I actually liked 2016

  Almost four years ago to the day, I started this blog. At the time, I was very despondent, having been dumped by the boyfriend that I was madly in love with. Of course, hindsight is 20/20. I'm glad he dumped me because it was a toxic relationship. He cheated on me and left me for that girl, all around the time of a breast cancer scare. If there were a douchebag measurement scale, that would be near the top. But, at that time, I didn't know what to do. I think my friends were beyond tired of hearing my sob story. So, I turned to my own words for some kind of comfort. Since then, I've found sadness, humor and some interesting stories in the dating world. Until recently, I've been very quiet because I didn't want to jinx things.
  Six months ago, I had just come back from a very bad second date. That date ended with an awkward hug and no follow up call. I finally declared that I was finished with dating. Many times before, I had made that statement, but this time it was for real. If  I couldn't get through a successful second date, there really wasn't any hope. I wasn't getting any younger. I had a failed on-again, off-again relationship with the Russian. After that, it was a smattering of bad dates. There were a few potentials in the middle. But, anyone I kind of liked ended up flaking out and the others weren't worth my time of day. This last day was the straw that broke the camel's back. I remember skipping a friends birthday party because I was so depressed after this disaster date. I had work and my kid to focus on.
  The next day after work, I got a text. It was from a guy on Tinder. We had tried to meet up a few times, but something always fell apart. He lived quite a distance away and it wasn't easy getting together.  Honestly, I'd given up on ever meeting or hearing from him again. But, here was a text asking if I was free that night. The kid was in WV and I was finishing work early. I figured, what the hell? I knew nothing would come of it. I told myself to just go out, see a different area, get a drink and enjoy the night. I had no expectations. Seriously, I had given up. Love was not out there. It didn't exist.
  We had agreed to meet in Greensburg, close to where he worked as a chef. He chose a bar, Mr. Toad's, that neither of us knew. I got there early and ordered a gin and tonic. It was cozy, little dive bar with a friendly atmosphere. After a few minutes, a man entered whom I recognized from his profile picture. Very tall, quite handsome. I was very happy with that outcome. We hugged and ordered more drinks. I was surprised to find that he was actually British, funny, and very intelligent. After an hour, I remember thinking that this was one of the best dates I'd ever been on and hoped it wouldn't end. We ended up leaving, going to his apartment, where I got to meet his dog. After that, my lips are sealed on any details. But, to my surprise, we had more dates. Each one was just as fun as the first. He became a daily fixture in my life and I in his. I had butterflies in my stomach when I thought of him.
  Six months later, as I write this, we're almost a month into living together. I love every minute of it. Sure, there have been fights and normal couple things. The first night in the house, we had a monstrous fight. We were beyond tired from moving the previous days. He was asleep in the very back room. I was taking a bath, drinking wine, eating cheese, and listening to music. Unbeknownst to me, it was all very loud. He trudged in and told me I was "obnoxious". I replied that he was a "dick". We can laugh about it now, even though, at the time, there was certainly no laughter.
  I don't know for sure how he feels about me, but I'm over-the-moon for him. I don't know if he'll ever fall in love with me, but I'm happy with him everyday. I get so excited thinking about coming home to him. He's so good with the kid, too. Like I said, I don't want to jinx it. Just know that my silence meant happiness for once in my life. A miracle happened- I believe in love again.

Bad Moon Rising

  My bad week almost culminated in choking on a piece of cheeseburger as I sang along to Oasis in the car. I suppose my son could've sued McDonald's or one of the Gallagher brothers had this happened. In my mind, it just proved how bad my week has been. 

  Now, it's not the serious kind of bad- there have been no deaths or serious maladies. It's been the stub your toe & it escalates kind of bad. There has been some good. I had one really fantastic date. Ok, that's the only good thing that happened. 

  The bad luck started with a bad second date (different guy from good date-good date was after bad, second date).  Second dates should go well, you'd think. I'll call him "Jimmyjohn". That's what my friend dubbed him because he actually has a name that is two first names together. Decide on a first name, right? I can't really talk, I had a stuffed gorilla when I was little named Harryjackblack. I liked all three names and couldn't decide on one . Anyway, we had a pretty decent first date. This time, we met up for a drink and then dinner. Things probably went south when I asked him if he would ever try eating human flesh. On my behalf, he had mentioned eating cow tongue. Naturally, this is a great segue into my question. Judging by the look on his face, I realized my mistake. I'd had a strong dirty martini, so I then yelled "Oh, c'mon, you know you'd be curious!" Apparently not. The date ended in a very awkward hug. My lips accidentally brushed against his in the release of the hug, so I'm sure he thought I was trying to kiss him. 

