when I grumble most, I get excited texts from my Russian boyfriend marveling over the snowfall. "Isn't it beautiful?", he'll declare. I'm glad someone can find the beauty. I can only worry about making it safely back and forth to work. These winters are probably nothing to my bf. I'm sure he's thinking we should suck it up. I should, at least. Maybe I shouldn't swear immediately upon exiting my front door in the morning. Sweltering summer will be here before we know it and we'll be whining about the heat. I'll just be happy when walking isn't like some high-wire circus act. Having the grace of a rhinoceros, it's only a matter of time before I fall down.

First world problems

  Let me start by saying that I'm very grateful to have a roof over my head. I don't take it for granted. However, I can complain about the constant problems where I live. At any given time, my roommate and I are doing without something. This week it's the kitchen sink. The roommate diagnosis is that the pipes are frozen. I think it's because of all the grease he dumps down the drain. Whatever the cause, it's hanging tough in there with an inch of stinking water that cannot be affected by a plunger. It makes me think back to some of the problems we've had here.
  In the five months I've been here, there's been quite a few. I'm trying to decide on the worst. It's a toss up between not having a light in the bathroom and the front door knob that fell off. Both of these problems lasted for two weeks. Imagine taking a freaking flashlight with you to pee in the night. Not fun. Plus, I missed the bathroom mirror to use to get ready in the morning. When I "put my face on" in my bedroom, I end up looking like a drag queen with no skills. The doorknob being missing meant we had to walk around the house to the back door, which had to be left unlocked. Neither of us have a key. Our only alarm system was the metal grate that you can't avoid loudly walking over to get to the back. I imagine maybe moonshiners in the south have the same alarm system.
  A couple of times, we've been without heat. It seems to go out on the coldest days. The polar vortex then resides directly in my soul as well as my room. My room is possibly the coldest at times. Imagine Harry Potter's cubby hole of a room attached a basement door and the draftiest window in existence. Voila, my room. Yes, I know I could move, but this place is cheap and I'm poor. The landlord does fix things in time. I think he's from eastern Europe. His philosophy, I'm sure, is to grow a set and deal with it for a while. Not being accustomed to luxury, I deal with it. It's not like Paris Hilton being dropped off at a farm. But, these things are still a huge nuisance. So, for now, I'll continue to wash my dishes in the bathroom and dream of a working sink.

Daily horoscope

  Even though I think they're bullshit, I read my horoscope everyday. Maybe I'm looking for a silver lining to what my day may potentially hold in store. Can you imagine one written from a realistic standpoint? I had an awful day, so I did.
  Monday- Don't expect to enjoy this day except for your lunch break when you read Buzzfeed articles. The rest of the day will be spent in a meeting where you'll hate yourself and 1-4 co-workers, feeling stupid and possibly fending off the flu. At night, you'll suffer from insomnia. Enjoy.
  Tuesday-Expect to feel tired from lack of sleep and still sick. Early in the day, you'll think about healthy eating and exercising only to eat meat loaf at night while watching The Good Wife.
  Wednesday-Really? Do you expect anything from this day? Who likes Wednesday? No one, that's who.
  Thursday- At some point today, someone will point out something that you jacked up. You'll feel stupid, Later on, you'll attempt to meet up with your boyfriend, only to misunderstand each other's texts resulting in a fight rather than dinner. He didn't read that vital text about where to meet. Meet him anyway. He's adorable and thrills your heart. You won't regret it.
  Friday- Your last work day. Expect to sit in about an hour's worth of traffic on your way to WV, all the while wondering if your car will make it. Listen to Joe Rogan's podcast and forget your worries. You get to see you kid tonight. That's what it's all about.
  Saturday & Sunday- These may be your days off, but not on your mom's watch. She will make you spend two hours at Wal-Mart, while she gets her groceries. You wouldn't want her taking that senior bus, would you? Expect your child to try to get a toy, complain about how hungry he is and tell you he saw his second grade teacher. Also, expect to see lots of pajamas and camouflage in public.
  This is a more accurate horoscope for me. It's not always like this, but I had a shitty day. If you want something positive, go read the Dalai Llama

What to expect when you're getting older

  There are a ton of pregnancy books telling you what's in store for you, but nothing telling you about getting older. Granted, it wouldn't be the most uplifting reading. I've discovered many things that younger people can expect in their future. 

