Is everyone losing their shit?

  I don't know about the rest of you, but I think everyone is acting batshit this week. Most notable on this list is my mother. Sweet Lord, I need a break from her. When Viggo and I visited the other day, she spent her day slamming things around, grumbling under her breath (but distinctly loud enough for me to hear) and generally being a mean jerk. I've spent a lifetime of dealing with her insanity, Viggo doesn't need it. So, we left early. She cried and apologized, but honestly, I have to treat her like my bad, teenage daughter. She only learns this way. I'm just too tired to deal with her anymore. In my youth, I'd fight back with tenacity. Now, I get up and leave. Driving aimlessly around the Ohio Valley is much better than subjecting us to her terror. It would be splendid if she ever took medication for her insane moods, but that will never happen.
  People in Pittsburgh have been just as crazy. I watched one of my co-workers try to give out free samples of pumpkin cheesecake today, only to get rudely told "NO!" by about ten different people. Christ on a cracker, people, she was asking if you wanted a cheesecake sample, not an donation. What happened to common decency? I try to be nice to everyone. When I went to Panera and tried to fill up my coffee only to find three giant pots empty, I stayed calm. Ok, no I didn't, but I didn't take it out on any of the people who worked there. If you ask my boyfriend, I probably wasn't the most fun to be around, but I didn't act like a jerk. I almost punched a man from a trailer park who was shorter than me, but that's another story. He called my mom the c-word. She may be sir, but that's not for you to decide. There's enough horrendous things going on in the world, that I don't feel I need to add any of my bad feelings to it. Because of that, I'd like to think I'm liked for my sunny disposition. All I know is that I'm staying inside tonight, away from all the crazies.

The promise of bacon

  The other night I bought a candy bar that had bacon and potato chip bits in it. Before devouring it, I thought about its potential. Combining three delicious components may be the best thing ever. I would crave it everyday. What if it were hard to find? After taking a bite, I realized what a disappointment it was. The bacon was a fake bacon flavor & the potato chips were barely perceptible. It was like many things in life- you look forward to them so much, only to be disappointed. 

  I think it's similar to getting mad at my boyfriend the other day for being sick. We see each other once a week & spend a blissful night together. It's only one day a week due to work & school schedules. But, that night is always so much fun. So, when he told me he was sick & couldn't stay over, I got irrationally mad. It's like anticipating that candy bar only to find out the bacon is fake. Being a woman gives me license to get mad over ridiculous things. Being a man made him apologize for being sick. He's such a wonderful man that he even gave me a card saying he loves being with me, but he can't when he's sick. I think it also qualifies me as a jerk and him as the best boyfriend ever. I've never had such an attentive boyfriend. If I had to experience all the pain and heartache from past relationships again just to get to this point, I totally would. He's so worth it. 

I'm cranky and going to complain now

  This day sucked. In fact, this past month has sucked. I've been sick for literally 5 weeks now. The bronchitis that keeps on giving. Granted, it's a lot better, but I'm still coughing like a TB patient. I can't be my usual cheery self because I have coughing fits when I laugh. Bill Burr came to Pittsburgh and I couldn't go because I would've ruined his show with my sled dog sounding coughs. To make matters worse, I live in a mold infested house that is never cleaned and smells to high heaven like pot smoke. Oh, that's because it's full of pot smoke. My roommate smokes like he's auditioning to be in a Cheech & Chong remake of Up In Smoke. It fucking stinks. He's momentarily not here and it still smells like pot. It's not even good pot. I can tell by the smell. I've been around people who smoke good pot and this is light years away from that. There's no respite here for my lungs. I clean the hell out of this place. When I moved in, there was black mold everywhere. And here's my roommate, just hanging tough with it. Most of it just wiped right off with a sponge. Oscar the Grouch is probably cleaner.
  My car sucks. My back window has inexplicably decided to fall down and not stay up. I've resorted to taping and gluing it. I still have the ongoing problem of it overheating. Now, my breaks are squeaking. It's a piece of shit. Fuck you, J.D. Byrider.
  However, I have some good days with Viggo and usually one day a week with my boyfriend. We spend one night a week, drinking wine, eating cheese and snuggling like madmen. What would I do without him?