  A night or so later, I had my fabulous date. We're not going to speak of it-no jinxes. I woke up the next day happy  until I realized I couldn't find my debit card. My phone case has a card slot where I always keep it. It's been a little loose lately. The little voice in my head kept telling me to put it somewhere else or I'd lose it. That voice also kept telling me to eat large amounts of cheese, so I ignored it about both issues. Little voice was right (about the card, not the cheese). I figure it had to have been lost in the car, in my apartment, or at Sheetz. Not the end of the world. A quick call to the bank. My change purse had some cash in it for the toll road I hit driving to my good date. Then, I somehow lost my change purse. That involved spending my lunch getting money out of the bank. It was fine, I didn't have money to buy lunch. The bank told me they could've immediately issued me a new card had I come there instead of calling the customer service number. Great. I'll keep that in mind for next time. With my luck, there will be a next time. My dumb luck has taught me a lot. Prepare for car trouble- keep water, oil, blankets, etc with you at all times. Prepare for any issues at work by carrying in your purse-tampons,  pads, Excedrin, safety pins, Icy Hot. Prepare for heartbreak at all times- tissues, Florence & the Machine lyrics, wine, dead soul. 

  Money was an issue for the week. Big deal. Go to work and forget about your problems? Nope. Go to work and have an even worse week. I realized  it's a full moon and it's obviously  affecting customers in a very bad way.  

  On a happier note, I found my change purse, got my replacement card, and had a couple of days off. I pray my sanity makes it through the weekend. 

Happy birthday

  Twelve years ago, on July 4th, I thought I was having bladder trouble. I was eight months pregnant. During that last month, I had heard that this occurred. But, my issue was severe enough to warrant a pad to soak up the issue. "This last month is going to be rough" I thought. Little did I know, my water had been broken and was slowly leaking out. I was about to go into labor. 

  I spent the day at work at the bookstore, changing my pee pad regularly. Bob and I went out to dinner after work. Later that night, we stopped at the store to look at cribs. We had a month left to prepare for our little guy. Or so we thought. 

  Around midnight, we got home and I noticed a bit of blood in my urine. I told Bob that we should go to the hospital. 

  "Well, if you think it can't wait until morning", he replied. He was very nonchalant. I was scared. 

  "Yes, we have to go to make sure everything's ok." 

  Bob spent a lot of time with me at the doctor making sure things were ok. Needless to say, they always were. He and my doctor always got a good laugh at my expense. I tended to freak out a lot while pregnant. His hesitance to forgo sleep over this was evident. 

  When I walked into the emergency room, my "bladder issue" was in full force. I had to walk with my legs crossed to keep from soaking myself. We explained my bladder issue to the attendant. 

  "Yeah, you're in labor" he explained in a very bored manner. 

  I laughed.

  "No, that's impossible-we have a month left to go". 

  After being examined and having a second person tell me that labor was imminent, shock set in. We're we having this baby and we weren't ready. Bob and I stared into each other's eyes and burst into tears. Then, the labor pains started. All the pain I've ever felt could not even minutely compare to this pain. I gladly accepted any drugs they offered. I probably would've taken a crack pipe if it would've helped. Ladies, how do we do it? And, men, you have no idea. 

  After that it was the typical long wait. Bob's family traveled from WV. His dad watched my labor spikes on the monitor. I'm a badass with pain-I never show it. So, he was fascinated. 

  "Bob, look at that spike! She must be having a labor pain. Look at her, she's not even reacting!" 

  Finally, my body was ready to push this baby out. I was ready for that epidural. However, my epidural guy went to the wrong room. There were 14 other women delivering that same day. It was a shitshow. After much time and confusion, I got my epidural. Finally, the bliss. I couldn't feel a damn thing. They told me to push. I laughed the whole time because I was so numb & couldn't tell what I was doing. Next thing I knew, a baby was crying. His first action was to pee on the nurse. He's been making his mark on the world since. 

  I feel like this was yesterday. Now, his voice is deeper and he's almost a teenager. My only regret is that his dad isn't here. It was the three of us in the beginning. He's shed a lot of tears the past few nights over his dad. I hold him tight and tell him he's there, watching over him. 