  Basically, your body starts falling apart. One day you're eating something and come across something very hard in your food. Is it a rock? No, it's part of your tooth. I have two teeth that have broken apart. It seems to be the norm for my age group. There was an old man in the store the other day whose false teeth came out. "Goddamn teeth" he muttered. That's my future. 

  I've noticed steps hurt my bones. At first, I thought it was just the steps to my apartment. Then, I discovered it is all steps. 

  Remember pulling all-nighters or getting barely enough sleep to function? Yeah, you don't do that past 40. Eight hours is mandatory. You also have to sleep a certain way or you hurt. I sleep like Nosferatu- flat on my back. Any other way and I wake up with awful pain in my neck and shoulders. In your twenties, you usually discover this fact. How did you injure yourself? Oh, I took a nap. If I sleep on my side, I need an ice pack, Aleve and Icy Hot for the rest of the day. 

  When you wake up from this sleep, you'll have to pee. Now. If you wait, you can barely walk. You'll be walking to the bathroom like Groucho Marx. 

  So far, this is all I've noticed. Well, I forgot to mention how I seem to have lost my depth perception. I park like I'm ninety, about two feet away from the curb. 

  I'm sure more things will pop up. Until then, I'm going to savor my youth. 

  

New year's resolutions that probably won't happen

  Everyone has new year's resolutions. People are quitters and lazy, so they usually don't follow through on them. How many of us have had gym memberships only to go a handful of times? I decided to compile a list of resolutions that I know I'll never tackle. 

  • Read my unread library. Since I tend to possibly have a short attention span and a love of books, I have a big library of unread books. Continually, I tell myself that I'm going to finish some of these books before I buy another one. It's a similar thought to saying you're going to eat everything in your cupboard before you buy any more food. Yeah, right. Although, a book about Howard Hughes is a lot more tempting than a can of spinach. I feel if I get into more than 100 pages into Infinite Jest, that I may reach immortality. It's my Mt. Everest. 

• Finish my screenplay. I don't remember when I started it. I'm halfway through it. It's about a Jewish girl in WWII working with the resistance to kill Hitler. Even as my own worst critic, I think it's not bad. It might be better as a book. Will I ever finish it? Who knows? 

• Get a real bed. Since moving to Pittsburgh, there's been a bed issue. Luckily, in the first two places, there were beds I could use. In this place, I'm using an air mattress. It's enemy is my roommate's cat who punctured it. Normally, he just sits and stares at me in my room. A few weeks ago, he attempted a bed mount. The next day, my bed started deflating. What a dick. I inflate it every night only to wake up touching the floor while the ends are still inflated. It's like trying to get out of a waterbed. I usually have to roll out of, literally rolling out of bed. It's not an elegant roll. Inevitably, I roll onto something that injures me. Then, I groan some Danny Glover line about being too old for this shit. Since it's Christmastime & I had car problems, I haven't had money for a new one. My roommate said "Why don't you just get a bed?" I felt like pulling his spine out Predator style. Beds are expensive and it don't have a way to get one into this place. I'll most likely keep going through air mattresses for a while. 

• Get a hot body & do burlesque. Yeah, it's a dream. Similar to marrying Alexander Skarsgard. I work 40 hours a week. On my days off, I travel back to WV to see my boy. While there I have to take my mom around shopping which is mentally exhausting.  I think about exercising, but that's as far as it goes. I'm lazy. Latex dresses are not in my future. 

• Finish reading The Hobbit with my son. I originally read it to him in utero. We started it again about a year ago. After I moved, we haven't picked it back up. We're still on the barrels. 

  I'm sure I have more things I intend to not accomplish. For now, I'll keep it short.