Never a dull moment

  There I was driving along, eating Doritos and listening to the Greg Fitzsimmons podcast when I notice a huge spotlight on a car on the opposite side of the highway. Odd, I think, but keep driving. My mind wonders to Charles Manson since I'm driving through his hometown of McMechen, WV when I notice flashing cop lights behind me. I quickly pull over, heart racing. I'm thinking, what the shit? Do I have a headlight out or something? It's labor day weekend and cops are hardcore in McMechen anyways. A very young cop walks up to the window and asks where I'm coming from. "Uh, Moundsville" I reply. He looks over my car and I hear chatter on his radio about a blue Malibu. He quickly responds "I have one pulled over, but it's not it." Apparently, there was a hit and run. He apologized about the mix-up and drove off. I thanked any higher being listening that I wasn't a black man at that moment or I would surely be handcuffed right now. McMechen cops are severe. I had one make me cry once. Lucky for me, I was just an innocent, perplexed lady driving home to Pittsburgh. So, I was just panicked the rest of the ride through WV thinking I'm going to experience this again. Maybe the next one won't be so sure. My car is pretty banged up. I hit black ice once and slid all over God's green earth. My back bumper is scraped from hitting a fence after I hit a duck. My left side mirror is loose from almost getting knocked off by my old roommate's drunk friend. I don't know if this person hit another person or a vehicle. I was getting out of Dodge. I made it home without further incident, but it took a while for me to calm down. I'm taking these asthma pills for what I think is bronchitis. The downside is that they contain Ephedrine. Quite rightly, they suggest avoiding caffeine as your blood pressure will rise. After this, my heart was beating like a ball in a raquetball court. The stress also exacerbated my cough. I sounded like a Tuberculosis patient that just took a hit off a bong. I made it back to the mold infested house that I feel gave me this infection, never being so happy to see this place. I think I need a day off from my days off.

Gay sex scandal brings couple closer together

  It's been a weird couple of days, to say the least. It all started with an email saying "your man is getting some...beef, on the side." My very first thought was my written response back "I don't think you know who I'm dating." I got the uncomfortable response of "Russian, handsome 6'2"ish medium coarse brown hair. Wise beyond his years. Packing. Sound familiar?" Shit. I was seriously worried. I've been lied to very successfully by men before and was terrified. I had that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I immediately text my guy asking what is going on. Of course, he was clueless. Still, I believed more in my guy than this stranger, so I wrote back "This is all public information. Anyone can find this out". The mystery writer responded with "Public information out there? yeah, duh! Which is why i thought talking about his slightly callous yet gentle touch would be more indicative...I mean names and shit are all over it's the 8" thick that I've discovered." This is when I freaked. My guy has calloused hands and a gentle touch. Fuck. Then, the kicker. A photo arrived. A graphic photo. Some guy's ass getting reamed. And the butt kind of looked like my boyfriend's. This is when we got into an uncomfortable back and forth via text and messaging. Things like "I want to believe you but this ass looks like yours" and "Babe, I could maybe understand if they were implying a woman, but a man?!" It was not the discussion you EVER want to have with your loved one. Naturally, he defended himself. First, with humor. Then, with slight anger. I kept getting more and more paranoid. It finally got to the point where I said I would have to compare his actual ass/back with the picture. He agreed.
  We planned to meet that day at a coffee shop. I was at the street corner and saw him across the street. All of my anxiety and anger dissolved. Seeing that handsome face that was there to prove himself to me made me the happiest woman. I ran into his long arms. Frankly, I didn't care if some guy had pegged him, I loved him. Maybe he had an experimental phase. Maybe he did it for money. I was going to examine his body, plead with him for the truth and get to the bottom of it.
  After a quick examination of his ass and back, I concluded that it wasn't him in the picture. For one, the guy in the picture was very pale. My guy is tan year round. Especially now. He's almost another race at this point, he's so dark. There's also the marks on his back from when he fell off a skateboard and scabbed up his back. These were absent from the picture. He has a birthmark on his right cheek, the picture didn't. The asshole was hair free, my guy's was thick with pubic forestation. The guy in the picture had some back fat. My guy is skinny as a rail. Seriously, I marvel at his body. He could be a male model. I get a lady boner looking at his flat, tan stomach.  Also, this guy was clearly "taking it". My guy is definitely not a "bottom". Things just weren't adding up at all. I decided to believe in him and the evidence.
  I had emailed back, asking for more information. I said I didn't want to go in, guns blazing without evidence. They declared they weren't going to get more involved to protect their heart. And, they jokingly said it wasn't all about me. So, I wrote back that I understood. It must have touched them in a way because they wrote back, confessing that it wasn't him and that they made the whole thing up. They admitted they were mad at the world and jealous. Saying it was childish, they apologized. But, by this time, I had fully committed to believing my boyfriend and buried it. We had a great night together that night. We talked and were very passionate. After the confession, I told my boyfriend that somebody other than me was in love with him. He wrote back that he, too, was in love. We admitted to each other how madly in love we were. In the end, it brought us closer together. Then, we had to laugh thinking about how we now both have a picture of some guy's ass on our computers. I apologized to him and thanked him for putting up with my interrogation. What a man. Most guys would've lost their shit. He calmly pulled down his pants and let me examine his ass. That's a keeper if I've ever seen one. I was sad to realize that my past relationships came back to haunt me. I want to trust him implicitly, but there were clearly some fears underneath the surface. That's something I need to work on. Meanwhile, I'll continue to fall deeper in love with this wonderful man. I'm very blessed and SO relieved that my guy is not a bottom.