  I've never loved anything as much as I love this boy. He's the best thing I've ever done with my life. This makes this the best day of the year, every year. Yes, I spoil him. But, he deserves it.  

Dead soul

  I haven't posted in forever. Basically, there's not much going on. Well, other than illness. I feel like I've been sick for the entirety of May. I got hand, foot and mouth disease. I blame children. It's a virus, so who knows why it's called a disease. V had it first and passed it onto me. You run a horrendous fever for two days. Fever is accompanied by the worst muscle pain you could ever feel, literally bringing tears. Then, your fingertips feel like you just touched a hot iron. That's because weird red dots are rising to the surface. Those also form in your nose and throat. Some on your face. Luckily, all this only lasts for a week. Once I finally shook that, I immediately got sick again. Some weird virus. Fever and confusion. Honestly, it could still be the same illness. No idea. The scariest thing is that it can affect your brain, which is what I feel like is happening. When I'm fevered, the confusion and disorientation is severe. I've dubbed it "fever haze". It's getting better day by day. I shouldn't complain- there's so much worse going on in the world. But, everything is relative and I hate this sickness. 

  In the midst of illness, I spent some time cruising the Russian's neighborhood, hoping to run into him. I blame the fever. We didn't have much in common and the relationship would never work. I think I was maybe missing him or missing having someone. 

  I've also concluded that love is dead. Me, the hopeless romantic. Sad really. I was watching The Town. Ben Affleck's character was trying to get his girlfriend to run away with him because he's a bank robber and Jon Hamm was hot on his trail. I watched this scene and thought, "Oh, that's such bullshit. Guys can't fall in love." I realize that I seriously believe men are incapable of being in love. Bizarre, because I've been in love and have been loved. But, now I feel it's dead. It's a different age. People used to ride trains all the time. Now, no one does. Men used to fall in love. Now, nothing. This is a sad commentary on my perspective. So, if you're a man and you know me and you're in love, give me a pep talk. I think I'm worthy of love. I just don't feel a man can or will give it. I think something inside me died. Is it better to have loved and lost and to become a dead soul? I can still fall for someone. I fight these feelings like a knight in battle. 

  I'm hoping my fever will subside and my soul will find what it's looking for. 

Yeti

  It was a show about Yetis that finally made me shave my legs. I was watching a show on the Science channel about the  mystery of the Dyatlov pass. These Russian students went on a camping trip in the Ural Mountains. Their dead bodies were found. No one knows how they died. Some had injuries similar to car crash victims. One was missing an eyeball, another a tongue. They referenced Yetis in a journal that was found. Fifty years later, a photo that one took was found showing a Yeti like figure in the background. Then, I thought, I need to shave. This is how my mind works. 

  I shaved part of one leg with cocoa butter. I have to be careful with soap. I have a sensitive lady area. It's prone to urinary tract and yeast infections. Just being in soapy water is problematic. I learned this at a very young age with Mr. Bubble bubble wash. I always envied scenes in movies where women were lounging in the tub, their private bits covered by bubbles, as they chatted with a friend in the room. If I did this, my vag would turn into something that looked like a clown trick at a kid's birthday party. You know how couples like to have hot, shower sex? Not here. Soap would give me an infection, I'm afraid of water getting into my eyes because I think of dragons, and I don't like to get my hair wet. I've tried it a few times. One time, with an ex, we tried. He accidentally poked my butt, thinking it was another place. I think I went into some kind of shock. I almost passed out and threw up at the same time. Shower sex is not for me. 

  When you become a parent, you never experience alone time in the bathroom. That's suddenly the time they HAVE to tell you something. Especially if you're pooping or in the shower. To be taking a bath and not have a kid or cat in my face is rare. 

 The cocoa butter gave a clean shave and the emollients left a soft residue. However, it was hard to get the hair out of the razor. That could also be because  my legs looked  like a middle eastern man's legs. It had been a while since I shaved. The cocoa butter and the hair formed these weird clumps that stuck to the sides of the tub. Gross. It was too much work, in the end. I would gladly go for some permanent hair removal on seventy-five percent of my body. One of the cruelest parts of being single is knowing you're only shaving because you're sick of your own hairiness. Or, hey when I wear these short sleeves I don't want to look like I'm hiding roadkill under my arms. No man to run his hands up and down these cactus legs. 