The depth of my disdain for people is immeasurable

  That should be the title to my blog- The depth of my disdain for people is immeasurable. At least for this week. I really despise human beings and want to curl up in a fetal ball in a basement by myself.   It started off with a grand ole' message from a girl on the dating site. I kept thinking of deleting my profile and kept forgetting. It took one big asshole to remind me that I should get right on that. I received a message from an 18 year old girl saying something like "This little piggy cried because she couldn't find a boyfriend. Change your pictures, Grandma." I have so many issues with this that I don't even know where to begin. First, I don't know why she's even looking at my profile. When you log onto the site, it only brings up what your sexual preferences are, like for straight women, it only brings up men's profiles. How did this girl come across my profile? Secondly, why does she keep repeatedly looking at my profile to know I haven't changed my pictures. In one fell swoop, she insinuated that I was fat, lonely and old. I may be a bit chubby, but I'm not fat at all. I wear a size six. Unbeknownst to her, I, in fact, have a boyfriend. A rather attractive one, at that. And, I really don't consider myself to be old. Besides, everyone's genuinely shocked when they find out my real age, so I don't look as old as I am. These were all the thoughts swirling around in my head. Then, I rationally thought, maybe she's jealous or something. Maybe one of her guy friends likes my profile. Who knows? Who cares? I hope she chokes on her dinner.
  The next fun event was my mom calling me, hysterical, saying someone took her cat. She lives in a high rise building for seniors that can care for themselves. Rationally, no one would have any reason for taking her cat. I tried explaining this to her over the phone. Normal words came out of my mouth like "Are you sure she's not hiding?" and "Why don't you call the office and see if anyone had to enter your apartment for any reason?" I was met with "Why did they take my cat?" and "I knew this would happen!" This is when I reminded myself that I have an emotionally and mentally unstable mother who isn't rational. Of course, she found her cat in the hallway. It must have slipped out when she went to the store. But, by this time, she was in full-blown hysteria, which she feels can only be cured by drinking. So, then, I had a night of drunken phone calls. I was supposed to come down for a visit the next day, but that got nixed. She's like a child; I have to really enforce some kind of punishment when she screws up. For her, that's not seeing Viggo. I just will not put him through any of that bullshit, and she needs to be reminded of that. Instead, I brought him up here for a visit.
  Which brings us to the third shitty thing of the week- my boyfriend flaking out on me. We were supposed to meet up on my day off and he could meet Viggo. Kind of a big thing in my world. I told Viggo about him and that we would all do something together.  Then, I start getting these texts about how he's depressed and not sure he can meet. Eventually, he cancelled altogether. Which would have been fine, had it been just me. But, cancelling on Viggo sucks. I then have to explain to him that our plans have changed. Plus, it put me in a bad mood. My days with Viggo are very important to me since our time together is limited. Anyone that affects that in a bad way, makes me upset. Despite all of that, we had a blast together. Thank goodness I have him or I would probably just bust people/things with a baseball bat.
  Some good things did happen. I got a Hello Kitty coffee maker. A crazy Italian man blew kisses at me as we passed at a red light. (I'm assuming he's Italian from my stereotype of how Italian men love women. And, also, foreign men like me more than American ones for some reason.) I spent great quality time with my kid. Yeah, that's it. For more bad- a ceiling tile in my bathroom fell out and gross shit is now hanging from the ceiling. The landlord never made it over to fix it, yet. It seriously looks like green acid from Alien should be dripping from it.
  Jack White apparently hates the Black Keys. This bummed me out. How can a man I love so much hate a band I love so much? An email to his ex-wife leaked out. Their children go to school with Dan Auerbach's kids and Jack White doesn't want to sit together with him at school functions. Damn. In my world, this would be like Michael Fassbender hating Jon Hamm.
  I know these are all first world problems, but they put me on edge. I feel like punching someone. My level of disappointment and anger for people is overflowing. I guess it's just disheartening when your loved ones let you down. It happens and I'll get over it, I just won't quickly. For now, solitude is the best recovery.

The thing I fear most

  Things change with age, that's a given fact. Fears are one of these things. The things I was once afraid of and I'm now afraid of are vastly different. When I was a child, I remember getting a ghost book from the book fair at school. I devoured it and that night was afraid to shut off my bedroom light. When my Grandma came to shut it off at bedtime, I yelled "No!" and the jig was up. The book was taken from me forever, probably to keep company with my Valley Girl book that was taken because of the word "bitchin'." In my adult years, I've found that ghosts and the dark no longer frighten me. It's the stark reality of life that scares me. The thing I fear most is love. I've been in love twice before and both of these men cheated on me and devastated my world. Now, things are going so well in my new relationship. I feel pangs of... I don't know what it is and I'm afraid to examine it. I don't want it to turn into love. Love=death in my world. For several nights in a row, I've had dreams where I told him I loved him with disastrous results. Easy to analyze that. I'm not terrified of commitment; it's the fear of abandonment and rejection that stifles my expression. A flower can't grow if it's constantly getting stepped on. So, I remain indifferent. I push any feelings to the bottom of my heart. When they surface, I dunk them like a frat boy does to his girlfriend at a pool party. I'm enveloped in this safe, little world where feelings don't exist. But, they do. They gnaw at my mind and my heart. I like him so much. And, I'm terrified of this. Maybe someday, he'll look into my eyes and express some deep feelings and then I can let go with all abandon. Until then, these pangs will be mysteriously vanishing like Jimmy Hoffa or Amelia Earheart. He makes me the happiest woman on earth right now and I'm not going to screw that up.