  

April 14

  One day can change a life. It may be a marriage or a birth. Ours was a death. Life as we knew it changed. After much time, it was possible to go days without tears. But, those moments find you when you least expect it. Holidays are the worst. Dreams haunt us every night. I know when I smile that some twinkle has been stolen. When I see my boy in contemplation, I curse this day. He was robbed. The world was robbed of this man. But, anyone who knew him would agree that he would hate our tears. He tried to lighten every situation with his jokes and that gorgeous, dimpled smile. Bob, we miss you. Your boy is happy, just know that. It's my number one priority. I like to think you can see. He misses you. Your sisters and your mom miss you. The world misses you. You were taken too soon. Forgive our tears. We'll equal them with laughs in your honor. You were such a good man. 

My Last 10 Internet Searches

  Some people fear what's in their internet browsing history for fear it will be discovered. Porn is the most likely cause. My searches aren't salacious, just weird and time-wasting. Out of curiosity, I decided to see what my last searches were. Here they are with any explanation I may have.
  1. The Black Dahlia crime scene photos- I was watching Unsolved Mysteries (Dennis Farina edition) when they discussed the Black Dahlia case. It's a fascinating, unsolved murder involving dissection and blood draining. Being my morbid self, I decided I wanted to see the real crime scene photos. Supposedly, she was cut from ear to ear and her torso was cut in half. Unfortunately, the first site I went to had a pop up photo of someone's butthole. What a non sequitur, I thought. I think I shrieked and instantly left the site. So, that's on my browser. In the end, I did find some gruesome photos sans butthole. 

  2. David Krumholtz weight gain- You know this guy. He's in a ton of things, most notably the hit TV series Numbers. I love this guy. He's a great actor. I saw him in something recently and he had a noticeable weight gain. Concerned for him, I googled this issue. I guess he had thyroid cancer, seems to have beaten it, is married and has a baby. But, this is what I do with my time. 

  3. Symptoms of love addiction- I watch the Netlix series Love entirely in one day. Loved it. Written by Judd Apatow and starring Gillian Jacobs. Great show, watch it. Gillian's character, Mickey goes to love addiction rehab, and, to be honest, that group talk made me wonder if I'm a love addict. So, I googled it. Turns out, love addicts may have been abandoned early in life and try to find a knight in shining armor in their adult life. Ok, guess that fits. But, I think only years of therapy will cure that. 

  3. Jim Florentine images- I was watching Louie, when I heard a very familiar voice. I used to listen to a lot of Opie & Anthony in the morning during an hour long drive I used to make everyday. Comedian Jim Florentine was a regular guest. But, I wasn't familiar with what he looked like. I wondered if this man on Louie was him. Indeed it was. His character ended up trying to shit in the top of a toilet tank as Louie was puking, slipped, hit his head and died. Good episode. Now, I'm familiar with what he looks like. 

  5. Apple Watch- I got my tax return, so I dream of getting an Apple Watch. Prices have dropped, but I can't justify spending that much money on myself. 

  6. Nick Groff Ghost adventures departure- A member of the Ghost Adventures team, he now has his own show. This lead me to question why he left. Kind of vague. Maybe a falling out with Zac Bagins. Maybe the most pathetic of my searches. 

7. Head lice- My kid somehow contracted lice at school. I found out when he was staying with relatives. I never had it as a child, so I had no idea what to look for. There's also some kind of "super lice" going around. Not sure if he had that or not. All I know is that it took three treatments and lots of combing with the nit comb. It felt very primal, except I didn't eat the nits. It was a rough week. I slept in a shower cap the first night. He was offended, but I wasn't getting it. His cousin also got it. You know, like the flu, only itchier and much creepier. 

8. X-Men Apocalypse- I don't even remember why exactly. I think it was settling an argument with V. He didn't believe that Oscar Isaac, or Poe Dameron, was playing the villain. I know my actors, man. Especially the good ones. 

9. Scabies- After head lice, anything can happen. When my left arm started itching incessantly, I immediately thought I had scabies. Turns out from the pictures that I don't. 

10. Can a mother transmit syphillis through breastfeeding- I read a totally demented book called The Kingdom of Little Wounds. It's basically a fairy tale with syphillis. I was wondering if a character that's breastfeeding to transmit her disease to a baby. Turns out you are safe as long as you don't have oozing sores on your breasts. Good to know. 

  I'd love to say I do productive things with my time, but that would be a complete lie.